Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

anyone else have comments?

[chatterbug]

I think you did well. Very strong newmama.

If your good with the overnight then your good. I will offer no recommendations on that as I would not want to influence you on such a personal matter that I have no experience with.

I think he pulled a carrot and stick on you.

Just iron out that schedule to one that you are comfortable with and do not budge on it. Only show stick on that right now. Loss of family is very important. It brings reality to his situation.

[ravenly1974]

Newmama,

I think there is a very large grey area between giving him an easy ride into his actions/decisions and you pushing him for/into a divorce.

Remember your bakery analogy? I think that is so very fitting right now.

He has seen your changes. But not much has changed yet. He still trudging ahead, albeit slowly, into his fantasy future. I know how scary every step in a different, new direction must feel to you.

You are incredibly strong and resilient. And you are handling this with much grace and class - more so that I could.

[newmama]

been busy-had aunt over during day, then when WH came home, got dressed up and went out to see a movie "It's Complicated" (very good which surprised me,) had time to kill so I went to a bar and had 2 glasses of wine (pinot noir and pinot gris) and calanari. came back to enjoy a couple of hours alone but S woke up the second WH left. so no more time alone...but at least I got out for 4 hours!!!!!! told WH he needs to leave through garage from now on.am typing one handed with S sleeping on me.

no matter what happens I do not want to be alone and will find a man who loves kids, ideally it would be WH but life goes on...if WH files. I am typing one handed in the dark which is why I'm not responding to other threADS tonight.

[newmama]

one more thing- letting the rope go is complete waste of time to BSs unless we really are ready to file for D. and good for those almighty transcendental (is that a word?) BSs who do that without regrets. But come on--filing for D means waving the white flag and giving up. No mal intent for those BSs that choose this but GIVING UP/SURRENDERING is the same to me as DROPPING THE ROPE. No thank you yet.

here is the latest schedule:
Sat: WH has son 7-2
Sun: WH comes 11-4 (I work out.go to store)
Mon: WH 5:30-8 (I leave for pilates 5:45-7:45)
Tues: WH: 5:30-8 (I work out5:45-6:45/cook6:45-7:15/clean 7:45-8)
Wed: WH: 7:30-3:30 (I work out, go see movie, clean 6/8 hours)
Thurs: WH: 5:30-9:30ish (I leave 5:30-9:30)
Fri: WH doesn't come over (but starting 1/29 will take S overnight at 5:30-2 Saturday)

[Day by Day]

But come on--filing for D means waving the white flag and giving up. No mal intent for those BSs that choose this but GIVING UP/SURRENDERING is the same to me as DROPPING THE ROPE.

I guess it is surrendering. I see it as seeing the writing on the wall and realizing that WAH has broken the M to a point of no return. I don't want to wait for someone that doesn't care how much he disrespects me and shares himself with another person. Sorry, not trying to be a wet blanket. You are so optimistic newmama and your posts motivate me, but I don't have your patience. You are a saint.

[P17]

Newmama, it's not often (or at all) that I disagree with you but I see your post below written from an emotional POV. Not the usual you. I also disagree with it 100%.

one more thing- letting the rope go is complete waste of time to BSs unless we really are ready to file for D.

I disagree entirely. I feel as if I've dropped the rope on the M, maybe not entirely on W (although dropping the rope for me means giving up caring about the WAS which in this case I think I have done - I'm not at indifference yet but at contempt at the moment). However I am no where near the D stage yet. That is going to take a lot longer for me to be able to process, accept and move on. So, I see dropping the rope as a stage in this whole process just as D is a stage (albeit the last one).

and good for those almighty transcendental (is that a word?) BSs who do that without regrets.

Do any LBS's file for D without regrets?

But come on--filing for D means waving the white flag and giving up. No mal intent for those BSs that choose this but GIVING UP/SURRENDERING is the same to me as DROPPING THE ROPE. No thank you yet.

Again I disagree entirely.

D is not about giving up. D is about recognising that you've deployed your troops the best way you can. Recognising that the battle can't be won and withdrawing to protect your troops. It's not about surrendering. Withdrawing allows you to protect yourself.

As I said above I don't see dropping the rope as the same as D.

I love my wife deeply (still unfortunately) but I want to drop the rope, for ME, not for her. D is a long way off if I can help it (although I am beginning to feel my hand is being forced)

[chatterbug]

I think you need a hug today NM.

So here ya go.

{{HUG}}

[newmama]

Sorry guys if I offended you! I was just thinking that dropping the rope is like being completely detached. The only way is to sever the relationship through a D!

Then, without meaning to offend, I said that filing for a D means "I give up" but I meant "I give up on sitting around waiting for you--I surrender! YOU WIN! You got your fantasy life with OP!" and I don't want to let WH win.

BUT filing for D as in "I give up!" means, too, that the BS is exhausted and wants to have closure and can file without regretting the decision to not be with someone who betrayed them.

Withdrawing the troops is a better analogy than surrendering. But tomato tomahto, surrendering means not fighting anymore.

So I promise to do a better job of editing before submitting next time!

[newmama]

Thanks for the hug, Cutter. Yep, even eternal optimists experience dark clouds once in awhile!

Today I took S to his dr. appt and met WH there. I looked good, smelled good. The dr. commented that usually moms wear a pony tail at this stage because the babies like to pull hair. I just said "half the time I do"

So after we went back to the car, WH buckled S into his car seat and lingered forever! I said "Okay, we'll see you in the morning!" and WH said "mommy's in a hurry!" and I said that it was just cold is all. Then someone's exhaust fumes started to filter into the car so I said "it's getting stinky in here...we better go!" and WH reluctantly said goodbye to S and told us to take it easy today and he would see us tomorrow.

I think it was good that I was ready to go, BUH BYE WH! and not eager to hang out chatting with him.