K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[iwantittowork]

This entire thing is wrong. It is all wrong. It is plainly and simply wrong.

This exemplifies the issue.

It is wrong to you, and according to your beliefs.

It is right to your STBXW, according to her beliefs.

Which one is right?

Neither. Because there is no wrong or right, there just 'is' the way things 'are'

According to your beliefs, you can make this 'right' if you can just change or influence something that is completely outside your control.

That is a completely unhealthy way to think and live. It gets you nothing but more of the same thing that you have currently.

Is that what you want? More of the same?

If it isn't, and god I hope that it isn't.

What can you change to get something different from now on?

I'd like to give you a hint to the answer to the question above, but you must find the answer on your own, or it will mean nothing to you.

[smith18]

And no, I don't trust W to make decisions that are best for the kids when it comes to involving them with OM especially the fact that she is involving them at all.

Do you think you ever could trust her again after doing this?

[TrentC]

I'm sorry. I am purely speaking out of frusturation at this point. I just can't believe there is nothing I can do to stop my kids from getting pulled into this. It bothers me to no end.

...but you're not trying to control the situation. Oh, no.

It greatly bothers me. It is like people are basically forced into accepting something no matter how much their beliefs are against it.

Welcome to the real world. Crap happens.

I am having a tough time accepting this. I could deal with it when it was just her and OM. I am having a real hard time accepting that my kids are now being drawn into this.

You know something, Kevin? They are her kids, too.

Barring an arrangement where she gets no custody and no visitation, she will get the opportunity to create her own relationship with her kids. You can't "protect" them from that.

Once you are divorced, she may choose to hop in and out of every bed she comes across. She may also find that she can settle down with OM, and end up in a somewhat healthy relationship. But that is her choice, and her prerogative, and the best you can do for your kids is to help them deal with whatever happens.

[CityGirl]

Of course you didn't think Christmas would confuse the kids because your focus w/Christmas was to take a "gamble" and try and "win" your W back. THOSE WERE YOUR WORDS VERBATIM. Instead of worrying about that you perhaps should have thought about THE ROLE YOU PLAY IN CONFUSING THE CHILDREN.

I don't care if you believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy. You cannot FORCE anybody to believe in those same things. You cannot force ANYBODY to operate under the principles in which you believe life should be conducted. Perhaps your W is dating so much because she is looking for somebody with a more open mind.

What mess are your kids being pulled into? Seeing their mother, who has been separated for over a year spending time with other men?

What about the mess they got pulled into when you took off to Florida leaving them because you couldn't deal with things? What about the mess you pulled them into when you passed a good job on to your W and were drinking all the time? How are those things any less damaging? IMO they are not.

Your W doesn't want to be with you. And if you don't trust her as a mother why in hell would you want to be with her? It makes no sense to me at all.

[K4D]

Basically and ultimately it all comes back to the serenity prayer.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

You may have the prayer memorized but do you REALLY understand the context of it?

I feel you are using your kids to try and control your W. I am sorry if that is wrong but it's how I see things. You really will have to expand about the "mess" your W is pulling them to and how it compares to the "mess" you pulled them in to.

Before you can pass judgement on somebody else you must examine your role as a man and father. I am surprised your priest has not spoken to you at length about that.

You judge your W about EVERYTHING yet when we point out things you have done you say you are sorry, you get it now and you won't do it again. But you do.

More than once you have shown your kids that when the going gets tough you quit (going to Florida, job, drinking, AA) but somehow that is not pulling them in to a mess. And trying to control what your W does by saying it is for your kids is also pulling them in to a crazy ass mess.

[Super Girl]

I really would feel like a clone.

Kevin

Kevin, you are not playing nicely in the sandbox.

Can the last person to leave this thread please turn off the lights?

[TrentC]

Basically and ultimately it all comes back to the serenity prayer.

Which means what to you?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;

This would include your wife's choice to divorce you, and the fact that she will bring other people into your children's life.

courage to change the things I can;

This would be things like your drinking problem, working with a counselor, and learning to detach.

and wisdom to know the difference.

Or at least the wisdom to listen to people who can help you figure it out.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;

Are you really, Kevin?

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;

This would include coming to grips with the fact that your (STBX)W will make decisions that you do not agree with.

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;

Have you really surrendered to His will? You've fasted, you've been a "stander", you've lectured about your morality; but have you considered that maybe God is trying to tell you something by "allowing" this D to proceed?

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

[TrentC]

Can the last person to leave this thread please turn off the lights?

Man, I've tried so hard to stay out of this thread...

[K4D]

I let myself get to wrapped up in this today. It wasn't productive on my part. I understand yalls views. I appreciate the advice.

Kevin