GIMA -= where is your new thread? What's the title?
AS you know, many WAS's think the grass is greener but change once they see the grass is just as cold and full of weeds on the other side.
I'm soooo glad you are gaining perspective to see it's not all your fault, not all about you. I had a MLC at 40 and it's part of my M meltdown, we women get them too. But not blaming yourself is the best you can do. If she were willing to work on the M, I"m sure you're an introspective enough man to work on "what you did wrong" but she is not. And when she says that, it is not the entire reason for her leaving and you know it. You know all our spouses claim we are the reason, and omit their own choices, needs, feelings. If she can't share those with you, that is not your fault.
Hard stuff. Painful. But you are detaching again, oh zen master. Keep it up. Remember what is her stuff is her stuff and you're right - nothing you could do about it.
Did a little GAL'ing last evening. Put the kids to bed, then left unannounced. Just went and ran a few errands, puttered around. Thought about going to a movie, but the timing on it would have had me walking out of the theater at 1:00 am. And I had a work breakfast this morning, so no movie.
Came back to the house a little after 10:00 pm. W was still up. I came in, set the alarm for the house, then went to my bedroom. Didn't speak or look at my W. Nothing to say.
Going out unannounced was VERY unusual for me. And I enjoyed it.
Yesterday W sent me an email (seems to be the way we communicate these days - pretty sad) saying she had a hair appointment Friday night at 8:00. So, this morning, as I was waiting with the kids at the bus stop (one of the highlights of my day), I asked the kids if they wanted to go out to dinner tonight.
After I put the kids on teh bus for school, I sent W an instant message to tell her that "I have decided to take the kids to dinner tonight. Please do not feed them dinner." I can see when she reads the message, and she did pretty soon after I sent it (which was a couple of hours ago). Thus far, no response. And I'm not waiting on one.
So, I will look for a fun place to take the kids to dinner tonight, and maybe something else with them - movie or something. Looking forward to my "date."
Really rough day. And the majority of it was self-inflicted.
I was rear ended in December. Today, I found out the car is a total loss. The car is worth almost exactly what the payoff on the loan is, so no down payment for new (used) car.
Then, later today, I was thinking about my job security. Our firm is hurting like virtually all other businesses. With the bomb last April and everything since then, my numbers for last year were not good. Tuesday is my review. All that, plus my natural tendency to worry, led me to believe I was going to lose my job. This, at a time when I am fighting my W in a D action and I am the sole money maker for the family (meaning the kids).
I spun myself up into what had to be an anxiety attack. I emailed my boss. He told me I am not losing my job but this coming year is critical for me. Good time to be in a D case.
So, I felt a little better, but still pretty shaken up. Today was NOT a good day. I am completely drained emotionally and physically. At this point, losing my job scares me more than losing my W.
I know God doesn't give me more than I can handle, but my plate seems just about full. And I hate even to say that as my sitch could be much, much worse.
Compartmentalize and "DB" the rest of your problems too. Usual approach, do your best in the areas you can affect, leave the rest to God. It's not like you run the economy.
Cheers.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
A couple of questions for you from someone who was a longtime anxiety/panic attack sufferer....
1. Are you in IC? If it's possible, GO. Find an IC who will give you specific ways/exercises to manage the anxiety as well as assist you in dealing what's causing it.
2. Are you on meds? I'm no longer medicated, but while I was in IC and learning how to handle it, the meds put a floor under my feet. I was on Lexapro (daily) and Xanax as needed. I *hated* giving in to meds, but I used them as a tool so that I could get healthy and work toward a place to get off of them. I couldn't have done it otherwise.
One technique my IC gave me was to reschedule my panic attacks. So, for example, if I felt it coming on, I'd say inwardly (or out loud, if no one was around), "I don't have time to have you right now, but at 4:00 I'm free. I'll have you then." Then, at 4:00, I'd sit down and invite the attack. It was rare that I actually felt any anxiety at all when I sat down to have it, and it did the trick of keeping it from happening.
Another thing that really helped me was on days my anxiety seemed high, I'd get physically busy. Clean the house, go for a walk, go to yoga...you get the idea. Moving helps to work out the nervous energy.
Whatever you do, don't leave it untreated. Anxiety has a way of building and skewing your view of things. It's easier to "catastrophize" instead of thinking rationally...which makes the anxiety worse and the whole cycle multiplies over and over again.
SD <edited for spelling>
Last edited by SDFoundGirl; 01/16/1004:54 AM.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve all the cr@p! I am concerned about you. You give so many hours to helping others here on the board, and you seem to be such a good, loving person it just makes me sick to see you in this kind of pain. Are you sure you are getting enough "GAL"? As selfish as I am in not wanting to see you miss a few days here and there (from the board)......maybe it would help you to take off a week or more. You know, as helpful as the board is....it does keep the stitch on your mind when you are talking about it every day.
Just a thought. ((GIMA))
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
