Yes, I know. I often wonder how you are dealing with your ordeal and if it is similiar to mine. Last night, I confessed her that I have been holding some things back because I am afraid to bring up anything negative that may drive a wedge between us. I know it isn't right, but I also don't think there is too much harm in digesting all that has happened. I think we can let it come out slowly in the MC sessions where a third party can help guide us through some of the sensitive areas. Please let me know if you start a piecing thread; it will be a daily read for me.
I just brought up in our most recent MC session (on New Year's Eve day), that I want to start to get into some of the things surrounding my wife's affair two years ago. My wife cringed, but said she understood, and agreed, and the MC said she would help us.
It's not "dwelling" so much as it is wanting to have some greater level of understanding and insight, as I don't EVER want our marriage to get to such a painful place again!
Exactly. My question to her last night was "How do we know this won't happen again?" Her answer was "We know more now". Which is true, but do we know enough?
One thing with which I am struggling is do I need to know more about the affair? Questions on details of how? when? what? why? Part of me thinks I should be able to just let these things go. A bigger part tells me that I don't even want to know. But will they be questions that continue to haunt me or will they fade? I don't know. I guess only time will tell.
I don't know either. I do know that those are some of the kinds of things that people deal with over in Piecing, which is why I think I'm going to start a thread there.
My wife has always been the type to say "I don't want to dwell on the past, or over-think this. Let's just move on," but I'm of the "Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it," kwim?
I think awareness, understanding and being able to talk about things that would have been issues in the past is key. One thing that has served us well is "If it is bothering you then it is your responsibility to bring it up." Helps to have a partner that will empathetically listen, validate and support solutions. So communcating in healthy ways is productive and bonding. Makes you love in different ways. I know you guys can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Things continue to roll on. I have occassions where I find myself anxious about the future, but there is no reason for me to be worried. My W has been great since we have been back together. I think it is just repercussions of what happened this past year.
We started exploring what happened over this past year in our last MC session. The C spent a lot of time asking me what it took for me to forgive. I said that it started with understanding what happened and how; then I accepted that none of us are perfect and we both made mistakes that led to the problems. Finally, I just needed to let it go.
The C then stated that that part of forgiveness had to include appreciation for the other. We need to appreciate all that the other brings to the relationship in order to forgive. He then asked my W if she could forgive herself? She said she wasn't sure.
This last session was very uncomfortable for both of us. But I am going to let the C lead us here. This is one place where I think I just need to trust the professional and the process.
Saving our M is exhausting; physically, mentally, & emotionally. But I would not trade this for anything; the reward is well worth it.
After reading some good advice from you on my thread, I read yours and noticed you found your wife was bipolar.
I met a friend who developed bipolar disorder when I was in university through a youth program - he was 17 at the time. Later, I moved and as did he, both of us eventually coming back to the same city. Having gone through a few cycles with him, I noticed a few things that I thought might be helpful to you as you live with your W:
1. When manic, they are going to do things that they will later regret. It can send them into 'personality shock' as all the behaviour limits in thought and action are lifted and they do and think things that can't be just erased. Mutual forgiveness and 'repentance' are needed (in other words, bad choices when manic don't make bad ones when normal OK).
2. Meds are a must if others around want a normal life - maybe a lower dose. By the time your W is manic/depressed, it might be too late to convince them to voluntarily take the meds, but it also takes longer to come back to normal. Almost every time he was manic, he was off meds.
3. Don't leave things hidden. He didn't want to talk about his condition with his W and they had a lot of problems because of it. His W and her family didn't know enough to understand how to get him talking. You mentioned that your W wasn't spilling everything to her psych., which only leaves more for her during a depression cycle.
I really hope your W's condition is better than my friend's was. You want to know more about her affair and personally, I think this is your right. I also think that the more that she doesn't disclose might leave her with more baggage than she can always handle - and you.
When I was reading some of your posts, I began feeling that you felt that some of your M problems had to do with your choices earlier in your M. Then, I reimagined the situation with the Bipolar D. which may have been present but undiagnosed, and then I thought that depressive and manic episodes exaggerate emotions, which could lead to the EA and PA.
Going through this with your MC is good, but maybe having her answer just one question at a time is enough.
If I've misread/misunderstood - sorry! If not, I hope this post helps...
It has been a while since I have checked in. This past week has been the most comfortable/natural I have spent with my W in over a year. We had a good session with the MC this morning after a rough one a week before. The MC really pushed us to talk about the OM and seperation last week; it took its toll on both of us. But I have been able to relax more since that session, so I really think it did me some good.
Hope all is going well for everyone out there. I wish I could get on here more, but my life has been extremely busy lately.
I know it has been a long tim I have been here. But I was thinking of you all and just wnated to say hi and give you a little update.
Things are still going well between W and I and continue to improve each week. We just returned from a wonderful trip to Puerto Rico where we stayed with her family. We have finished remodeling the kitchen in preperation to sell the house and plan on moving to Texas sometime in the summer. As time goes by, the difficult times we had seem to be fading from my mind.
From time to time, she still has bouts with depression but is working hard to deal with the episodes off meds (personally, as I look back, I think the meds did more harm than good). I still tend to get a little anxious when these episodes occur; but my anxiety is subsiding with each reoccurrence.
We continue to go to MC every other week which helps. I feel bad that I have been neglecting this site; it has given me my life back. And I continue to think that eventually I will get a chance to come back and give you all the attention you deserve. I hope all is well with you all and will try to catch up with each of you individually. I think of you often.
