Help w MLC / WAW... Jack 3 Beans?

[smith18]

Sleep is for people who dont know how to fish.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'd care less about the big fish on my doctors wall and more about him being well rested when he saw me. ; )

[bradley11]

Thank you all-- I will drink some nyquil and then do some pushups...

Grace-- thank you for your insight. I actually do think there is something asterxy about my sitch, in that I got married and a month later started my surgical internship... I did not tend to my wife-- this desertion essentially went on for 9 years. sure when I was feeling good, not exhausted, and it was convenient to me I was her friend.. otherwise, not. its amazing she stayed with me this long.

Interesting thing happened this morning (add this to the calls and all that stuff from yesterday). Im sitting there honestly trying to decide if I call her to start talking about making the separation official cause I'm hurting so bad (but I wasn't gonna do it). and she sends me a text picture of her in her new coat she just got-- it said, new coat . Then I said "I love your new coat". then she said, "whats happening" then I said, "not much, you" and she said, getting ready to go to hospital (she's trying to set up a foundation for sick and dying kids), thinking of you...

ok, that was a new one...so of course I said, "you know I think of you 24/7 (doh!), then we started just texting back and forth about funny stuff (my luggage didn't come so I was wearing my grandfather's shirt and sweater-- he's 93) and I got her laughing so hard she was crying. not exactly something we have had going on bewteen us for like months. Then she said, hug them for me. then she said, "and hug yourself from me too. please".

so anyhow, I don't want to get too up on the rollercoaster, and I have laid off since then, but what are peoples thoughts about her behavior? for the first time since the split I didn't come up there when I could.

now again I know that DBing is about making the changes for me, but isn't there also the hope that the d gets busted/

[bradley11]

Kerry-

as for getting closer there, I am sortof negotiting the contract... hoping that if things get a little better between the two of us that she might actually be cool that I move in there... getting another place financially, logistically, childrennally... is just a whole nother thing. right now not talking about it seems helpful...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You don't want a divorce or seperation...you don't start the process.

MLC - ...

B,

Tell you what, if she wanted you out of her life, did you think she would be talking to you like that?

She doesn't know...that is the difference. That is the confusion and to me that means MLC.

Enjoy the moment, but do not put stock in it. Do not expect the next time to be that good. Answer the phone in a good voice next time, but do not expect a repeat...enjoy it if it happens again, for the moment it is.

now again I know that DBing is about making the changes for me, but isn't there also the hope that the d gets busted/

Is there? : )

Yeah man. Thats the hope you keep in a little chest in your heart, not on your sleeve.

[Grace_O]

Thats the hope you keep in a little chest in your heart, not on your sleeve.

Nice.

[kjensen]

Hey B...
There's alot of positive stuff happening between you and your wife. Enjoy but don't expect..Keep responding when she initiates-reconnecting may be the key for you both. Building on those funny personal jokes you can share is awesome.

I would do pushups first then nyquil..but really wouldn't a (small)glass of wine/beer taste better?

[bradley11]

KJ, J3B, and Grace

thank you for your support, so much.

you know I'm kindof a weak DBer-- here's why. I was walking around the airport, all sad and losing my mind, looking around at all the women saying to myself, and this is true, how did I screw this up, I'm never gonna find anyone else like her.. blah blah blah (did I mention she is a gorgeous specimen?).

now that she is giving me a little hope, the ironic thing is it gives me a little more strength to detach...maybe that's false detatchment.

but there is NO DOUBT, that the positive changes (she told me last night to make sure I planned for Feb 6 black tie ball-- I said, "you mean like I go with you?" funny....) that have occured when I told her I was happy she had a friend to talk to in OM (keeping that from me, being secretive about that, I think was a wall between us, preventing her from actually wanting to reconnect w me-- J3B you hit nail on that one about the harder you try to pull them apart the closer they get), and when I finally gave her the physical and emotional space to want to try and reconnect to me without me making her feel pressured into it.

but we talked for an hour last night (she called)... then again this morning (she called) (for the last 4 years I have been in a football pool where you bet games and stuff (100$ for the entire year)...we always did that together, then went to wing place and watched the games) about OUR picks for this weekend. just really nice, reconnecting stuff.

also told her last night that I read the 5 love languagues and she was blown away and laughing that I was reading that stuff-- thank you guys!... I figured out that she is an acts of service person-- but the part that I think messed us up so bad is she thought I was--which I"m not. so she's busting her ass to do stuff around the house-- and I could care less about that. I'm not sure what I am yet...wasn't reading the book from that perspective. anyhow, when I described that (without me saying "I think you are an acts of service person" she pinpointed it as "thats me". so it was really cool becuase A)I surprised her in doing something...I"m not sure I've ever done that... and B)we had a nice exchange and conversation about it.

I"m reading How to Say it right now... it is so amazing to me and so sad to me how terrible I was at all of those things. Bomb 2x4 to the head a few months ago will certainly be life altering. I am definitely not the same person I was 7 months ago. no doubt about that.

J3B I will keep the hope chest in my heart and not on my sleeve, though I told S (her name stars with S) that I regretted not, in so many words..uh.. romancing her more when I had the chance. I guess thats pretty far out on the sleeve. she laughed.

gonna keep it all in check here... but man... hard not to get hopeful.

my goals,each day, I have met over the last 3 days.

they are:

to listen to my wife when she talks to me without interrupting
to speak with a soft voice
to stay upbeat
and to make her laugh-- at least once in the day.

baby steps...

actually slept last night, as you all can imagine.

[bradley11]

So the events that followed have been interesting to say the least.

All those happy phone calls and messages from the wife kept going on through the day, then she calls at 4 and says, "yea so so and so called and blah blah something-- so her boys are going to spend the night with our guys, isn't that fun?

ok so, those boys are the boys of the OM. I knew, deep down, if I heard about a "sleep over" when I was gone, that most likely that would be a cover up to allow the OM to stay.

I kindof lost it there and said, whats OM doing tonight..."oh...uh...not sure...some sort of party".

now I know she is lying, because she texts with him pretty much all day, every day--- I can only guess, when they are not actually together. she knows exactly where he is, what he is doing, and what he is going to be doing.

she gets angry, defensive, and says stuff like "well I was just about to say that I was going to bring the boys down next weekend when you are on call, but now I don't think so"... this is the typical pattern. then I feel like I screwed up.

the night got worse. I had, what I believe was pretty much a full blown anxiety attack. I woke up shaking (heart surgeon, remember) and I felt like my world was falling apart. I called her at 130am-- she got angry "there are children sleeping here" and defensive and all that. I just told her "look. I'm having a really hard time right now. I need some help". she said, "you need help, but you are not getting it from me".

Ok so I had dry heaves, didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Now I was with my 93 year old grandfather and his second wife who still looks good at.. I dont' know 70 or so. He is still very sharp. I told them what happened (I had been telling them everything). his wife is from south philly, and is a tough broad. he is a little more sensitive. anyhow, what ended up happening was I logged on again to see when the texts came and stopped from the OM-- about 9pm the night before... and then 1130 am the next morning. could go either way but I'm betting he stayed. not sure it matters.

Looking over the texts, I could see how she'd be texting me, then him, then me... but again going over the 4 months the sheer volume and -- man, all dayness of it all-- just does not smack of just friends. at all.

so my grandfather and stepgrandmother and I went over it and over it, and we came up with the plan, at the least, for me to get control of my finances (something we have discussed here first). but the main thing, was as J3B said, was to cowboy up.

I also saw this bizarre exchange with her and some older dude on facebook who I know has hit on her before but this time she accepted a flirty invitation to join him in some town that he was calling a game... could be nothing but it is a slap in MY face.

so all of this snooping, while some of you think is counter productive, was very helpful to me, because I was totally losing my mind, my manhood, my ego, my life. Now that I know that she has been, essentially, a pathalogical liar for the last 6 months, that she has manipulated me back and forth (pursuer distancer)-- I realized all the calls and texts were some sort of guilt from her-- since she basically spent all weekend with om, his kids, and my kids. by now they have spent much more quality time with him than me. he has basically taken over as surrogate father.

all of this has made it very easy for me to completely detatch at this point. honesty, integrity-- these are things that are paramount for me. I am honest to a fault, but as someone once said, if you always tell the truth you don't have to remember what you said.

well my bloved wife has been on a lying bender. plus, she has somehow convinced me that it is ok that she left me one month out of fellowship starting a new job in a new town and took my kids from me. well, its not ok. so I'm getting my life back.

it felt really good. the minute I resolved to do that I stopped shaking and feeling terrible. instead of looking at couples at the airport who were kissing and feeling all that envy I felt nothing.

I see a life ahead of me now, where I didn't before. That is key.

so I called her and told her. she exploded-- literally screaming all the same stuff about what a monster I was (I finally have figured out that I wasn't. sure there were many times I could have been more supportive but I tried my best and I gave that girl everything). all I said was I need to take control of the finances so I can start to get my life back in order... I think she got so mad this time because she could tell that I didn't have that groveling fear in my voice that I had before. man I have been such a P. hope it is ok to say that.

so the AMAZING thing is she called my grandfather and stepgrandmother. stepgrandmother basically told her she was FOS on no certain terms, that what she has done is unacceptable, and just layed into her. my grandfather said that she had been allowed to live in this fantasy land (true) and needed to be shocked out of it... well she has.

anyhow she called me like 4 times, left this really really weird soft voiced message about how she wanted me to call her back. a text saying "talked to stepgrandmother... I am on your page".

what page is that? the cheating pathalogical liar page?

then she pulled a bizzarre stunt, telling me at 10 pm (when I hadn't answered all the calls-- though i was on with the stepgrandmother) that one of my son's wanted to talk to me too... that was a first. they are 6. they don't ask her to call me at 10 pm to talk to me. seems like she was using him to get me to call back. in the first call she said something quickly, I thought, about "well good because this is all recorded". I actually kept my cool and didn't say anything...

I got the sense she was trying to record me doing something. remember OM is going through a separation on his own and knows the ropes. I'm not sure what they would be trying to get on tape? anyone know?

the other son said to me the other day "will you be here in a few days daddy?" I said I'm not sure. then he said, "mommy, can daddy come here in a few days and stay?" pretty messed up, right? don't cry reading that...

so at this point, my resolve is strong. I've got a plan for tomorrow. the main thing at this point is I don't believe anything she says (hey I'm a real DBer now!).

what I don't really understand is why and how people are able to get past that. I mean I feel that super strong love and attraction waning from me, and I cannot love someone who has lied and betrayed me for so long-- and basically attempted to ruin my life. I guess that is the whole "alien" thing...its not really her. I suppose it depends on who you are and how forgiving you are.

I am certainly willing to forgive her. there is still a lot there that I think I could love, and I still think we could be a family... but things will have to change significantly with her with regards to her wanting to actually try. so far all she has done is manipulate me and I believe have some sort of affair with this jackass.

[Cadet]

Bradley,

Sorry to hear that there is an OM. I think this is the first post about that. Remember OM=NM. You will be hurting now and detaching, GAL, just basic DB'ing is very important.

YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST!!!!!

Next comes your kids. Kind of like on the airplane when you put your Oxygen mask on first, then take care of them.

After that stop worrying about your W, she is out of your control. Let her go and let her spin. Remember to believe nothing of what she says and 50% of what she does. She is going to try to get you back. Keep your distance. This is all script.

If you need to vent come here.

We are here for you, kind of rooting you on!