Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

One thing I forgot to mention recently...I bought myself a new truck on Dec. 21st! It's a Chevy Silverado LT with a crew cab. Nice!
I wasn't feeling very good that day and I was scheduled to work. I called in and took a mental health day...and my therapy was to go and buy a new pickup!

I'm really liking it!

[Bridgestone]

wow... now that is retail therapy!

[Gardener]

Antlers,

They'll be back.

Hey Gardener.

Thank You for this. I hope it's a fact.

It was for me after my first D. To her credit, it was the current STBX Mrs. Gardener who kept repeating it, reassuring me of it.
And she was right.

[antlers]

Hey Gardener.

Haven't seen my oldest daughter in nearly 3 months (she's W's daughter from a previous marriage, and I've been the only dad she's ever known since she was 2 y/o). It hurts. My youngest daughter, 13 y/o, continues to be very mean and disrespectful...and I load her up and take her back to her mom's whenever she's that way. My son, 12 y/o, has spent lots of time with me recently. He didn't want to go back to his mom's last time, so he stayed with me the 3 nights he was supposed to be with her...he's been with me for 7 nights in a row now! He's supposed to go back with her tonight. He and I have been doing pretty good over the last week. He still has issues, but I'm responding to them differently than I have in the past. Incidentally, she was pissed that he wanted to stay with me...she even threatened to call the police! She even threatened me with her lawyer! I told her to take her threats and shove em'! I made it clear that my priorities are our kids and their well-being. Son has talked with her several times and she has quit sending me nastygrams. I haven't asked him what's going on over there either, if anything...I figured he'd tell me when he felt comfortable doing so. We've spent lots of QT together over the past week. I feel pretty good about the interactions between he and I over the past week.

[Gardener]

That's a tough one, the oldest. How old is she? Of course it hurts. Bad. It can't not.
With your younger D, I don't know if it's your intent or not, but taking her back when she's mean an disrespectful let's her know that one thing hasn't changed: consequences for unacceptable behavior. And good for you and your son.

They are not all experiencing the same thing, not even the same "facts". They could all be present for the same event in the same room under these (or any) circumstances and each experience something entirely different.

I know it hurts.

My New Year's email to all four of mine was answered by StepD, 33 (as a reply to all) with a curt, "Stop contacting me." StepS, 30, dropped from the radar altogether. So now, in addition to striving to not take it personally, I try to turn it around. "It hurts," becomes a reminder that "StepD hurts; StepS hurts."

[antlers]

She's 20. Since her mom moved out she's made awful grades in college, she had to give up her apartment, she's lost one job after another, she moved in with her mom, she wrecked her car, her insurance went up, she recently totaled her car, and her life is pretty much screwed up right now.
She made the Dean's Honor Roll and very good grades consistently when she lived here and before her mom left.
It hurts like a b!tch for her to drop me like a hot rock like she has.

Youngest daughter will continue to experience consequences for mean and disrespectful behavior when she's over here...I'll take her back to her mom's.

I hope my son and I continue to do good.


ps - I'm learning to not take it personally...it's very hard sometimes. I know they hurt too. They are confused and bothered.

[antlers]

I'm learning that I have to accept/acknowledge my kid's unhappy feelings...if I try to push their bad feelings away, the more they become stuck in em'. The more comfortable I am in accepting their bad feelings, the easier it is for them to let go of em'. I guess you gotta be prepared to allow the expression of unhappiness.

I have to learn how to deal with all of their anger, hurt, frustration, etc....and still maintain my coolness and sanity.

Empathy.

Listen.

Sometimes I don't listen to my kids (or others for that matter). I wait for them to finish talking so I can say what I have to say. There's a difference between the two. Real listening is hard. I have to concentrate more if I'm not gonna just give a routine response.

I'm gonna become a better listener, not just to my kids, but to everyone I interact with.

[Gardener]

She's 20. Since her mom moved out she's made awful grades in college, she had to give up her apartment, she's lost one job after another, she moved in with her mom, she wrecked her car, her insurance went up, she recently totaled her car, and her life is pretty much screwed up right now.
She made the Dean's Honor Roll and very good grades consistently when she lived here and before her mom left.

Sounds like Mom should insist on IC as a condition for living with her.

It hurts like a b!tch for her to drop me like a hot rock like she has.

I hear that.

Youngest daughter will continue to experience consequences for mean and disrespectful behavior when she's over here...I'll take her back to her mom's.

As long as the consequence is "leaving Dad's" and not punishment = "Back to Mom's."

[Gardener]

antlers,

I'm learning that I have to accept/acknowledge my kid's unhappy feelings...if I try to push their bad feelings away, the more they become stuck in em'. The more comfortable I am in accepting their bad feelings, the easier it is for them to let go of em'. I guess you gotta be prepared to allow the expression of unhappiness.
I have to learn how to deal with all of their anger, hurt, frustration, etc....and still maintain my coolness and sanity.
Empathy.
Listen.
Sometimes I don't listen to my kids (or others for that matter). I wait for them to finish talking so I can say what I have to say. There's a difference between the two. Real listening is hard. I have to concentrate more if I'm not gonna just give a routine response.

I'm gonna become a better listener, not just to my kids, but to everyone I interact with.

Check out How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk.

[antlers]

Check out How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk. - Gardener


I've got the book, and am reading it presently. It's awesome to be able to look at things from a different perspective that you never considered before. It was referred to me here on this board a couple of weeks ago.

Thanks G.


ps - how ya' doin' man?