Fun fun fun... Another chance to shine. Although I somewhat dread it as well. But I have to keep positive about it.
Kevin
Kevin, try not to put so much pressure on yourself, don't worry so much about shining. Just have fun with your girls and not worry if W notices you or anything. As always just be there for your kids and let D7 have a great party weekend!!
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Do keep positive man, co-parenting will ensure that you have a lot of contact with W far into the future, whether still married, divorced, etc. Blessing and curse I guess. It's different for those of us without kids involved. I can cut off all contact from my W if I need to, you'll never be able to. Sometimes I definitely wish we'd had kids.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Kevin, Well put, you sound better than ever. You made some decisions here and drew some boundaries, that should feel good.
I enjoyed hearing FaithfulH's advice to you about NOT splitting the finances. I had similar thoughts, but he puts things so much better. What a wealth of experience, I loved hearing his story. I've been meaning to read this thread for a while, time to do it: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1782809&page=1
My favorite part was when he said that his W leaving was the best thing that could have happened to him, because of the growth that's resulted. That's so hard for me to believe right now, good to remember.
To me, faithful's story is primarily a story of faith, manifested in growth...HE changed, as did his wife, and their marriage. Every m is different -- and the road to this place of trouble, going our separate ways and reconnecting later or not, or reconciling...all our paths vary.
K4, you have been here over a year. Yet when I read your posts you sound a lot like you did a year ago. Yes - to be sure, there are days when you sound different. There are days you sound as if you really "get it"....
But then, not long after, you wil revert and backslide, and the behaviors sound very similar to the past ones. As in, same old same old. The longer you see yourself as being different without the actual growth, the longer you'll stay stuck and bewildered. It's not clear to me from your posts whether anything is much different in your behavior, but you admit your w isn't moving towards you. And yeah, the same problems seem to arise between you two and within you.
Kev, what people try to tell you that isn't getting through is that you have options. But you reduce them to only 2, and you interpret those two options so narrowly...you seem to think, either you'll do the "standing" which to you means, be the same guy doing the same stuff, and don't file for divorce, OR "moving on--which to you, means giving it up and dating OWs. Neither of the options you see, focus on growth in you. That is the missing ingredient in all your plans. All your "work" and all your "standing" is for nothing- if there is no growth, and growth means change. You've heard this 100 times. Process it.
Think about that. See if you can come up with some 3rd option. Some other course of action that is healthy and authentic for you. Healthy means, at least in part, realistic, and authentic means that it fits you. What path could that mean Kevin? How long could you apply yourself to that course of action?
Better figure this out soon. Life is short and time is passing. You are still just filling time and the depression you suffer from is clear when you describe your life...lots of waiting for "it" to happen. Not much joy in your voice...just filling time slots until...what? And most of your good times boil down to what others think of you or how they act towards you. And if that's true, you'll never control your own happiness, and that IS depressing.
Find a path and stick to it K4. OR...what? I know you don't want to be here forever. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I really like that 25yearsmlc. Makes a lot of sense. You sure got me thinking hard tonight. Thanks for that post...even thought it was not for me it still did a lot for me.
I know you want to save your M and if it were only a few months of separation I would say maybe wait a few, but its been months and months, W has had numerous A's and she isn't looking over her shoulder at all. It sucks and I'm sorry!
I have to agree with 25. You should find that happy medium place that keeps you moving forward even if its at a slow pace. I could really see your sich staying this way for a long time because its wonderful for your W. What cake eater wouldn't like this situation?
You do much better when you are pissed off and angry
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I think it is very important to clear things up. Nobody here doesn't "like" Kevin. In fact, we don't know Kevin as an individual as he does not allow us to get to know the person that is Kevin because every move he makes, every thought he has and shares is all about his W.
Even stuff he tries to pass off as things "for him" really all relate back to his W.
While ALL of us here (here = this forum) arrived with the same problem (broken or already dissolved marriages) and it is our main topic of conversation eventually personalities come out. We have not seen any personality from Kevin and that is a concern. A HUGE one!
There was a really great "getting to know" thread that SuperGirl started and it was a really fun read! So many neat facts and tidbits were posted about other things aside from our marriage/R problems. Things about US as people. Guess what poster had NOTHING to share?
25 shared a personal story a while ago about her sister (I think it was her sister, maybe her sister in law) and how she was so depressed all the time she became a chore. I don't know anybody that is not depressed when their marriage falls apart. It is horrid. It sucks the life right out of you. We all crawl under the bed with the idea of NEVER coming out. But eventually we all have to crawl out. One cannot have marriage problems consume every fiber of their being for years on end. I know this for a fact as I did that for so long I would up hospitalized. Not good. I don't recommend it at all.
The only people who support Kevin in the way he wants are the people that are just as stuck as he is. It's sort of like a drug addict thinking their dealer and other junkies are their best friends. They are not good friends but they do accept a junkie because they are a junkie too.
It has nothing to do with "not liking" somebody. In fact, I doubt any of us would continue to post such thoughtful and informational posts to Kevin if we didn't like him. But the longer this goes on the more I think we realize we don't actually know Kevin. We know "Kevin and wife".
To remove all the emotion from the situation which seems to have reached an almost volatile point think of this scenario...
In Aug. of 2006 I fractured my patella (that is fancy for a broken knee, lol!). I wish I could tell you I was doing something super cool and adventurous when this happened but I wasn't. I was walking home from the market, I was wearing flip flops and it started to rain. I picked up my pace and my flip flop hit a patch of slippery pavement and down I went. The pain was so intense it almost didn't hurt if that makes sense.
A few days later I saw my orthopedic dr. After reviewing all the images he gave me two options and I didn't like either of them. Option one was to wear a very heavy and invasive immobilizing brace that went from my hip to my ankle for EIGHT weeks and essentially be on "bed rest". My fracture was "clean" and this method is usually the first line of treatment. Yes, it sucks but it is far less severe than having surgery right off the bat for a problem that can correct itself with the right tools (tools = brace and staying off my feet).
To me, the idea of being confined to a bed or sofa for EIGHT weeks was horrid. In fact, my family took turns babysitting me while my H was at work because they knew I could not sit still for two months.
I told my dr. that and he looked at me and shrugged and said "do what you want, I really don't care what you do I am just telling you what will work and what will not". He then said "your knee will heal eventually if you do nothing but it won't heal properly". I thought to myself what a huge prick this dr. is. You know, the DOCTOR that went through med school and has been in practice for 25 years. Certainly I *must* know more than him, right? WRONG.
My point? Somebody "in the know" can tell you what will work and what won't work to heal. And sometimes the option you have to heal SUCK. Who wants to choose between EIGHT weeks of bed rest or surgery that could result in an additional EIGHT weeks of bed rest? Nobody! Both options stink! Sometimes though the option to heal DO stink and we have to choose the one that stinks less. The key being to CHOOSE *something*.
