Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[P17]

If he tells you he wants to D then okay, you'll handle it. Hiding from it isn't going to change his mind is it?

Sorry, but what is the point of DBing then?

I think you misunderstand me.

What I was saying is that hiding from him telling you isn't going to change his mind. All you are doing then is running away from his 'talk' with you. If he has made up his mind, running away won't change it ... IYSWIM

The point of DBing is to make sure that he has as difficult a time as possible making up his mind! Two different things.

I didn't make up the advice of not talking about the relationship.

I know. It's in the DB books but the books say YOU don't talk about it. It says that if THEY want to talk about it then let them, validate etc.

Yeah fear. Comes and goes, I wonder what it would be like if S was 3 or 8 or 13 and not 6 months old. If you guys get tired of me I understand but I'm not doing nothing, I am implementing distance and/or mystery. I am doing it this whole month and monitoring results.

Newmama, we are far from tired of you. You are the positive light in this forum for me. You are always upbeat, positive and moving forward. You seem to be the one who is handling their sitch with a smile on their face every day.

The fear is there is us all. We all hide and run away from it. Some days are better than others. Some days we say we can handle the truth. Some days we'd rather hide under the duvet. But we all know that running away from the truth is fear and that's not a good or adult thing to do ... it doesn't stop any of us doing it though. We're all human.

If you are happy with the course you are taking then that is all that matters. We are just here offering advice and suggestions. Just like you do with us. I really appreciate every single person who replies to me as they have taken a few minutes out of their day to give me their experience and help for nothing. That is really special for me.

P, what do you mean

Understood. But at least he has talked about it. Many WAS's (mine included) don't.

Are you trying to be comforting that "at least" my WH has talked about divorce and yours hasn't? Just clarifying!

LOL ... No. I was actually talking about the other things. The OW etc. Okay they may not be the best topics to bring up but my W has said pretty nothing since she left. Other than a letter dated in August where she put down the problems for her (some of them are relevant but most of the letter I now realise is lies because of the A) I know nothing about what she saw as lacking in the marriage. As she is a person who hides behind a happy persona there could be nuclear war and you wouldn't know if she was upset. Your H at least feels he CAN talk to you. The topics weren't great but at least he did.

tonight I was distant physically but not too mysterious:
I left for "class" within 10 minutes after WH arrived. He asked if I was making dinner when I got back or...? I reminded him that I had leftovers in the fridge.
(remember it doesn't really start for 2 weeks and I just lied b/c I didn't have another reason to leave)

LOL ... good good. He is a big boy. He can make his own dinner. He has a cook at his 'other' home.

I decided to actually drive to the place so I know where it is and I did some grocery shopping. I talked to a friend on the phone while in the store.
When I came back, it was 7:40 and WH stays until 8. WH had left the Mexican food out on the counter and told me he saved it in case I was still hungry. I was! I had grocery bags and lied and said the teacher was sick so I did some shopping.

That's DBing. Little lies are okay. And he was thinking about you ... an act of service.

I know the exchange of conversation was not part of my plan to be distant, but he sure seemed happy to talk to me- and while we were in the kitchen I caught a weird de ja vous vibe of old times...

Slow down Newmama. I got EXACTLY the same vibes from W when she was here. Standing in the kitchen like old times while she told me about problems with work etc. I got quite a few 2x4's in here for reading too much into it. Just accept that it was a nice personal time and let it go at that. He may well be just normalising. When he is talking to you like that, remember where he goes home to and you will hopefully check yourself that while it's nice to have that time, it feels a little weird.

Maybe I'm out of line for suggesting it, but if it happens to me again that is what I will be thinking.

[chatterbug]

I am not tired of you either newmama. I think that resentment is a possibility so I asked the question. That way you would ask it to yourself.

I offer only support of your choices. And once in awhile a different perpespective.

I am not going anywhere.

[newmama]

What do YOU think will happen? Not out of fear but out of knowing your H way better than we do? What does your gut tell you?

I have always had hope...I think he'll be back. But if I can get good at being distant, it might be sooner than later, ie. 2 months not 4 months.

[newmama]

I offer only support of your choices. And once in awhile a different perpespective.

I am not going anywhere.

Thank you Cutter!! I thought you were hinting around that I need to go to plan B. Just can't do it yet....

And I really do appreciate your different perspective! I may argue with it but it always makes me think about my actipons!

okay glad you aren't going anywhere...phew! But I imagine my actions are frustrating to others looking in!

[mindfull]

<<<< Not looin' >>>>

LOL, J/K

I'm not sure who moves at more of a snails pace (you or me!?), but, we're cute!

[newmama]

If you are happy with the course you are taking then that is all that matters. We are just here offering advice and suggestions. Just like you do with us. I really appreciate every single person who replies to me as they have taken a few minutes out of their day to give me their experience and help for nothing. That is really special for me.

P, I absolutely value and cherish you, Cutter, Ravenly, Daybyday and others who take the time to either cheer me on or question what I'm doing!
I just worry that you'll lose patience with me or think I'm ignoring your advice if I choose to not implement it. BUT I ALWAYS consider it!!It makes me think!

gotta run for now!! (((DB Forum)))

[P17]

P, I absolutely value and cherish you, Cutter, Ravenly, Daybyday and others who take the time to either cheer me on or question what I'm doing!
I just worry that you'll lose patience with me or think I'm ignoring your advice if I choose to not implement it. BUT I ALWAYS consider it!!It makes me think!
gotta run for now!! (((DB Forum)))

No need to worry. We're not losing patience at all. Just, as Cutter said, asking some questions in the hope that you ask yourself with them. If you are happy with the answers then that's all that's needed!

As for what you said to Cutter about Plan B - both of us are there and I wouldn't recommend it to anybody unless there were simply no choices left, or, in my case, they couldn't handle the situation. I wouldn't push anybody into Plan B as it either fixes or kills your M.

I don't think Plan B is actually a good choice for you until it's clear Plan A isn't going to work. And I don't think you're at that stage, as you said.

[newmama]

OK, time for an update...
yesterday was busy with my sister and it is very cool to get to know her as an adult! She is 21; 12 years younger than me!

Anyway, I believe God or my guardian angel was looking out for us yesterday because on the way home, the gas light came on while I was on the freeway. After kicking myself, I thought No big deal, I will use my handy portable GPS to find the nearest gas station. So I started to follow the directions given but couldn't tell the name of the streets so I got turned around. I tried again and in my distracted state ran a red light while oncoming traffic was turning left!!! Luckily the car had just entered the intersection so they could stop in time and I kept going but pulled over to calm myself and say a prayer of thanks!! Whew!

Luckily I was able to drive farther to a gas station I knew and never ran out of gas!

Do you know the crazy thing about this? When I saw the gas light, first thought was "oh crap, I gotta fill up" and the second thought was "WH would be so pissed if he knew I let the tank get this low" WTH? Why was I worried about what HE thought? I think it was because I still want his approval, even more now because I am the mother of his son!!! Later, I told him about the gas light but not about running the red light...

So last night I ended up being exhausted and did not want to work out so I didn't. WH arrived late but told me ahead of time that he had a meeting. Instead of texting, he called to let me know he was on his way. I said goodbye first (for what it's worth!) I made pasta carbonara for dinner, but made too much sauce so the meal was "soppy." WH still had seconds though and was very nice about it.

At one point I was looking for super glue for my nail and he gets up and digs around until he found some for me. Now I was not busy like I had planned, but luckily I was tired so I was naturally and authentically distant!

S ended up taking longer than normal to go to sleep, so WH stayed later but by 8:25 I let him know that I could take it from there.

all right will update about today after I feed S!

[newmama]

OK, S is fed and asleep. Today when WH arrived he brought starbucks lattes for both of us...I was surprised and thankful-it has been a few weeks since he brought me any!

So I took half an hour or so to drink it and check my email, etc. We chatted a little about nothing. Then I worked out, got ready, sorted through S's old baby clothes to give away, then left to run errands. When I returned, WH filled me in on S, then let me know his stepdad was flying in from Alaska on last minute whim and would be visiting tomorrow. He hasn't seen him in 6-7 years and I've never met him. WH was telling me how his family always just announces their arrival without arranging ahead of time to see if it will work. Well, I will be at Bunco and WH will be with S so I won't get to see his stepdad. He sounded genuinely sorry that I wouldn't be able to meet him. (yet another weird thing to me...if he wants to divorce me hy would he care if I met his family?)

Then I baked goodies for my Bunco group: 2 desserts that include peanutbutter jelly bars and oreo rice krispy treats. For appetizers I'm making "cowboy caviar" which is basically a bean salad with Mexican seasoning served with tortilla chips and a pesto-hummus dip that is store bought, served with sliced baguette and veggies for dipping.

WH ended up not going with us to the signing class because he had to get his oil changed but I am actually glad he didn't go! (more about the class later)

Oh, this is funny-when WH was putting S in his car seat in my car, he said "Ok, love you guys!" Now obviously this was a slip of some sort- maybe he meant to say "love you, guy!" so I pretended not to notice. I want to believe it was a subconscious slip...but maybe he says "love you guys" to OW and her little girl.

Regardless, it cracked me up!

so I think I am achieving my goal of being distant with 80-90% accuracy. Still too soon to see results yet, but the longer I do it, the easier it gets and the more determination I have to keep at it!

[newmama]

pretty slow lately...
went to bunco tonight.