Cutter, WOW! love your playlist. I even looked up the lyrics. Such thoughtful choices to dedicate. Definitely have to be in a fog to not be affected by the words.
Thanks for the intro to these groups.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
My friend, you did an amazing job! When I think about where we were both at in September, and see the changes we have made for OURSELVES since then, it truly is amazing. Yes, we have had different outcomes to our sitches, but the internal transformation is what is important.
If you truly are done with Ladybug, there will be a strong, confident Cutter who will likely some day meet a wonderful woman who will appreciate the man you are! And, if you are not, let me tell you... you most likely got her attention!
1) Why Michelle on your playlist? 2) Are you letting yourself change the April deadline to sooner if you feel ready?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
1) Michelle, my belle. These are words that go together well, My Michelle.
There is a build up from track 13. 13 title says it all 14, theme is when you lose everything you start again. you start all over again. 15, That great song by metric. help i'm alive my heart is beating like a hammer. I am using it to talk about my fear of the future and how I am over coming it...
If we're still alive My regrets are few If my life is mine What shouldn't I do? I get wherever I'm going I get whatever I need While my blood's still flowing And my heart's still Beating like a hammer Beating like a hammer
And then into my bell. my michelle. ( ladybug )
I think the lyrics speak for themselves.
Then our song. And something that is a theme around here. Fog, Distance, Shine the light. I am amazed on how the meaning of this song has changed over the years.
Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats. I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat. The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door Have been silenced forever more. The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row It seems farther than ever before Oh no.
Then I finish with the song I started this thread on. And the meaning still stands.
Guess its a love cd. But truly it is me expressing what I went through with ladybug over the last 6 months. And how I did not give up when she did. I speak with music. I love music. It helps me through life. Good times and bad times. It is my one trusted companion.
2) Still keeping a little love locked away.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Guess its a love cd. But truly it is me expressing what I went through with ladybug over the last 6 months. And how I did not give up when she did. I speak with music. I love music. It helps me through life. Good times and bad times. It is my one trusted companion.
2) Still keeping a little love locked away.
It really shows it's a love cd. You definitely have a talent "speaking with music". Beautifully expressed. <sigh> Blind ladybug.
When I was in my deepest pain I listened to music lots and let the lyrics speak for my heart. Now, I don't want to listen to any music. I want to stay numb. I'm tired of feeling. (Although I did enjoy your playlist.)
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I too made a CD like this for my wife. It was made up of "our songs" from over the years, and I named it, well . . . "Our Songs." (pretty creative, hunh?) I did add a colon: "Our Songs: With Love to My Jersey Girl," and Springsteen's Jersey Girl was one of the songs on there.
I did a lot of things like this for my wife over the years, but she's really not the romantic type. And the problem with doing something like this (or, say, anything from "The Love Dare" book) when you're DBing is that they come off as INCREDIBLY "pursuing."
If you can truly give it to her only "on your way out," and keep yourself from having any expectations that you'll get a reaction out of her, Cutter, than I think this is fine. You're doing it b/c "it's who I am." Just know that she may just see it as smothering and pursuing and pressuring.
"They" say when you start feeling indifferent it means you're ready to let go.
Just circling back a bit on your thread, Cutter, since I'd never really followed it before. Your feelings back on this day jumped out at me. I agree with the above, too, but I was also told that my feelings would jump all over the place from day to day, from love, to hate, to anger, to sadness, back to love, back to sadness, etc.
I was told when I got to "Disgust," I would know I was done.
I did, and I was, and I filed. We since reconciled, and pulled back from the abyss, and today are happier than we've been in years, but that was the emotion -- "disgust" -- that I needed to hit in order to file.
I have caught up on only about the last 4 pages of your thread, and I want to read more tonite before commenting. But you really sound good, and strong.
Re: the pauses; you don't think she might have been being coached, do you?
Puppy
No reason -- I was just wondering if the reason there were so many pauses in her end of your conversation might have been that someone was listening in, and coaching her on what to say.
A couple of thoughts to ponder, Cutter, that jumped out at me from reading your thread:
- Normally, when someone communicates as much as you did to us how much they are "dropping the rope," or how important it is to them that they come across as dropping it . . . they haven't dropped it yet.
- It is always best to make potentially life-changing decisions when you're NOT experiencing ANGER. I felt a ton of anger (maybe "righteous indignation" would be a better term?) churning beneath the posts where you recounted your phone conversation with your wife, and the one with your SIL.
Don't get me wrong -- anger is neither good nor bad, in and of itself, and you have every reason of course to feel it. It's HEALTHY. Just be careful that you don't make big decisions when you're in the midst of feeling it.
A couple of thoughts to ponder, Cutter, that jumped out at me from reading your thread:
- Normally, when someone communicates as much as you did to us how much they are "dropping the rope," or how important it is to them that they come across as dropping it . . . they haven't dropped it yet.
- It is always best to make potentially life-changing decisions when you're NOT experiencing ANGER. I felt a ton of anger (maybe "righteous indignation" would be a better term?) churning beneath the posts where you recounted your phone conversation with your wife, and the one with your SIL.
Don't get me wrong -- anger is neither good nor bad, in and of itself, and you have every reason of course to feel it. It's HEALTHY. Just be careful that you don't make big decisions when you're in the midst of feeling it.
Puppy
Thanks for the questions. I will clarify these and a few from before. As I have thought about this way too much this week.
I dropped the rope to ladybug. Not myself. I am still pondering those thoughts. Still carrying on the path. I am a patient man. But my primary concern is for myself not my marriage at this point. No anger. No fear. I don't know. I do not hide the hurt and disappointment. I just felt it was time to let ladybug know that she no longer has control over me. That I am making decisions now that are only for my benifit. That she thinks I have let her go. I have waited to do this for a little while. I also debate if I could ever forgive her for everything she has done. Fog or no fog its hard to think of your wife living with another man. And all that goes along with that. That I know you understand very well. I also did this to help speed her along to rock bottom. I still want to bust the affair. But I am starting to think she is not of a strong enough character to want to improve herself and admit her mistakes.
Do I still love ladybug? Yes I do. I will not hide that from myself. The song Michelle by the beatles expresses how I feel about her. It will fade with time. But I still love her very much. When I think of her in passing thought. Its not with disgust.
Perhaps I am starting to think ladybug is not worth the sacrifice and effort.
As I have said. I am still process all this.
Next step is to see how I am in the same room as her.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
