Trent, frankly I see nothing wrong with variations of a couple of the statements you quoted there.
GIMA, enjoy your time away, hope it helps your PMA!
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
And maybe there is nothing wrong. All of our situations are different, and we and our spouses react differently. What may make things worse for one couple may be a breakthrough for another.
But a recurring theme of a lot of those statements is lack of empathy or understanding of what the WAS is going through. As I said to knittedscarf, many walk-away spouses are not 100% committed to leaving; they may have barely screwed up the courage to say they were leaving. That's part of the DB'ing process; if you can show them that they are wrong about the situation, or about your willingness to change, then they may reconsider staying.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Oh, I agree with you from that perspective Trent. All of us have personal decisions to make at many different points, and forgiveness can probably be one of the most problematic among them. The adage that it's for one's own good comes across hollow for some.
I would say that for some folks ... perhaps GIMA, Serenity among them e.g., really they might do better "embracing the suck" and accept it's no point chasing the cheeseless tunnel of wanting to be with someone who does not want to be with them, or even worse, verge on abusing them.
Cheers.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Iced in here where I am and I just couldn't sleep.
@Trent, I completey agree with your post.
@Deep, I completely agree with your post.
Trent, whether it's out of the LBS' pain/hurt/anger, it is common for the LBS not to understand that, in most (nearly all?), cases, the LBS has difficulty understanding and accepting that the WAS is hurting too. In my case, I knew my W was (and I believe still is) hurting, but initially, my own pain/hurt/sense of rejection was si strong, I had to fight through that to see my W's POV and try to understand what she MAY have been going through. That takes time and a willingness to overcome.
If a LBS is trying to DB, and they cannot understand their S is also hurting, scared, in pain, then I don't think they are DB'ing, as I see that as an integral part of this process. Whether it brings the WAS back or not is beside the point. I think it is more important to accept that this person who is D'ing you IS hurting. Otherwise, the LBS cannot unload their hurt, which inevitably will manifest itself as anger and resentment towards the WAS. I do not want to carry around that anchor the rest of my life. It isn't healthy for me or for my kids.
And, Deep, I do agree with you that in my case, I have done all I can do. All I can do at this point is to continue to lead out of this limbo existence. That means doing my best to show compassion and love while, at the same time, protecting myself. Maybe my W follows my lead, but, in all likelihood, that will not happen. None of us knows the future (not even including the WAS), so I think it is important to leave the door to reconciliation cracked just enough that if the WAS chooses to open it, we can say "Hello." Hopefully, the versions of our S we fell in love with will be the ones trying to open the door.
Made it to my hometown where I'm visiting for the weekend. Staying at a lake house and I'm really looking forward to waking up with a view of the lake. The solitude is nice.
Had dinner with some of my family. They are concerned for me and the kids.
On the way down, W actually sent me pictures of the kids playing she took with her phone and sent me some txts to ask how my drive was going and to tell me a party she was supposed to go to tomorrow was cancelled. This from a woman who had me served with a D petition on Tuesday?! I don't get it. And I'm not biting. I responded with a simple "ok."
... perhaps GIMA, Serenity among them e.g., really they might do better "embracing the suck" and accept it's no point chasing the cheeseless tunnel of wanting to be with someone who does not want to be with them, or even worse, verge on abusing them.
I have to "embrace the suck"?
I am not sure I know what that means nor do I like the sound of that.
(((GIMA)))
You are sounding better by the day my friend - Good for you! Have a wonderful stay at the lakehouse.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Thanks Serenity. I usually go out to the dock in the mornings with a cup of coffee and watch the sun come up. So, of course, I thought of you! I'll try to post some pics in the alt.
D is D. Down to every last detail. It was nice of her to send pics of the kids, but didn't you just leave them? Were they doing something out of the ordinary in their play? If not, then why send the pics? She has no business asking how your drive is going, reporting what is going on in her life. M'd people do that, D'd or S'd people don't.
It's almost as if she is dangling a carrot in front of you called 'family interaction' just so she can reel you in a little at a time only to cut the line while you're gasping for breath and plunge you back in the open ocean. Good heavens!
Sorry for the fishing analogy.
Just keep staying as dark as you possible can.
Enjoy the lake and the peace and quiet. You deserve it.
Hope you didn't hit much ice on your drive down. It's still pretty nasty around here tonight.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Don't know where the alt. is and still trying to figure out why I am embracing the suck - Wanna clue me in since you are iced in and probably bored talking to yourself (no worries I do it to lol)?
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Drive was no problem. But its really cold here too.
I don't know what my W is thinking. Its as if she wants to be D'd one minute, then wants to return to an intact family the next. I'm not on that thrill ride anymore and won't jump at her offerings. She left me so we are not a family anymore. My family is me and the kids.
The kids were just playing at a playground. Nothing warranting sending me pics. A nice gesture, but don't try to buddy up and strike up a conversation. You forfeited that right. And, no, I don't care what she's doing tomorrow night. Why would I care? So, why tell me?
