So 2 weeks and I am legally seperated. I am making sure it is backdated to the day ladybug left the house. Sept 15th. I do wonder what she is looking like. As I have not seen her since then. It will be good to get this over and done as well.
Going forward. 2 More times seeing her after that. Then its just funerals and the odd wedding.
You sound like you are doing ok...You sure are strong! I am sure you will handle yourself with the confidence and strength you have gained from this.
Cutter, wow you surprised me when you communicated with ladybug about meeting but I suppose that it makes sense. I am nervous for you for some reason. (not bad...just butterflies!) But why is her dad coming later? And what about the shark??? LOL!
I want to thank you newmama. I am nervous as well. But the 180 after the phone call is to take control. So here I am.
I think that after she leaves on the 24th I will be in tears. But I will be in control that day. For it is the day she really gives up her marriage to me. And I will show enough love to her that she knows she still has this choice. But I will word it in such a way that it is not chasing. For I do understand not to chase.
And after that day. My marriage is over.
I will still work towards April. But unlike many here. I will not waste the time on ladybug. I will move forward. I talked to Gnosis about the signing today. And I just could not come up with the conversation around it. We spent 10 minutes on it. And that was that.
G had the thought of the following and i adjusted it after my evening out
ladybug you know when you sign this our marriage is over. I am no longer your husband. I am no longer your friend. From this day on I will only be civil. No more.
Something like this.
I am not looking forward to the day. But it is only a piece of paper. And after this day i am single. And I have the chance to have a family. I am so conflicted inside. I love ladybug so much still. But I can move on. And have a family.
I lean towards moving on. But I must still hold my vows... Until the end. Its damn hard.
I do not think those who have not had children understand that sacrifice. And it is a bitter sacrifice when it falls apart. One feels that they wasted those years and they know that they did not. Its very conflicting.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I do not think those who have not had children understand that sacrifice. And it is a bitter sacrifice when it falls apart. One feels that they wasted those years and they know that they did not. Its very conflicting.
Cutter, I know I reluctantly made some comment about it being easier to go NC without kids or to be able to start anew or something like that. I do not think that it will be easy by any means! All of those years together, the investment, the memories, the fun, the sad, and all of that time spent with one person.... it will be very difficult. I wish I didn't make that comment. It was wrong.
Now, as for the separation, for me, it would still feel like the marriage wasn't completely over because it's not D. Not that I am saying for you to hang on, but I think back to March when WH and I were originally going for D. Due to insurance reasons, we switched to Separation. I must say that it seemed to offer me some comfort that our marriage was not dissolved; just put on hold. Now we never signed anything legal but it is still a separation. So how do you see it? Separation versus divorce? Does anything I said make sense to you?
Do you wish to hash out more ideas for what to say to her when you sign the separation papers? I just don't want you to have expectations that she will say "you're right...let's not do this" on that day.
This is hard because do you want her to know that maybe in the future you would be willing to reconcile but just not now? But then she might think you will still be "waiting" for her. Maybe sometime in August, before September when she or you could file for D, you could check in with her.Sorry, I don't know your plans and maybe you don't know either. Sorry to ramble, Cutter! This is very difficult for sure.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I am not looking forward to the day. But it is only a piece of paper. And after this day i am single. And I have the chance to have a family. I am so conflicted inside. I love ladybug so much still. But I can move on. And have a family.
Cutter, I have absolutely NO wisdom for you, but this just made me cry. You are a really good man. I think there will be a lot of us willing to hold your hand and cry w/you. HUGS
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I know I sound all down. But I am not all doom and gloom. A little tired from a busy weekend. GAL is killing me.... Not used to these late nights.
Newmama. You never said anything wrong. Not once. So you have nothing to be sorry for.
Where I live you only need the Divorce if you want to get married. You can be seperated and live the rest of your lifes like that. Being seperated allows you to live common inlaw with a future partner. Which is basically the same.
The only way I would file for D is if I was going to get married again. And then I would ask for ladybug to pay half of it. Or just serve her.
We can talk more about that day later next week. I do plan on signing those papers that day. As I want to make sure I am finacially protected for when her Affair ends and her work enviroment falls apart. When I think about that day. I think being silent will say more than any word can. I will let her fully look into my eyes before and afterwards. If I shed some tears I will not hide them. For I am not ashamed to show my emotions now. I am not afraid of myself. I do not hide from myself. I also think that as my wife she is allowed to fully see the consequences of her actions and how deeply she hurt me.
Then it will be back to db rules.
No R talk. And I will not talk about my life to her. I only share my experiences with people who I respect and they respect me. Her actions speak louder than any words. I will also be mentally armed against crocadile tears and any crumbs. I will also remove myself from any arguements. I fully understand that the game is still being played.
The sea will be calm. I am still the lighthouse.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
When I think about that day. I think being silent will say more than any word can. I will let her fully look into my eyes before and afterwards. If I shed some tears I will not hide them. For I am not ashamed to show my emotions now. I am not afraid of myself. I do not hide from myself. I also think that as my wife she is allowed to fully see the consequences of her actions and how deeply she hurt me.
Actually, this makes me teary eyed but it is an example of how your actions will speak louder than words! If she sees you crying, she can wonder if it means you don't want to end your marriage. And wondering is enough if later one day she wants to seek you out, IF you are available.
Wow. Separation in your part of the world means the same as divorce. I had no clue this whole time. Excuse me for saying this, but WHAT A FOOLISH WOMAN Ladybug is being for giving you up! Wow. I don't want to slam her too harshly because I don't want you to be offended. I do love how you know this:
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I want to make sure I am finacially protected for when her Affair ends and her work enviroment falls apart.
Yes, the A WILL end!
By the way, what is going on with the female friend you are helping to learn boundaries?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Cutter, I don't apologise for this email. I heard a few things about W today that quite frankly just p*ssed me off. So I'm not in the best of moods. However I have been thinking about your thread for a few days now and wanted to respond. It's not a 2x4 more just a WTF.
Originally Posted By: cutterbug
I want to thank you newmama. I am nervous as well. But the 180 after the phone call is to take control. So here I am. I think that after she leaves on the 24th I will be in tears. But I will be in control that day. For it is the day she really gives up her marriage to me.
Stop. No it's not. The day she gives up on the marriage is the day you and she D. A separation is not a D, yet. If it's the same as here (and from what I have read it is) it's a financial separation - a D in every word, except the court stamp. However a separation is easy. A D isn't.
Can I ask if you are a safe place to land, Cutter?
What choices does Ladybug have (and I mean REAL WORLD choices not choices of the heart we get in the films)?
Have you made it known to her that you would still consider reconciliation? If you are not considering that now, is this the real and final decision NOT to reconcile?
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And I will show enough love to her that she knows she still has this choice. But I will word it in such a way that it is not chasing. For I do understand not to chase.
How are you going to do this though? How do you propose to shown somebody love when you are signing away your life together (which is what you consider it to be doing)?
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And after that day. My marriage is over.
No it's not Cutter. Come on now, get a grip.
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ladybug you know when you sign this our marriage is over. I am no longer your husband. I am no longer your friend. From this day on I will only be civil. No more.
I still don't like the marriage is over bit to be honest.
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I lean towards moving on. But I must still hold my vows... Until the end. Its damn hard.
I don't understand. If you're single, your marriage is over and you want to move on ... what vows are you holding onto?
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I do not think those who have not had children understand that sacrifice. And it is a bitter sacrifice when it falls apart. One feels that they wasted those years and they know that they did not. Its very conflicting.
This I can relate to very much.
I have a D from a previous R but not with W.
W always wanted to have kids and I knew that from the start. To cut a very long story short, the reason we didn't have them was 90% my fault. I hold my hand up. Only when W stood up and basically said 'we're doing this' did we start to try. One of the few moments she stood up for what she believed. And it was nice.
However, I feel like, at 37, time is ticking away for me to have another child (another little girl if anybody is listening - although a boy would be fine :)). I have to find a new relationship, build it up, get married (as I still believe in marriage) and have the child with all that entails. I'm looking at 40+ before that happens and that's assuming I find somebody quickly. Here, it's unlikely that will happen so I'm looking at moving or maybe another few years.
I feel as though I left it too long. I have wasted 7 years of my life. I could have had a family that I always really wanted.
But Cutter, you can't think like this. Sh*t happens. You are a better man for it and you will be a better dad for it because you know now how important family is to you. You understand that now. I feel like before I took it for granted as it was there and W and I were going to have a family - when something is on a plate in front of you there isn't too much of a struggle to grab it. Only when it's taken away from you and you realise that what you wanted all along was in front of you do you fight for it.
I hope you take this message in the manner it's meant - somebody who doesn't want you to give up but also wants you to do what you feel is the right thing for you. Either way, I'll support you. But I needed to say this.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I want to thank you newmama. I am nervous as well. But the 180 after the phone call is to take control. So here I am.