K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[TrentC]

If I don't set a boundary, she just steps across every line she can. Why is that? Why do people do that? She knows it isn't right, yet does it anyways because she doesn't care. What kind of mindset is that?

Boundaries are a matter of respect, not necessarily about right and wrong.

She has no respect for you right now, so she will ignore them.

[K4D]

This is a new application for my droid phone i am testing it i can talk to my phone types for me

kevin

[K4D]

Not to bad. It works. Anyways trentc, you are correct about respect and boundaries. Still not a great mindset though to deliberately show no respect just because you feel you can.

Kevin

[MrBond]

"Ok, maybe it is not a boundary since there is nothing I can do about it if it is not respected."

No it IS a boundary. Boundaries are for you. It tells her what you will not tolerate. True she may step over them, but they exist to tell her what YOU will not allow.

To a certain extent, boundaries should come with consequences and you follow through on them. Some of the threads that people have mention them threatening legal action as an example. Find what that consequence can be. You have to start thinking like the WAS and not really care about her feelings.

Remember...detach.

Keep those boundaries. It's putting yourself in the driver's seat and not as the victim.

[MrBond]

Oh and I don't think there was anything wrong with your W coming over to arrange gifts as if they were from Santa. In that instance it was for the kids. It was Christmas and there's got to be some forgiveness and peace some time.

The key is to know when to use the stick and when to use the carrot.

And STOP saying that there is nothing that you can offer her, she doesn't want anything from you which is how she can disrespect you...blah blah blah. All that is the old Kevin.

[Startingover2]

"Ok, maybe it is not a boundary since there is nothing I can do about it if it is not respected."

No it IS a boundary. Boundaries are for you. It tells her what you will not tolerate. True she may step over them, but they exist to tell her what YOU will not allow.

To a certain extent, boundaries should come with consequences and you follow through on them. Some of the threads that people have mention them threatening legal action as an example. Find what that consequence can be. You have to start thinking like the WAS and not really care about her feelings.

Remember...detach.

Keep those boundaries. It's putting yourself in the driver's seat and not as the victim.

You need to figure out what the consequences of the boundaries are and follow thru with those. I always think of myself as a mother of 3 year old child (exh) and I say don't do that or ???, then he does it anyway but nothing happens. I say it again and again and he keeps doing it knowing I won't do anything. Need to draw the line and stick to it, not keep backing up the line. Figure out what the consequences are.

[K4D]

Stuck,

Thanks. I agree with you on all points.

SO2,

I don’t know what if anything would be a consequence to W. I’m not sure there is one. I guess it goes back to just protecting myself with boundaries.

I asked my BIL if he thought W has a conscience anymore. He said no. This stunned me as he was the biggest advocate of things working out between us with time and he had the most faith of anyone. For him to say he no longer believes she has a conscience, wow.

Kevin

[Drew]

When did you ask BIL this?

[K4D]

Drew,

I asked BIL this past Sunday. He responded this morning. He has known W almost as long as I have.

Kevin

[Drew]

I'm going to suggest something: Go all day today without posting one word about your W. Not one. Not what she's thinking, not what she's doing, nothing. Think you can do that?