I know and appreciate that I have some good names looking at this thread. Puppy, Trentc, Gnosis, gucci, robx. I have been following threads where you have all posted and I admire you all. That being said I would love to hear from Dudess again, smartcookie, or sandi2.
This woman is severely broken and I need to be careful on how she is handled. She changes her moods several times a day. Sometimes she is proud to be married others she hates being married.
Sometimes she wants me, sometimes om and it is never predictable.
All I know for sure the om is not about sex it is about the other validation. I know that if I tell her no more she will go to him as she would think I wanted to control her.
If I pull away from her she will go to him and not come back because of fear of abandonment and stupid pride. She does not like to be wrong or look a fool.
Please continue with the advice.
I will start by giving her the validation she needs.
Thank you again
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
So you're OK with her having continued contact with another man, so long as she comes back to you after she does? I would never agree to that, personally; I have more respect for myself than that.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Some times you gotta let them break and fall apart so they can build themselves up again. Its called toughlove. Fully face the consequences of their actions.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
No I am not wanting to share her. I do not want her to continue contact. But as smartcookie showed in her threads that forcing her hand will backfire with a woman with these issues.
That is why I was thinking more of a reward for good behavior approach.
I don't mind making her mad, or jealous or anything else if it is done correctly.
So far I have made her jealous and had her come towards me, but if it is the wrong woman she runs away.
I have made her feel guilty, and I know that she feels very guilty now.
I have made her mad and had her run to his arms.
I am in this for the long term but she is very reactionary when she is cornered or feeling abandoned.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
You are correct cutter. She hit bottom once. I have considered going back to the house moving in and telling her to move out. But I do not want to try that quite yet.
If she moves out she will get child support and her paycheck and not another thin dime.
She does not make enough to survive on her own, but then does she come back because she wants me or because she is starving.
Keep it up guys, I am slowly learning
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
I have some good names looking at this thread. Puppy, Trentc, Gnosis, gucci, robx. I have been following threads where you have all posted and I admire you all. That being said I would love to hear from Dudess again, smartcookie, or sandi2.
Keep in mind that I did not have an affair so it is hard for me to understand that part of your situation. My H certainly failed to validate me as a woman after we married, not by saying anything negative about my appearance, but by neglect. I felt invisible to him.
I was tempted by men who flirted with me and I had opportunities to cheat. I just knew that I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did that. Furthermore, I really didn't want anything to do with the kind of man who would have an affair with a married woman, even if it was me, so that pretty much ruled it out right there.
All I know for sure the om is not about sex it is about the other validation. I know that if I tell her no more she will go to him as she would think I wanted to control her.
I think you are right that she will be very sensitive to anything she perceives as control. That is why it is crucial that you set boundaries, for YOU, and let her make her own choices about what she does.
If I pull away from her she will go to him and not come back because of fear of abandonment and stupid pride. She does not like to be wrong or look a fool.
Are you sure the fear of abandonment would work that way? Her OM sounds like a loser and you sound like the far more stable, and far less likely to abandon man.
I will start by giving her the validation she needs.
Also maybe think about giving her validation for other qualities she has in addition to her appearance.
Originally Posted By: loveherstill
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
As long as you show how weak you are by allowing your wife to share herself with two men you are doomed.
I GUARANTEE you that she isn't going to come back and dump the OM as long as you allow her to cake eat. How silly of you..
You want to prove to your wife who the better man is?
Then show her how much you respect yourself by SHOWING her that you love yourself enough that not only will you let her go, but that you think it to be for the best because three people in a relationship doesn't work.
The guy that will win her here is the guy thta shows her he doesn't need her.... I would take my chances on being that guy.
I can't recall the last time I saw a reconcilation happen when the BS fought to be the better man. It doesn't work.
Are you sure gucci?
She was ready to dump him twice until I acted as if I did not need her.
I don't think you need to act as if you don't need her in order to say "I will not share you with another man." Perhaps it could be presented as you do love her, want her, need her, but another party will doom the relationship and it is just too painful for you to know that she is with another.
I cut off her cake eating once and she ran away so fast it made my head spin.
How did you go about that? Did you also begin to do stuff to make her jealous at the same time?
When I stopped her cake eating before I went dark except for the kids and I also began trying to make her jealous at the same time.
She sees jealousy as a threat now.
I have been complimenting her on her accomplishments at work and her skills as a mother as well.
Her OM is a loser but she thinks she may have already lost me. She has said she is afraid that if she comes back I may throw her out in a few months out of spite. She sees that as me having control.
Thank you for asking Dudess
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
I can't say for sure but my H said the same thing many times to me last year... that he thought about getting back together with me (as if HE is the only one who had a say in the matter, lol) but he couldn't because he was afraid OW would be thrown in his face.
IMO I think it is the way for the WAS to push more blame on the LBS when an affair is involved. To this day I still don't understand how a WAS can even fathom in their wildest dreams their affair would not have to be addressed if they did reconcile.
I am not saying you have to discuss it every day for the rest of your lives but it is something that would need to be addressed IMO.
When I stopped her cake eating before I went dark except for the kids and I also began trying to make her jealous at the same time.
She sees jealousy as a threat now.
How did you 'stop her cake eating' before? Did you give her an ultimatum or set your boundary?
It makes sense that if you were criticizing her appearance before, that your immediate interest in other women would backfire. I don't think I would play that card right away again. Also, maybe you don't have to go dark, you just drop having a romantic/sexual relationship with her. You can still be a good and caring friend.
I have been complimenting her on her accomplishments at work and her skills as a mother as well.
Great!
Her OM is a loser but she thinks she may have already lost me. She has said she is afraid that if she comes back I may throw her out in a few months out of spite. She sees that as me having control.
And does she think that if she doesn't give him up that you won't throw her out? Is she counting on that yahoo to be her life raft?
