Our next MC appointment is Jan 26th and Her IC is Feb 3rd. I want to bring up Retrouvaille which is available Feb 26th. Is there any advantages of going if she is not done with OM by then?
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
No. There are disadvantages to going before she is done with OM. Retrouvaille asks couples not to come if one of them is still involved in an affair. The program is less effective if one spouse is not focused on the marriage. It is better to wait.
As requested, I am dropping by. Just finished reading through your thread. It's been quite a roller coaster.
Your W has had some tough $h!t thrown her way. I feel so much sympathy for her, up to a point. She got dealt a rough hand, but she chose not to do counseling or find other healthy ways of coping with it. Instead, she's getting her validation, and thus "happiness", from other people. She desperately needs to find better coping mechanisms, but that is up to her. It is her choice, she needs to seek help because she wants to.
So, from what I can see, what works: complimenting her, quality time with her, no arguing, letting her make her own decisions.
What doesn't work: ultimatums, jealousy (at least with this woman who she thinks you had an EA with (on a separate note, I'm curious why you are so convinced you did not have an EA with this woman when it seems from your posts that you have talked about a lot of things with this woman that might have been private and better shared with your W)), sex, actions that are manipulative or controlling.
Boundaries are not the same as ultimatums. Ultimatums will definitely drive her away. Boundaries are for you, because you are the only person you actually have any control over.
A crude illustration of the difference: "I will not share you, choose me or I'm filing for D" (I can almost guarantee she'll choose him just to avoid caving to your demands). "I want to work on this M, but it is not possible with a third person involved. If you want to stay M we must be monogomous. If you want D, that is your choice. I just want you to be happy" The latter gives her a choice.
Ditto on Retrouvaille. Look for the next one in your area. You MAY be at a point to go then.
You have some really great people posting to you. Try and take the time to read, reread, and absorb it all.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
As requested, I am dropping by. Just finished reading through your thread. It's been quite a roller coaster.
Your W has had some tough $h!t thrown her way. I feel so much sympathy for her, up to a point. She got dealt a rough hand, but she chose not to do counseling or find other healthy ways of coping with it. Instead, she's getting her validation, and thus "happiness", from other people. She desperately needs to find better coping mechanisms, but that is up to her. It is her choice, she needs to seek help because she wants to.
So, from what I can see, what works: complimenting her, quality time with her, no arguing, letting her make her own decisions.
What doesn't work: ultimatums, jealousy (at least with this woman who she thinks you had an EA with (on a separate note, I'm curious why you are so convinced you did not have an EA with this woman when it seems from your posts that you have talked about a lot of things with this woman that might have been private and better shared with your W)), sex, actions that are manipulative or controlling.
Boundaries are not the same as ultimatums. Ultimatums will definitely drive her away. Boundaries are for you, because you are the only person you actually have any control over.
A crude illustration of the difference: "I will not share you, choose me or I'm filing for D" (I can almost guarantee she'll choose him just to avoid caving to your demands). "I want to work on this M, but it is not possible with a third person involved. If you want to stay M we must be monogomous. If you want D, that is your choice. I just want you to be happy" The latter gives her a choice.
Ditto on Retrouvaille. Look for the next one in your area. You MAY be at a point to go then.
You have some really great people posting to you. Try and take the time to read, reread, and absorb it all.
BINGO. All of this. ^
One of the fetching Mrs. Puppy's strongest love languages is WOAs (Words of Affirmation). But how to do, and not come off as "pursuing" and supplicating -- especially when she was in the midst of an affair?
It was hard. But one of the things that seemed to strike the right chord was to affirm her CAREER. Or maybe her relationship with her parents (altho she harmed that with her infidelity, but later this became in play again). Her competence at something (maybe as a mother), without going for WOAs about her appearance or anything else that would come off as "romantic."
Found out last night that she had OM baby sit S2 and S4 while she went to the pto meeting. I highly disapprove and told her that if she leaves them with him again I will file a restraining order against him for the children. She yelled about control and threatened to file for D immediately if I were to file restraining order. She said threats will not work on her. I reminded her that OM has a previous restraining order on his record for busting his sister's nose and told her that her threat did not bother me as I would do whatever it takes to protect my children period. I told her that in our state and her being their mother that I could not keep her from taking them to his house as long as she is with them, but the minute she leaves them with OM it is a whole new ballgame.
Other than that pizza night went really well. I helped S2 build his pizza (sauce every where and he ate the pineapple as soon as I put it on the crust). When pizza was done W asked if I wanted her to make me a plate. I said thank you but I can get it. She was wearing the necklace that I made for her for christmas (sterling silver and amathysts).
I played and wrestled with the two younger boys and talked with S12. W folded some laundry, checked her facebook and replied to a few texts.
We put the boys to bed and she gave me a hug (she approached me), gave me some shaving cream she bought for me, gave me my mail, and I left.
She did say ILYBNILWY and that we did not have much in common anymore. She said that my praying at the dinner table made her uncomfortable. She has never been a believer and leans more towards the pagan side.
All this being said, she still wants to go out Saturday. We will probably all go out as a family so that I can focus on the kids.
Any input would be helpful. Thanks.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
That is just it luvless she says that she want a D sometimes, she says separated sometimes, back together sometimes, her actions show love and compassion and a want to work on us sometimes and at other times they show her running away fast.
She says "I don't know what or who I want."
Extreme fence sitting with her cake in hand.
I need to nudge her off the fence.
Too much longer and I will give up and when that happens I will run a bull dozer over that fence and burn the remains.
I am looking for positive baby steps right now.
Wanting to go out, family time, asking to fix my plate, approaching me for a hug and asking me to sit by her, and buying me the shaving cream all seem like baby steps to me.
Her telling me she loves me too (even if she had to follow it with but not in love) also seems like a baby step as before she would have been hateful.
She was also paying attention while I played with the boys and smiling big when she thought I was not looking. She backed up my parenting descisions when one of the boys got in trouble and reinforced the timeout that I set for S4.
I thought many positives for baby steps.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
Still need my hand held a bit while trying to figure it out.
Puppy and Michelle,
I validated her beauty (smile and outfit), cooking skills, sense of humor (she told a funny story and told me a joke), and told her that she was an excellent mother.
I also smiled, laughed, and acted happy all night up until the discussion about OM watching kids (which she brought up).
I kept eye contact with her at all times when talking except when wrestling with S2 and S4.
Thought I DB'ed ok until OM discussion but I tried to draw a line in the sand over kids.
Last edited by loveherstill; 01/14/1002:26 PM.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
Wanting to go out, family time, asking to fix my plate, approaching me for a hug and asking me to sit by her, and buying me the shaving cream all seem like baby steps to me.
Those are called crumbs. In other words, "throw the dog a bone to keep him happy."
Remember I told you that when you started posting your thread would light up like an Xmas tree? Well... it's happening. It's time to analyze everything written to you. Re-read your thread with an objective mindset and make notes on it.
I STILL haven't had a chance to read your entire thread. I have glanced through it though. People have given you good advice on your thread. Some of it you DON'T want to hear... but ALL of it is relevant.
I need some time to update my own thread.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
All those positives are great. It is important to keep those in mind if you want to continue DBing. But they don't mean anything really other than she is confused and has issues. They are not an indicator of how things will go, or really what she is deciding (she's not in a place to decide anything because she is still too confused and her mindset changes with every mood). She will continue to have mood swings, change her mind, and spew at you on occasion. Be prepared for it.
2 things to work on. One, being more detached and slightly less available (by this I do NOT mean not going over there since you obviously need to spend time with your kids, but just making her work a little harder for your attention).
Two, your communication. It's hard to tell from what you posted here, but the conversation about OM did not sound that productive. I TOTALLY AGREE with your point of view. It just sounds like you issued an ultimatum and it turned into a big argument instead of you setting a boundary that can be enforced. (While you can file for a restraining order, the chances of you being granted more than a temporary one are about nil since nothing has happened)
Have you read any books on communication? Every one of them will tell you to never say "you" "always" and "never". E.g. "You never do the dishes" is a horrible way to start a discussion and will make the other person defensive. Use "I feel" statements instead. "I feel like I do more than half the dishes, I know none of us like doing them, but we should discuss a schedule that will even out the burden."
"I am not comfortable with the children staying with someone I do not know. I am available to watch them, especially if we coordinate a day or two in advance, (implying you have plans) and would love to spend time with them because they are my children. I would appreciate it if you asked me to babysit first. In particular, because of OM's police history, I don't feel the children are safe with him." I'm having a hard time coming up with a statement about the restraining order...I'll have to think more on it.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
