It does sound like there is some regret in his heart. It also seems like there is fair bit of indecisiveness on your part. I would say that your husband is very close to the bottom of the barrel...so that is good. What I have witnessed here is that men, more so than woman, tend to appear almost suicidal near the bottom.
I forgot...do you do anything together when he isn't down?
It has always been that way in our relationship....her holding me to standards that she probably can't even meet.
Has it? Not being combative here. Just curious if you're looking for justifications right now. The MLCer isn't the only one that re-writes the relationship history.
As for the listening when they talk non-stop babble...and they do. It takes practice to really listen. But it also takes you to stand up a little and slow them down.
I have found that repeating things helps MUCH more than just nodding my head and grunting an 'ahuh', works much better. I have alos found that by saying, you lost me when you switched subjects...as soon as you realized she changed subjects from the pros of a severe bob haircut to the rising flood waters in China is just as helpful and shows that you have been listening.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
LOL...Jack I do repeat things back to her and then she looks at me and asks "Why are you doing that?". I of course reply that it is proactive communication that I am practicing and get the "Dork!" statement. The biggest breakdown in our communication seems to be when the kids are around. All three of them will be talking to me about different things and then I always seem to respond to the wrong person. I have to work on setting boundaries with the kids that when others are talking it isn't polite to interrupt with barbie or pokemon discussions.
I thought about your changing history comment....really it isn't looking for justification or changing history. It seems like nothing I have done through the years has been good enough. Actually I would say unappreciated even and this predates the current situation. Pathetically I used to go to Wifes/moms forums and research what woman wanted out of their spouse. This was an attempt on my part to be a better husband than what I felt like at the time. So I read about wife's/moms wanting help doing dishes, cooking, laundry, cleaning, week nights with the girls...etc. So I tried desperately to put into my married life what all these woman complained about. So Laundry for example...I would do laundry and then get "you didn't do it all". Then I would do it all and get "You didn't separate it right". So then I would do it all, separate it right and get "you didn't fold it right". This was a constant part of our relationship in many facets right from dating. Very rarely would I get a "thank you" or "at least you tried". More often than not the reply was "You didn't do it right". Then I would eventually give up on trying.
Of course the flip side to all that...after being in this situation for so long, she finally noticed that I try. She said to me this weekend "One good thing that has come out of this is that after two years you know what it is like to be me and have changed how you think about my life". So I guess a baby step.
May I suggest that you tried to correct your actions...after you noticed her...change? So of course it was too little too late. She needed to belittle your actions otherwise she was making a mistake.
Or was she always like this?
"Hey do you want to go out on a date?"
"Well you did that wrong, and your voice squeaked a bit there...but (sigh) sure."
: )
I hate the been there done that, but I felt similar to you as well. If you get the chance to work on issues, this is one you can most certainly point out in her later.
My wife had a beautiful black sweater, that now fits Barbie after I did the laundry once...I can never do her laundry again, and I'm pretty sure that will be somewhere on my gravestone, but...I don't have to do laundry. : )
Win.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Oh Jack...it has always been like that. Really early in our relationship we used to watch 90210 with one of her girlfriends. So one night, I was in college at the time so afternoons were always free, I made dinner for all of us. It was one of the first dinners I had made for her at the time. So I made special mashed potatoes, sauteed veggies, and a meatloaf. So during dinner she complained how the meatloaf was dry and the veggies over cooked. Then while her and the friend talked about their day I cleaned up the kitchen...or so I thought....as I was politely told after the friend left. I did get a thank you, but it was just an example of what was to come.
So you shrunk the black sweater...the funny part about it all for us; While I have destroyed many of the kids and my clothes...I haven't damaged a single piece of hers. Just an oddity I suppose, but just how it has worked.
Hope you had a good thanksgiving.
I always joke that I am one of the few husbands who has been hollered at for doing laundry or the dishes...seriously. At that point in our relationship she noted that I was infringing on her responsibilities...so I stopped for a time. Then a kid would cry, a diaper would need to be changed, and the sink was filled with plates...so I would start again all over.
She chased me...LOL...and I don't think I am physically capable of a squeaky voice.
Overall this is something that will have to be addressed if we get some point of reconciling. My therapist actually noted that early in our individual sessions. She noted that my wife had the right to state I wasn't do them to her level of satisfaction, but that she should also do it with a little appreciation that at least I tried.
Well busy week so far of working out and trying to find work. I did take a part time job as a bouncer. Hopefully my old bones will be able to keep up with my mind on this one. I am not 27 anymore and probably won't bounce back as fast from getting hit, but we will see.
On the marriage side of things....My wife has mentioned four times, at leas,t this week about deciding that she thinks she wants to stay married. On top of that we have sat down and had lunch together for the last three days including going out for lunch today. Hmmmm.....maybe her actions are showing that her attitude is starting to change?
LOL...That is so true Jack. The problem is most of the young bucks aren't smart enough to know the difference.
Back in my younger bouncing days I met a navy seal and a ranger (in the area for security on a nuclear plant decommission)and they were goofing around showing me how pressure points work. It was humbling to have them make my arm go numb with a touch.
Just catching up.....I had an excellent Holiday season and hope you had the same Jack. Been busy here marketing the business, dealing with Christmas, and rekindling my marriage. Yes I just said that. My wife changed her status to married on Facebook, posts about how I "was the best choice she ever made", that I have always been her one true friend even when she didn't believe it or deserve it, and that her New Years resolution is to rekindle our marriage....so a lot has happened (she even mentioned going on a date...LOL).
Not resting on that though, as I acknowledge there is still a lot of work that needs to be done, but so far the New Year has started out on a very good note.
Talked a lot with my therapist today about the changes that I have made through the course of the whole situation. He is very impressed that I stood by my convictions, yet still accepted my own weaknesses. Upon accepting those weaknesses, instead of not changing them as so many would....I used personal strength and initiative to make myself a better person.
So yes I am a changed person...definitely for the better....and I look forward to the New Year!
