Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[P17]

????I know that is my imagination!

Newmama ... that is fear plain and simple. Nothing you said there is pushing him towards doing it. If he is going to do it he is going to do it. What you are doing there is simply AVOIDING him telling you. You can't do that.

[newmama]

Actually, P, I know you are right that if he wants to he will, but DBing does say to NOT bring up relationship talk! Not to pressure about D or R. So that is what I am doing. :-)

[P17]

I understand. DBing says you don't bring it up as it would be seen as pursuing, pressure etc.

However HE would be bringing it up. I just thought that showing some concern may let HIM talk about it which is good.

Anyway, the chance has passed so we're talking at cross purposes

[chatterbug]

Smart man that P...

Newmama he is giving some great advice here...


Remember

Bad , sad = good

[newmama]

I still don't get it...it's worth discussing because it could happen again. Please do not take my arguing to mean I won't listen, but to mean that I want to understand better!

so let's say wh was crying about us. I ask him what's wrong. I INITIATE THE CONVERSATION by doing this. If I say nothing, then if he wants to talk, he will initiate the conversation.

oh and you may not know this but wh has cried:
1)telling me about OW
2)telling me he can't decide
3)telling me he will file for D
4)telling me he doesn't want to not see his S

5)when S was born. SO WH crying has never happened when he wanted to tell me good news about how much he loves me or how he has made a mistake etc.

therefore I associate wh crying with bad news about our R and I don't want to discuss our R.

now does this make sense?

[P17]

so let's say wh was crying about us. I ask him what's wrong. I INITIATE THE CONVERSATION by doing this.

Ask him if he has been crying or say his eyes are red, are you okay?.

If I say nothing, then if he wants to talk, he will initiate the conversation.

But if you ask him above then you are opening the door to him and letting him know it is okay to talk. He will either say he's fine, he got something in his eye or what. Maybe he was crying and wanted to talk but felt he couldn't?

oh and you may not know this but wh has cried:
1)telling me about OW
2)telling me he can't decide
3)telling me he will file for D
4)telling me he doesn't want to not see his S
5)when S was born. SO WH crying has never happened when he wanted to tell me good news about how much he loves me or how he has made a mistake etc.

Understood. But at least he has talked about it. Many WAS's (mine included) don't.

therefore I associate wh crying with bad news about our R and I don't want to discuss our R.

I know YOU don't want to discuss your R, but maybe HE DOES? By just saying 'hey are you okay' or something equally as benign you are showing he can talk to you. If he wants to talk about the weather, okay. If he wants to talk to you about the R then that should be okay too.

That is just my grasp on the sitch. You unlock the door and if he chooses to open it and walk through then cool. If not, then that's cool too. But he can't decide to do either if he doesn't know if it's locked or not.

DBing says YOU don't talk about the R but if the WAS wants to you listen. The WAS will only talk about the R if they feel safe doing so.

I know it's fear newmama. Your last few posts are obvious that it's about that. I understand your fear but you need to embrace it and suck it up because being afraid of it isn't doing anybody any good.. If he tells you he wants to D then okay, you'll handle it. Hiding from it isn't going to change his mind is it?

Would you rather he told you he wants a D now or in another 9 months? Would you like to hear that him and OW are getting on well? Would you like to hear that he actually got soap in his eye and it was stinging?

[newmama]

P, thanks for making me laugh! Actually, he probably did get soap in his eye! Seriously! It makes the most sense and I'm relieved!

Thank you for taking the time to explain why you thought I should have asked him if he was okay. I still have to say I'm glad I didn't!

If he tells you he wants to D then okay, you'll handle it. Hiding from it isn't going to change his mind is it?

Sorry, but what is the point of DBing then? I didn't make up the advice of not talking about the relationship.

Yeah fear. Comes and goes, I wonder what it would be like if S was 3 or 8 or 13 and not 6 months old. If you guys get tired of me I understand but I'm not doing nothing, I am implementing distance and/or mystery. I am doing it this whole month and monitoring results.

So I have done a good job since I set this goal except for Wednesday.

P, what do you mean

Understood. But at least he has talked about it. Many WAS's (mine included) don't.

Are you trying to be comforting that "at least" my WH has talked about divorce and yours hasn't? Just clarifying!

tonight I was distant physically but not too mysterious:
I left for "class" within 10 minutes after WH arrived. He asked if I was making dinner when I got back or...? I reminded him that I had leftovers in the fridge.

(remember it doesn't really start for 2 weeks and I just lied b/c I didn't have another reason to leave)

I decided to actually drive to the place so I know where it is and I did some grocery shopping. I talked to a friend on the phone while in the store.

When I came back, it was 7:40 and WH stays until 8. WH had left the Mexican food out on the counter and told me he saved it in case I was still hungry. I was! I had grocery bags and lied and said the teacher was sick so I did some shopping.

He was all excited to show me the pictures he took of S while I was gone and stood close behind me while I looked at them. I was genuinely pleased with the photos! He also cleaned up the dinner, and asked me about my Rheumatoid Arthitis and my grandma. I didn't ask him too many q's but I did bring up a couple of topics I knew he liked.

I know the exchange of conversation was not part of my plan to be distant, but he sure seemed happy to talk to me- and while we were in the kitchen I caught a weird de ja vous vibe of old times...

Tomorrow night I make dinner. Pasta Carbonara! new dish! I will be able to avoid WH except for 20 minutes or so.

Wednesday will be easy for me to stay busy and out of the house, but he is coming with S and I to our sign language class!

[chatterbug]

Truefully Newmama.

I do not know how you do it. This is a very long Plan A.

How much resentment are you building? That is a concern of mine for your stitch.

P.S. Some very nice acts of service. Its too bad you do not know a friend of that whore(Did I say that.... ). It would be nice for her to get a little info back on what H is doing.

Do you know anyone from the 6 degrees of seperation beside your H?

[newmama]

Cutter, I think maybe you and P are getting tired of my ways. January just started an by the end of the month I will have mastered the technique of being distant, mysterious, but still nice! I am just slipping up a little is all but I will get better! Hey, am down to cooking one meal per night, am going to be gone 2/3 evenings that he is here and busy all day on his day off up until the signing class! (which is at the end of his visit)

Plan A has been 3 months I think--October to present. My resentment tolerance goes up and down.
I have been on here for 2 months.
I will think about your idea regarding the 6 degrees of separation.

I believe my WH is not convinced he wants to D, but he will not go on like this forever, so to quote Kelly Clarkson's song, "Someone's gotta go" (and it will be THE HO)

Tonight I did well being gone 5:45-7:40. Did bad by telling him I went grocery shopping-could have hid them in the car til he left(no frozen foods) and just said "Class was cancelled" if he asked how it went.

Tomorrow I plan to stay busy working out, cooking, cleaning. I will be available during the time we eat the meal; 15-20 minutes.

(BTW today S and I went to music class, saw my grandma and took her to lunch. Tomorrow we visit my sister at her college)

[P17]

Cutter, I think maybe you and P are getting tired of my ways.

Newmama I would never pretend to speak for cutter, but I think I can say that none of us are tired of your ways. You are going down a course that I went down too. The difference being I lasted a month or two. You have lasted almost 9. You have a strength in you that I didn't have and I am proud that you are continuing down the road.

You keep going as long as you can. We're simply posing the questions that are difficult to hear sometimes. We mean nothing by it other than support, understanding and caring.

January just started an by the end of the month I will have mastered the technique of being distant, mysterious, but still nice! I am just slipping up a little is all but I will get better!

We all slip up! You will continue to slip up. The trick is not to beat yourself up about it. Pick yourself up, brush yourself down and start walking down the road again knowing you have learned a little more.

I believe my WH is not convinced he wants to D, but he will not go on like this forever, so to quote Kelly Clarkson's song, "Someone's gotta go" (and it will be THE HO)

What do YOU think will happen? Not out of fear but out of knowing your H way better than we do? What does your gut tell you?