Kevin she is acting and living like you are divorced. It doesnt matter what the courts say.
It sux. Believe me. We get it!
That is why we have BEGGED you to DETACH. To LET GO! The sooner you realize that you are not in CONTROL of her ACTIONS the better. Until you make a formal arrangement in court you have NO say. I would suggest you get a custody agreement established in court so, like me, and countless others your rights can start being DEFENDED.
The C said not until at least 6 months have passed since the D being final. They need time to process it and heal themselves. W has decided to disregrad this. I can't do anything about that. But I made my feelings known and I looked into if there was anything I could to keep my kids from having that done to them.
Well then, better hurry up and get divorced to start the 6 month clock ticking, because she is NOT going to stop seeing her "friend."
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I don't agree that OM should have anything to do with our kids even after the D, but that is my own personal beleifs and feelings and I am well aware a judge isn't going to care. But I do not want her just bringing guys into and out of their lives and basically showing unstableness and that I was willing to look at court and custody options to try and prevent for their sake.
Kevin
Kevin,
You honestly don't see this as controlling? Seriously? Let's start there ....
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
But I do not want her just bringing guys into and out of their lives and basically showing unstableness and that I was willing to look at court and custody options to try and prevent for their sake.
This is the part you don't get. Once you are divorced, you have no control and little input into who she sees or allows around the children.
What you say and what you do are completely at odds. You say you're not trying to control her, then turn right around and expect that you can dictate who she can be around your children with. That's not going to happen, barring a custody agreement in your favor; the only other possibilities would be if the new man poses a credible threat to your kids. ("Being your ex-wife's new boyfriend" does not constitute a threat, I'm sorry to say.)
I know it sucks, but that's part of the pain of getting divorced. Your kids are going to be hurt and confused, and you need to focus on YOURSELF and how YOU can be the best parent for them.
Kids are pretty sharp; they'll figure out quickly enough if mom is a trainwreck and act accordingly. The son of one of my friends told his biological father that he wanted nothing to do with him, as soon as the boy was old enough to legally decide for himself if he wanted contact.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
What it all boils down to is you don't trust your W to make good choices about the men she dates (because they are not you) so essentially you are saying she doesn't have your children's best interest at heart as a MOTHER as she operates on a different belief system than you do.
Your W considers you divorced. While speculation is not accurate I am willing to bet money as soon as both of your employment situations improve (so she doesn't have to pay support to you) and you both move to Plano she will file. She is simply passing time until both of you have your ducks in a row and she can get the easiest and cost effective D possible.
What I am troubled by is how you hold your W to a different standard than you do. You don't want to expose your children to the men she dates and have them "coming in and out of their lives". What about you? You start things and allow them to come and go out of YOUR life so how is that any different? You started AA then bailed. You started with a C then bailed because he was too young. Then you want balls to the walls "standing" with the support of your priest which essentially means you cycled through "self help" programs until you found somebody who agreed with you.
Stop and think... AA, a C and all the people who post to you can't be that far off base. What is the common denominator here? YOU!
And, I don't feel this is an unreasonable question. You are so worried your children will be confused by your W's boyfriend. Why were you NOT worried about their confusion when you and your W played happy family on Christmas and for your daughter's b-day? Do you think indulging a fantasy that is awfully far from reality confused them? I think it did. Somehow that is okay but bowling with OM is not? Do you think it might confuse them if they knew their dad drifted from one self help medium to the next and why can't he follow through or stick with anything?
And really, you were willing to confuse/indulge your children playing "happy family" why? All for a gamble you posted about for days to "win" your W back. IMO that is a very serious problem and far more pressing than your W taking the kids bowling with a male that is not you.
What I am troubled by is how you hold your W to a different standard than you do. You don't want to expose your children to the men she dates and have them "coming in and out of their lives". What about you? You start things and allow them to come and go out of YOUR life so how is that any different? You started AA then bailed. You started with a C then bailed because he was too young. Then you want balls to the walls "standing" with the support of your priest which essentially means you cycled through "self help" programs until you found somebody who agreed with you.
Stop and think... AA, a C and all the people who post to you can't be that far off base. What is the common denominator here? YOU!
And, I don't feel this is an unreasonable question. You are so worried your children will be confused by your W's boyfriend. Why were you NOT worried about their confusion when you and your W played happy family on Christmas and for your daughter's b-day? Do you think indulging a fantasy that is awfully far from reality confused them? I think it did. Somehow that is okay but bowling with OM is not? Do you think it might confuse them if they knew their dad drifted from one self help medium to the next and why can't he follow through or stick with anything?
And really, you were willing to confuse/indulge your children playing "happy family" why? All for a gamble you posted about for days to "win" your W back. IMO that is a very serious problem and far more pressing than your W taking the kids bowling with a male that is not you.
Very well said, CG.
Too bad it'll fall on deaf ears, as it has every other time people have said the same thing.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
This entire thing is wrong. It is all wrong. It is plainly and simply wrong.
But I can't control any of it. I know that. Just because I may want to have some input and control when it comes to my kids on what they are being forced to deal with, I know that I really don't have any input and I certainly don't have any control over it. I have feelings and opinions, but I know that a judge will decide everything if it comes to that and I will be left with whatever his/her decision ends up being.
I understand the reality of life. I don't have to like it and I don't have to have the same opinion as everyone else. And for that matter, I won't.
But I do have to accept what is and is not within my own control. I do accept that. But it doesn't mean that I would not at least try and see what my options were to protect my kids what I consider not to be in the best interest for their well being regardless of anyone else's opinion. The door is pretty well shut on me having a say in it. I accept it. It frusturates me, but I accept it since there is no other alternative but to accept it. I won't be happy about it and I have every right to not be happy about it. I am not just going to change my belief on something just because it is different than what someone else chooses to believe unless I happen to think they are right and I am wrong which happens quite often, but won't happen with this when it comes to my kids.
It is my opinion and beliefs. Sorry it doesn't match up with others. Thank God it doesn't match up with everyone else. Then I really would feel like a clone.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You are hysterical! We are clones because MANY of us have far more experience in this area than you? Somehow all of us are lemmings and you, the famous "stander", know best?
As I just said to Dane on his thread I am really wondering what the point of a "real time" system is when the same advice is doled out on an hourly basis yet it rarely is considered and implemented.
You have a say in a ton of stuff but you don't make a peep. What you would like a say in (your W dating and not divorcing you) you are still clinging to.
Since you are so sure this is *all* about not confusing and protecting your children then why are you not addressing the questions I asked you about other *very* confusing behaviors (the "happy family" holiday and b-day, the lack of dedication to finishing out a program)?
We want to help and support you but when it comes to brass tacks your responses are predictable and include...
<sigh> she wins I quit I am protecting my kids
And my favorite from today... calling the very people that have stuck by you for months and months clones.
I'm sorry. I am purely speaking out of frusturation at this point. I just can't believe there is nothing I can do to stop my kids from getting pulled into this. It bothers me to no end.
And no CG, I did not think about or consider whether Christmas would confuse the kids. I guess I should have.
And no, I don't trust W to make decisions that are best for the kids when it comes to involving them with OM especially the fact that she is involving them at all. And while I made my share of mistakes in the past, I have woken up from a lot of it.
It greatly bothers me. It is like people are basically forced into accepting something no matter how much their beliefs are against it.
I am having a tough time accepting this. I could deal with it when it was just her and OM. I am having a real hard time accepting that my kids are now being drawn into this.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
