And who knows, if your W accepts the grounds and doesn't contest the grounds and accepts your settlement offer all of this will be a non issue for you. I simply shared all this with you as something like 82% of all divorces in NY are contested. While mentally it bites that is also why 90% of ALL divorces are initiated via a Separation Agreement rather than divorce filings.
I have no idea what my W would do if I sued for divorce. Would she contest? I don't know. If she did, I don't know why. She left, she's been involved with someone else. How can she contest my divorcing her? When she thought her and OM were going to live some blissful future together, she would have taken pretty much anything I offered to get her out of the marriage, but now her tone has very much changed. A friend of mine who went through a process very much similar to you CityGirl advised me to get my agreement done while my W was in that state, as he feared it would eventually turn ugly, and now it has started down that road. I should have listened to him.
My friend's W did exactly what your H did. Just short of going to trial, she backed down and accepted a separation agreement.
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Professionally your W might simply agree to the grounds and your settlement offer as all of this will be public record. It would not bode well for her career to be sued for adultery for all her current and potential clients (patients?) to see.
That was my H's biggest fear - the info that would be on public record. His family had NO clue about OW until recently and the label of cheater via the legal system will never go away.
That's why a year ago when I told my W I wanted to divorce her she reared back and yelled "If you divorce me I'll never forgive you!" Wow.
She would contest if you filed under adultery because she knows for a fact you do NOT have a third party willing to testify under oath on your behalf that he/she witnessed your W and her boyfriend having sexual intercourse.
Why WOULD she just accept adultery when her counsel will tell her the way the divorce laws in this state are designed it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for you to prove it?
When you contest you can be contesting the D or contesting the GROUNDS. In this case your W will most probably NOT contest the D but *will* contest the grounds as she will know you don't have what it takes for you to "win" with adultery.
I have to run out and meet my sister for a late lunch and to pick up my mom's b-day gift.
I don't know if this would be helpful to you or not but I have a BINDER of info I collected over the past two years about divorce laws. While I would like to have it back you can borrow it for a while. It all either came from the court system or law libraries so it's not my opinion, just facts and procedures.
Not sure how I would get it to you or if you live near me but just thought I would offer.
And FTR - after 1.5 years of legal hell with the divorce my H demanded HE was the one that begged me to accept a Separation Agreement right before trial. It was totally in my legal right to decline his offer as he has already initiated the D.
Either way I was going to get what I wanted and actually his fear of trial once he saw I was not backing down gave me more leverage. I was fully prepared (both legally and emotionally) to go to trial, it was he that was not.
I never contested the D or the grounds - I just counter sued him under the same grounds which he was not expecting at all. But that is a whole 'nother can of worms!
And the *only* honest thing my H will tell me to this day is he kicks himself 500 times a day for declining my offer of a legal separation shortly after the bomb.
He will be paying legal fees for a long time and his jaded thought process that I would just roll over and do as he said resulted in me getting most of what we built over the past decade. That and the really stupid attny he retained.
There is no "nice" divorce in this state. Go for the separation and wait your year and then file using the Agreement as grounds.
I see now, why people who can afford it, use private detectives to get further proof of infidelity. Difficult though, when someone is outside the country. Although, a PI would be cheaper there with the rate of exchange (depending on the country). I enquired about using one for another matter in my country of origin and it would've cost me Cdn$7 = 1. So, around $100 for a 700 investigation. Not bad.
Can one use the infidelity in another country as a flight risk when it comes to custody, if not for the purposes of D?
OMG Future, I hope it doesn't come to this, but it seems your WAW is bent on going through with this. One would think she would hesitate after having gone through it before. Just know that you didn't do anything to deserve being betrayed like this. It's not your fault. Yes, you might've been a better H, but we are all imperfect. I bet she could've been a better W, but did you turn to someone else to get your jollies? No! It is just the way she is, it seems. If things aren't going her way, she finds someone else. But, now there are children involved, so she should've tried harder to find a way to improve the M, and one thing would've been to make you see how serious she was before she withdrew her affection.
But, I am in no better sitch, after 5 years trying to make my H see after our so-called reconciliation. I think in his case, he just never regained his love for me, just whiteknuckling for the sake of the children, and I don't want that, and nor would you. It's no way to live.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Can one use the infidelity in another country as a flight risk when it comes to custody, if not for the purposes of D?
I am assuming that will be all I need to prevent her from ever taking our minor children out of the country.
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OMG Future, I hope it doesn't come to this, but it seems your WAW is bent on going through with this. One would think she would hesitate after having gone through it before. Just know that you didn't do anything to deserve being betrayed like this. It's not your fault. Yes, you might've been a better H, but we are all imperfect. I bet she could've been a better W, but did you turn to someone else to get your jollies? No! It is just the way she is, it seems. If things aren't going her way, she finds someone else. But, now there are children involved, so she should've tried harder to find a way to improve the M, and one thing would've been to make you see how serious she was before she withdrew her affection.
She did seem to be hesitating last fall. She was seriously wavering, and I was trying to be strong, but also offer her a path back. I thought for sure I was riding the line just right. I offered her my sympathy, as in "I can imagine what this must be like for you emotionally." I tried not to put on serious pressure, as in "Reconciliation is way too big of a word for what I want right now, but I'd like for us to spend some time together to see how it feels." She eventually said she would like us to spend time together, but when I laid down my boundary that there can't be a third party involved, that's when she got all strange on me, and things degraded. I really thought she was returning to normal, and that I could see in her the W I knew. I guess not.
I know we both could have been much better spouses to each other. I expressed to her my regret and sorrow for my failings in our M. She seemed to accept that from me. She in turn expressed to me her regret over her failings. I was floored, and that was what got me to lower my guard.
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But, I am in no better sitch, after 5 years trying to make my H see after our so-called reconciliation. I think in his case, he just never regained his love for me, just whiteknuckling for the sake of the children, and I don't want that, and nor would you. It's no way to live.
I'm sorry you are going through this. To my W's credit, last fall she did express to me her fear that that is exactly what would happen with us. I tried to just validate her fear, and give her a no pressure option to take.
I think "flight risk" in NY is very common when custody issues come up due to the close proximity to Canada. My mom and step dad live in NY but have three bridges within 2 miles of their home to enter into Canada. Actually there are four bridges but one of them is a "walking bridge" and vehicles are not allowed.
Last year a little boy who lived in Canada right next to the bridge to the US decided to take an adventure and ride his bike over the "big bridge" he saw every day. I think he was like 6yo. Somehow a small child zoomed past customs on his bike on the "walking bridge" to the US and NOBODY noticed.
Now that we have the Nexus card things might be different but it up until that became necessary to enter in to Canada it was *very* easy to gain entry to Canada by pulling up to customs, acknowledging the "arret" sign (:) ) and saying "citizenship US" without ANY documentation.
Now that we have the Nexus card things might be different but it up until that became necessary to enter in to Canada it was *very* easy to gain entry to Canada by pulling up to customs, acknowledging the "arret" sign (:) ) and saying "citizenship US" without ANY documentation.
Why do I have "Blame Canada" running through my head now? (Or better yet, the "Canadians: They Walk Among Us" spot from Canadian Bacon?)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
She did seem to be hesitating last fall. She was seriously wavering, and I was trying to be strong, but also offer her a path back. I thought for sure I was riding the line just right. I offered her my sympathy, as in "I can imagine what this must be like for you emotionally." I tried not to put on serious pressure, as in "Reconciliation is way too big of a word for what I want right now, but I'd like for us to spend some time together to see how it feels." She eventually said she would like us to spend time together, but when I laid down my boundary that there can't be a third party involved, that's when she got all strange on me, and things degraded. I really thought she was returning to normal, and that I could see in her the W I knew. I guess not.
Then you did all you could do, Future. Stop second-guessing yourself. Ultimately, this was HER decision, and you don't get to make it for her. You had every right to communicate to her your need for no-contact with OM -- you're married, for crissakes. That it went sour at this point means that she was either insincere, or just unwilling to give him up.
Just because there are a bunch of firemen standing around every time you see a fire, doesn't mean FIREMEN CAUSE FIRES. Just because a communicated boundary pushes a spouse away, doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do . . . it just means they weren't ready to be faithful.
