OldPilot-Thanks. I know this can't go on for years because my patience is at it's thinnest point in a very long time and I not sure I can find much more.
sh-I agree that since my focus was off the M for the last 6 month, my H seemed to make progress. I'm just not sure we can go back there again. And yes, my H has given notice at his apartment however he told me that when he gave his notice, they offered to lower his rent to stay.
di-Good to hear from you. You were with your H for the majority of your life so I can only imagine that letting go is that much more difficult but you are doing well and you will eventually get to the other side of this. I, too, wish there was a crystal ball to know how this is all going to turn out. Since we don't have one, I guess we just have to continue you on with our lives like they aren't coming back. However if we are standing, the caveat is that we don't file for D or start dating.
yr-I have so many questions for you. My H told me that he was "freaking out". When I asked if he was "freaking out" and still going to move back or "freaking out" and unable to move back, he couldn't answer. I guess I got my answer!!! He left 3 days ago unable to move in any direction and I haven't heard from him since. You could say that My H and I have been "dating" pretty consistantly for over a year now and when I gave my H the deadline, he told me that was fair and made some plans to move back but then... How long did you and your H see each other before talking about moving back in together? Did you ever push? After he got cold feet, did you hear from him consistently? I'm not sure I haven't already blown it and I must admit there is a part of me that doesn't really care if I have. This is all so confusing.
kj-My H and I agreed that we BOTH needed to move forward. Our plan was for him to move back so we could work on things. When my H told me he was "freaked out", I didn't handle it well and told him I would move forward without him and there is a big part of me that wants to do just that. I have accepted everything on his terms for so long and I am just not sure I can do it anymore. If I knew that he could get past his issues within 6 months, I could accept that. I just hate to keep investing all this time and energy into something that isn't paying off. So yes, I can live my life and if he were to come out of the fog at some point, I could evaluate the situation at that time. However, the longer this goes on, my feelings for my H do seem to fade.
l.t.-You are right that I am exhausted and want to quit. I am trying to find more energy to finish the race but at this point, I'm not even sure there is still a race. I suppose I might wonder "what if" but I know I have fought so hard and so long to keep this going, I can feel good about how I have handled things.
Thank you all for you encouragement, advice and support.
I have had no contact with my H for nearly 3 days and I have to say that my thoughts seem to be all over the place. I bounce from I need to give my H more time to I just want to move on to everything in between. I am here because I want to sort this out. I am here because I haven't entirely thrown in the towel. It would be helpful to I know where my H stands. Is he moving forward without me now? Here are some thoughts...
After everything that was said last weekend, I can't help but wonder if my H will do finally the "noble" thing and let me go. I have told him numerous times over the last 3 years to let me go and he always said that is ridiculous because I have control over that. He could have possibly finally realized how cruel he has been by giving me false hope all this time.
or
I suppose the most likely scenario is that my H is doing what he has been doing for the last 3 years...running, hiding and avoiding.
Since I can't be the fixer here, I have no option but to wait for him to contact me...right???
I am the last one that should be giving advice.............but, remember that they have no concept of time. I truly believe that. We can only guess about how time passes for them. What seems like 50 years for us---and HAS been 3 years, may only seem like a short time for them. He may have no idea that it's been 3 days since he has contacted you. Do you contact him now? I know what the experts here would say................no.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Three days is a very, very short time in the land of MLC. If you read anything about depression, they will tell you that time is not important to them because they are lost in their own little world. Depression slows everything down for them, it messes w/their memory, life is distorted for them. On the MLC Resources All in One, I have a thread there called "Highly Recommended Reading Materials". The books I mentioned in the first few postings are exceptionally good and there are some on depression. You might want to check it out. Also, the next time the Cymbalta commercial comes on TV, pay attend to it...depression hurts...it changes everything.
Your h may even forget that your children have "aged" a couple of years since he left the rational world. When he begins to focus on life again, he will find that you are not where you where when he left and he'll discover that many things have changed, i.e., children are older, everyone around him has aged, some may even have moved away, etc. Life as he knew it will not be the same for him.
Please leave him alone. Do not call him. He needs this time to focus on his issues. The less he focuses on those issues, the longer his journey will be. When he's ready, he'll contact you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your right, you want to wait for him to contact you IMO.
I want to comment on your comment about his being cruel and giving you false hope. He didn't do anything. His messages have been mixed (to say the least), but you have always had the power to go if that was your choice. I know you know that.
I don't believe in "false" hope, just hope. You either have it or you don't. I suspect you do. That's not a bad thing.
I will try to answer to the best of my memory. Before my H moved to the prison barracks he was ready to move back home. At least that was the plan. I could see that he was uneasy about it. He told me that he thought it would be better for us in the long run if he moved to the barracks. He needed time to think, alone time, etc. I was really proud of myself when he told me this. I didn't get bent out of shape, I just told him "okay." It hurt like he11, believe me but in the long run it was the best thing. He wasn't quite ready to make the big move.
No the communication wasn't constant. I never called him, I let him reach out to me. There were days that I didn't hear from him at all. Those where his thinking days I found out later. They are at a crossroads and really need to sort through this by themselves.
My feelings were just like yours. I couldn't give a care if I blew it after a while. I had taken enough. I pushed to some extent but let the decision be his. I don't think you have blown anything. It's all a part of the process.
I know you are tired and frustrated. Just sit back and wait to see what happens.
di-Thanks that for the reminder. I must admit, it has been difficult for me to shift gears so quickly. Less than a week I thought he would be moving back in and this week I have no idea what the future holds. I'm okay though.
snodderly-A long time ago, my H would always say that he thought that most women are depressed. I have no idea where he came up with that one but I do think that my H has a history of depression. My H was a premature baby and I have always wondered if there is a correlation between that and his depression. I know there have been studies that show there is a link. Also, my H's depression seems to be so compartmentalized to his personal life. He seems to function just fine in business. Is there an explaination for that?
Grace-How are you? Yes,I do know that I have the power to go BUT my H has not made it easy for me to walk away either. He continually dangles the carrot knowing that I would prefer to reconcile. I feel he does this just to keep me there...he doesn't want to commit either way so he just wants everything to stay stay as it is...so in the event he ever decides either way, his options are still open. Doesn't seem fair to me.
yr-For the time being, I am sitting back to see what happens. Although my H's lack of contact makes me feel like he is sending me the message that he has choosen his life of solitude over a life with me. I suppose that he just is just avoiding making any choice at all and there is no message...it just doesn't feel that way.
Before this happened, my H and I had been having daily contact for the most part and seeing each other at least 3-4 times per week. Now nothing. I pushed to get answers and got none. I don't know if I could go back to the relationship we had up until last week. I don't know if I can continue to sit on the fence with my H.
I know in DB recommends to try something different. I guess I am at a point where I am trying something different for my self-preservation. The way I feel right now (and I will disclaimer that with I know that could change in the next 5 minutes), I don't really want to see or talk to my H and if this M has a chance of working out, my H is going to have to come to me committed and ready to work on things. I just don't see that happening.
Thank you all again for your thoughts. This situation is so crazy. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have people who understand what it is that I am dealing with. (((HUGS))) to you all.
Hey Upside, I remember you from way back.. I was amazed to see your update and then sad to see he changed his mind. You are right, it DOES seem cruel.. my bf dated me for the best part of 8 months to turn around and go NC and date the woman at work who had been his friend at the beginning of his MLC/breakdown. I really dont think they can help it or AT THE TIME, realise how cruel they are being and how much hurt they are causing.
My bf has depression and he has since said, he was just barely functioning, he almost didnt care what happened to him, BUT he knew he had to be sensible and keep his career going and in fact, he did well in his job during the whole of our separation, despite looking like a desperate man mostly when I saw him. He was good at mask wearing - appearing ok to business colleagues and friends, but not to me, you too can see the turmoil in your H.
As for NC for 3 days, snodderly is right.. thats nothing to a depressed MLCer. My bf once did not phone me for 4 MONTHS! He did email a bit during that time, he has since said he had no idea it was so long that we hadnt spoken and he cannot explain why he stopped contacting me when in fact he missed me terribly, still loved me and thought about me all the time.
Makes no sense! Depression doesnt though, nor some of these mid life meltdowns that some men go on.
We are now back together and like Yellowrose said, he is this loving, kind, attentive guy now.. who hates it if I am MIA for over an hour and starts thinking about ringing the hospitals to check I am ok! I pointed out, but you once didnt speak to me for 4 months and now you worry if I am missing unexplained for an HOUR !?
Hang in then.. if you know you are ok anyway, then be ok. I would rather be you (and me) than have the terrible depression and stuckedness that the MLC/WAS has, knowing that they are the cause of all this and having that guilt on top too. Which, from what my bf has told me, is tremendous and weighs heavily on them every single day.
He said to me, the 2 years that he was 'gone' was just.. he felt insular, aloof, like he needed space. To think my loving best friend and partner of 14 years total could rent a flat and not TELL ME the address even, beggars belief. It really is like they are possessed or kidnapped, but they DO come through it. I was lucky in my bf came back and although still depressed, 2 1/2 years on our R is restored.
Give him space, definety dont contact him until it gets into two weeks I would say and then maybe think about some light neutral non-pressurising contact with him. If and when he does call you, be FINE, cheerful, dont add any guilt or stress. Be accepting, be cool, make it ok for him that he disappeared for 3+ days. If you have it in you to keep on keeping on that is. You know the drill right, after 3 years !! Good luck, sorry for being verbose! Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You need to do what is good for you. I was just telling you what happened in my sitch. What I see your H doing right now is normal for a MLCer, if any of this is normal!
I flip flopped back and forth at the end also. I wanted my life back and I wanted my H in it. I also saw that I had grown so much through this I didn't know if I wanted him back or not. I didn't know if I could move past all of the hurtful and mean things I had to put up with. I wanted to throw in the towel so many times, but something just told me to hang on a little while longer. I saw the changes my H was going through each time I saw or talked to him, I knew I was on the right path. I didn't want him home until he was ready because I couldn't take him leaving again.
We are going on 6 days NC. This is by far the longest periods of NC we have had in a very long time and one of the longest periods of NC since this all started. I truly believed that my H didn't want to lose me, now I'm not sure he cares.
I seem to vacilate between wait-and-see to I'm done. I come here and get so much encouragement to keep on going but then I think how can I trust my H ever again?
I talked to a mutual friend of ours last night who told me he talked to my H the other day and asked if he was busy moving. My H's reply was that he isn't moving yet because we have issues. Ha! We do not have issues that are keeping us apart. He has the issues!
I understand that my H is depressed and for a long time I had faith that he would pull out of it. Now I can't help but wonder if he will.
Hi Ali-I appreciate your encouragement. I remember reading your posts from time to time. I am happy to hear your BF is back and you are both doing well. How did you keep the faith that your BF would return after everything?
Hello yr-Thank you for your insight. I have seen those little changes in my H especially in the last month or so...that is up until last week. Those little changes are what has kept me going for the last couple of years. Now all I see he is back to avoiding and running away. Yesterday I wanted to be done and today I'm not so sure...so I guess that just tells me I need to continue waiting. Grrr...I hate this!
