K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[CityGirl]

And Stuck... there are 20 things I can think of off the top of my head that Kevin has CHOSEN not to set a boundary on with is W. Boundaries that would have been healthy, viable and helpful for him to move forward (note I did not say "move on", I said "move forward and there is a HUGE difference between the two) as a man. Yet, he chooses the one thing where setting a boundary is not a viable or realistic option.

So, do you feel that Kevin *really* understands what a boundary is, why they are important and what purpose they serve? I do not.

This has NOTHING to even do with DB or any of that. This has to do with understanding the basic functions of adult life and what is needed to make that life healthy in every way.

[K4D]

I think what isn't or wasn't being noticed is that I realize I cannot control the situation. I had already come to that realization.

I am frusturated by what is happening. I let my frusturation hit to much last week with my W and today on the boards because I didn't think anyone was seeing my point.

It just came right out as I am judgemental and controlling or trying to control a situation.

I cannot control the situation. I am opposed to what is being done. But I can't control it.

I listed my goals to start focusing on those. That is what I aim to do.

And yes, the lights should have been turned out earlier today and probably by me had I not become frusturated by thinking that nobody is seeing my point. Maybe nobody agreed with it. I am getting used to that.

I do accept that other people have their beliefs and opinions. I accept that I have mine. I accept that they are not always going to be in line with others. I think the same should be accepted by others.

It does no good to debate opinions or get feathers ruffled by opinions. Opinions are what they are. Beliefs are what they are. I did state my boundary to my W and that is done. Whether she chooses to respect it or not is not in my control. I would hope she does, but if she doesn't, I have to live with that.

I have my goals I am going to work on for me. It doesn't include terminating the future with W. But it does include me getting my own life going this year. And it does include that I am going to have opinions one way or the other as this process continues. They may be rejected and spit out or they may be acknowledged and even considered. I don't know. But I will accept the outcome whatever that may be because I have no other choice. I won't be in agreement with it. But I will comply with it.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

SadGirl - I have no idea if asking the children to "choose" is the way to go. I know there are many people that have far more info on this subject than I do. But I do know that pretending to be the "happy family" really gives small children a sense of false hope when they are still attempting to adjust, heal and understand.

If any parent is worried about their children being confused IMO that should be it. Having both parents attend a special event is one thing - sneaking in and out of a house to make things look "pretty" for one day is another.

[CityGirl]

Your ONLY choice is to accept and "comply" with the outcome even if you don't like it?

No wonder you can't DB to save your life!

Your FIRST goal should be to turn your outlook around. You will accept the outcome and either way you will be GREAT! You won't comply to anything because you will be just grand either way. That is where you mentally need to be to DB.

And no, you did not set a boundary. You made a request to your W. There is no boundary to set on the issue of her and OM and the children.

[K4D]

Ok. I made a request and it didn't seem to matter. Neither has any other request I have made. Ok, maybe it is not a boundary since there is nothing I can do about it if it is not respected. There isn't really anything I can do if she doesn't respect those requests other than just ignore her and completely disappear from her life which hasn't really bothered her in the past.

I do not see any boundary I can set with her other than removing her from my life in any and all circumstances. And again, like she would care.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Then make it a goal to get to a mental place of caring about you and your future more than you care about what your W thinks or does. 'Cause you are right, her actions are very clear that she does not care about her marriage anymore. And we all know the person who cares about the R the least controls it the most.

[Startingover2]

Kevin..have you ever made a timeline for yourself on how long you will let this go with being legally married to a woman who runs amuck over your marriage? She may go on forever like this. Is that something you are prepared to do?

[K4D]

I know CG. SO2, yes.

Kevin

[K4D]

Tonight I had to work late. W already knew. D12 had choir tonight. I didn't get off until it was almost to close to get her to choir. W went and picked up D7 at the last minute. She asked me to take D12 to choir. I said we won't have time to make it. She said she needs to go. Again I said I won't have time to get her there. W says she can't miss more than 3 times. She then said I can pick up D7 at her house and she will take D12 downtown to the choir. I said fine, whatever. She said by. So I get to the house. I decide I will go ahead and rush D12 there even though neither of the girls have eaten and W waited til the last second to pick up D7 from school. I also had to stop and get gas. I said isn't she considered absent even if she is tardy? That was my understanding anyways, W says she doesn't think so. Ok fine. I will take them.

I go into the house for a second without the kids and W says to me "How was avatar?" I said it was good. I asked her how she liked it to. She said she did. Then she gets snippy with me and says next time I go to a movie for a couple hours to call her so she can spend some time with the girls. Stupid and pathetic me said "ok". Man that was stupid of me. Later on I thought, geez, I should have said, thanks for the suggestion, I will keep that in mind next time and left it at that. But no, I couldn't think on my feet yet again. I'm sitting here thinking, what about when she hires a baby sitter and doesn't ask me if I want the kids? How about the fact every single time I have ever brought something like that up she has ALWAYS had plans. I was supposed to finally assume for one brief period she actually didn't have plans on a saturday afternoon? I'm stunned. This is a first ever since we started exchanging the kids. None the less, another opportunity blown to DB because I was to slow and stupid to think on my feet when she came at me with that in her mood.

I took D12 to her choir and thought about it the whole way there. I get so tired of me being the nice one and I get no respect. It isn't until I become not so nice that all of a sudden she treats me with more respect. Stupid.

As selfish as this sounds and is, I truly hate my life. I truly hate myself. I just don't enjoy my life at all. I truly hate it. I feel like I live in a cave in this apartment. I hate coming home alone every other week at night. I don't get why I basically have to be a jerk to get any respect from her. I don't like being a jerk. I feel like a jerk if I set a real boundary with her and enforce consequences. It is hard to set a boundary and enforce it and not feel like a jerk.

Kevin

[K4D]

If I don't set a boundary, she just steps across every line she can. Why is that? Why do people do that? She knows it isn't right, yet does it anyways because she doesn't care. What kind of mindset is that?

I'm tired and it has been a draining day.

Kevin