Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

1. You can't control anything but you. 2. If something bad is being done, it will come to light on its own. 3. Just concern yourself with Antlers and let the rest go.

1. True that! 2. I hope so. 3. Absolutely the best advice I've heard all day...thanks!

[antlers]

Just concern yourself with Antlers and let the rest go. - O'dog


Sound wisdom. Thanks.

[antlers]

Hey antlers..

Your name sounds soo.. prongy!

The former spouse and I promised the kids we wouldn't speak negatively of each other. Within an hour of uttering the oath, the former spouse was telling our daughter that the divorce was Mommy's fault, that she didn't clean the house, etc, etc,. I even heard him saying it out loud from another room. Once he was done talking to her I privately asked him about what he'd said. His reply, "Oh, I would never say anything negative about you."

We all have our own reality. Me.. I saw him as a huge liar, throwing crap over the dam while I tried keeping it plugged with my thumb. At the same time, I didn't feel it was appropriate to call him on it. His actions consistently spoke louder than his words.

Everyone told me, "The kids will know the truth, the kids will figure it out." And it's true. It's better to listen to your kids than tell them what to think. Actions.. whether they're loving, hateful, apathetic.. speak louder than words.

Children learn what their parents live. When in doubt, opt for the role model.. being the person you're meant to be.

*hugs*

Hi Gypsy.

I'm a hunter.

Yep. She gave me the speech about how wrong it would be to say derogatory things about each other to our kids. And she has done it consistently since she left! And it's picked up, a bunch, since she filed for divorce.

She's being successful with it, especially with the girls. I've called her on it, and she just lies to my face.

God I hope it's true. "Actions...whether they're loving, hateful, apathetic...speak louder than words". True that!

"Children learn what their parents live. When in doubt, opt for the role model... being the person you're meant to be." - Gypsy

I wholeheartedly believe that very thing.

[antlers]

Hey Antlers,

Just checking in on your thread. Looks like I will likely be over here soon as well.

On your issue with STBXW making negative comments to the kids, you are handling this well. Do not stoop to her level. Not once.

My parents D'd and pretty much had a terrible M as far back as I can remember. My mother had all of us kids convinced my dad was at fault. She repeatedly said bad things about him after the D. My dad never made a negative comment about her. Never.

Eventually, we figured out the truth. My mom had a lot of mental issues (still does) and made my dad's life (before and after the D) a living he!!. And, we all have a great relationship with our dad, but very few of us talk to my mother now.

Hang in there. Be the better person. It will all come out in the end. How do you want to be perceived at that point?

Hey GIMA.

Sorry to see you headed this way.

Thanks. I don't intend to.

Sounds like he had to eat a lotta crap.

I hope my kids will know the truth.

I intend to. It's a painful b!tch though! I want to be perceived as a man who did everything in his power to make amends, and preserve the family, and came out of an awful crisis a better father, partner, and man altogether. One who loves his kids unconditionally and with compassion, and loves himself the same way.

[antlers]

I just read this on another post, and it's so good that I wanted it here too...

LET IT GO!!

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: Let them walk.!!!

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is
saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing!!
LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!! The Battle is the Lord's!"

[antlers]

"When push comes to shove, stuff IS stuff. I struggled to learn that. And what is most important in life is often intangible, like the love of your children, being the best dad you can be, becoming the man you're meant to be, having your health. Most things that are taken for granted.

You're not alone." - Gypsy


This on another post, and it's so good that I wanted it here too. Thanks Gypsy.

[antlers]

Today I'm kinda strugglin' with the fact that things are what they are.

My 12 y/o son and 13 y/o daughter are so messed up right now...full of resentment and anger, and disrespect.

And their mother seems like a different person from the one I've known for all these years. Hard as stone. It's hard for me to get my brain around it.

My oldest daughter (wife's from a previous marriage that I've raised since she was 2 y/o) has seemingly decided to erase me from her life.

And oldest daughter and her mother are working big time on the little ones...to turn them further against me.

Next court date is in May. Things have definately gotten much worse since she filed for divorce on Oct. 1st.

Sometimes...a lot...I just don't know what to do or how to be. When you're goin' through hell, keep goin'! But damn...how far do you have to go before you get out of it?

The love of my children is something that I treasure, and I feel like I'm losing it. My oldest daughter is especially hurtful. We've communicated, gone out to eat, etc. since her mother left in Feb. of last year...but since her mother filed...oldest daughter has dropped me like a dirty shirt!

All of this is very painful. It's been going on for over a year now. And it's getting worse.

I'm trying. And I'm so ready to see light instead of darkness...and I'm so ready to feel something other than pain.

The love of my kids is the most important thing to me now, and so is being the best dad I can be, and becoming the man I was meant to be.

Sorry for the gloomy post, but some days are better than others...and right now I'm havin' a hard time.

[mnt_dreams]

Hi Antlers - just checking in on you.

I'm sorry your kids are having a rough time, and it seems they are taking it out on you right now. It's hard not to take it personally, but I think this is about the situation, not you, and they are just lashing out. I agree with Gypsy's post on the last page... actions speak louder than words.

Stay true to yourself and your beliefs, and show the kids you love them - not with things but with your attention, your time, and maybe even some space right now.

[Bridgestone]

Today I'm kinda strugglin' with the fact that things are what they are.

My 12 y/o son and 13 y/o daughter are so messed up right now...full of resentment and anger, and disrespect.

Are you sure it's about you? They are at 'that' age as well. It could be about her having a bad hair day, the girl that snubbed him at lunch... reframe, refocus, regroup.

They need support in dealing with the brutal facts of their reality.. can you do more for "THAT" than you are doing?

If no, then tell yourself you are doing the best you can... we can't protect our kids from pain, hurt, suffering.

We can lessen it.. if you've done all you can to lessen it, then you as much as you might want to .. I don't think you can 'fix it'.

It's OK to hurt, antlers. What you chose to do with that hurt can be productive for you emotionally or not.

Are you still in IC?

And their mother seems like a different person from the one I've known for all these years. Hard as stone.

she's detached because of breaking the bond the two of you had. It's almost impossible for their to be closeness without a bond.

My oldest daughter (wife's from a previous marriage that I've raised since she was 2 y/o) has seemingly decided to erase me from her life.

very few things in life are permanent.. parental erasure included

And oldest daughter and her mother are working big time on the little ones...to turn them further against me.

is this rational thinking? Do you have evidence for this? Or is this a fear?

Things have definately gotten much worse since she filed for divorce on Oct. 1st.

there is a reason there is a v. between the names on the divorce decree

When you're goin' through hell, keep goin'! But damn...how far do you have to go before you get out of it?

it is what it is.. fighting it doesn't get you out any quicker.

I'm trying. And I'm so ready to see light instead of darkness...and I'm so ready to feel something other than pain.

only you can make that choice of what you are feeling..& what you are seeing.

Sorry for the gloomy post, but some days are better than others...and right now I'm havin' a hard time.

yep we all have them... what are you doing for GAL besides your solitary biking? Are you seeking others out for a some positive interactions & affirmation? Attending social events? Trying new adventures?

Peace
Bridge

[orangedog]

Sorry to hear it's bad on every front. Just do your part to not throw any more gasoline on this fire.

You and I need to go for a bike ride.