Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Cutter, here's the thing: I live here with S now. SO I do everything now (which is fine). WH is still taking out the garbage or does yard work. That's it. So when he starts to do the small stuff like I mentioned, I think those are acts of service.

I also think he wants to do the garbage and yard work because it makes him feel good to help me. So I don't know if I should take it away from him. Could I be right?

[chatterbug]

Can you think of anything that you could take over that he is doing ? Then drop it. Wait. Pick it up again. Wait. Drop it wait longer.

Don't want to hijack this thread newmama. But my W is a giver.

I want to know how you intend to do this while in NC cutter, or is this just for newmama?

P my wife is a taker.

I attacked this with some assumptions and logic.
0. She is very independent and enjoys her free time. ( I did the house work and cooked )
1. Her OM is a SVP. His wife stated she sacrificed her career for his. This sounds like a taker.
2. My wife became a cake eating queen. She got 100% giving from me and she got the fantasy side of the affair.
3. I exposed very quickly to her family and let the truth do the work.
4. I waited until she got to the point where she felt she could do anything. Life was perfect. She was in control of everything. Could do anything.
5. I dropped the rope. Kicked her out. 100% giving went to zero. In one day.

Now. Fantasy ends. She is in reality.
She no longer controlls her life. He is married with kids. He is her boss. He is used to having someone take care of the house. She thinks she has skipped 3 or 4 steps in life and is now living the high life. She is not getting a 100% giver. So she is going to compensate by spending money and going at life like she is a queen bee.
Now some additional assumptions and logic.
1. Whats that I cannot stay in this fancy rental house when your kids come over.
2. For this to become legit at work you want me to quit my job and get another or stay at home.
3. I want a baby Mr. 47 year old SVP. A baby.
4. I go from being the price to the pauper on weekends. Gotta leave the mansion for the shack. Back to the same bed I was in 14 years ago when I met cutter. But now its a computer room.
5. Some one has to become the giver in this new relationship. I got no Plan B. Cutter is gone. He acts like I do not exist.
6. But I enjoyed free reign. I could go out with my friends when ever. Play sports when ever. Work late hours and when I got home I knew there was a dinner waiting for me at the table. A smile and a chance to unwind. Decompress. Now. I have to cook or get him to cook. We talk about work after work. Its 100% work work work. And when its not work. Am I doing a good job? He could go back to his family. She said she would work on the marriage. He is still in contact with her. I am not in contact with cutter at all.
7. What is he doing when I am away 3 days a week. This is all cutters fault. My family does not like adultery. Nor do many of my friends. ( I would assume the other side is like this as well ) Cutter is playing the victim here. Do they not realize its all his fault I am unhappy. I am going to tell this to OM and talk about how horrible cutter is ignoring me. I know I could contact the IM as he said. But damn that. Is he there. How he talks to my family. Its my family not his.
8. I think I am losing control of my life. I must smother OP or I am going to lose everything. The chase is on.



Anyways

Thats my guess. And how I attacked a Taker. Make them the giver.
Let them destroy the affair from within. While I put pressure on the outside.

Its a long game. One hopes I notice the cracks.

Spite = cracks. ( If things are good she has no reason to hate. )

[newmama]

OHHH....I get what you mean now!

So I can attack WH by giving back to him so much that OW cannot possibly compete other than with sex.
Give: wifely duties, nice and calm and steady demeanor, getting more attractive every week with weight loss, learning new things, interesting topics of conversation, appreciative, and soon to be a wii owner!

her: moody! nags at him to D! uses sex to keep his attention! doesn't do self improvement because she doesn't have to change who shge is!immature! they have work in common, play video games, and knock boots.

[chatterbug]

Bingo. But Newmama. You gotta do these things for yourself. The rest occurs natually. And if H does not notice this. Then someone else will. If you ever decide to go down that path.

Take away his acts of service. U need to learn to do these things if your become fully seperate anyways.

Plan A. I think your beginning to truly understand this. And if you ever drop the rope....

[newmama]

All that WH does now is take out the trash (well, except for the &^% dumpster he is "living with"--oh was that too mean?)and yard work.

I can totally learn how to take out the trash! As for the yard work, yeah, I have never been good at that. Guess it would be good to learn. I don't want a house if I end up D; too much to take care of by myself. An apartment would be just fine and if I ever met someone special, I would look into a house then.

[newmama]

2010--new possibilities! I look at the new year like this: 2009 was almost rock bottom (except for the birth of my son) so what goes down must come up.

I ended up going down to my friend's house but I was right...it was hard on S. He woke up countless times between 8-6 a.m. The party wasn't that fun. It WAS good to see my friends though.
It was WEIRD to be at the same place that last year was where I learned of the A. Still, I felt a lot better this year than last year. It's like if last year was 0, this year was 6. So, it is better.

Luckily only one of my couple friends made out when the bell dropped. There was another single mom there with 2 kids; one was 4 months old! She was seeking a divorce because her controlling H regularly volunteered deployment duty and neglected the family. She said she doesn't love him anymore. They lived in Hawaii; he doesn't sound too interested in sticking around to be the kids' dad.

So I was luckily so busy taking care of S that I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. And I don't think I thought about what WH was doing at all until the next day!

Then instead of going home yesterday, S and I stayed at my friend's house for one more night. He was in a surprising good mood and was happy all day yesterday, playing with my friend's kids (or they played with him) and I got to play Super Mario Brothers on the Wii...very fun! Also played Mario Party, too!

IN FACT, my friend's H hopped onto craiglist and found a used a wii with accessories and games for a great deal! SO I ended up getting it. Man, WH would never purchase something the same day he saw it, so it did feel a little "free" but also scary to make the decision to buy it. And it's used! But my friend's H immediately plugged it in and tested it out. It was fine! Today I will pick up Super Mario Brothers and then start practicing.
Over the next month I'll acquire wii fit plus and the step bench but I do have the elliptical for now....

As I keep doing searches on the internet for good deals on some accessories it makes me think of WH and miss his involvement, friendship, help...he is the first person I used to tell everything to, the first person I asked for advice and the ONLY person I USED to trust! Now who do I trust? Just myself I guess.

It came with 2 numchucks, a steering wheel, and a charging station but only one controller. So I need a memory card and another controller eventually. When I pick up the game today, I will get a memory card.

Ideally, I can practice playing this game and hide the wii from WH until I get pretty good at it. Or maybe until I get the wii
fit plus? Don't know. But I DO KNOW that I am excited to start playing the game! It truly is not something that I am doing just to show WH I can change, but that was the original motivating factor. Now I just want to get good at it and add it to my list of NEW hobbies!

The wii came with 10 other games, too, so I do have some others to play besides Super Mario!

All in all, my New Year's Eve was definitely NOT sad, but it wasn't amazing or anything. I have gotten through another holiday! Wow, my patience is pretty good I must say.

Oh and WH must have learned from the Christmas text to not bother to wish me Happy New Year! I was so relieved that he just said to let him know when we got home and to have a good night! Relieved because I didn't want to deal with having to avoid wishing him a Happy D Day/ New Year (surely he remembers what happened this time last year!) He did help me get packed up on New Year's Eve before I hit the road to go to my friend's house. I can't remember much of what happened on NYE with him at the house, other than I was busy a lot and he found MORE little things to take care of (There is no way I could possibly prevent him from doing the little things!!!)

[ravenly1974]

Hey newmama, just checkin in on ya! Hope you had a great holiday!

[chatterbug]

Hugs newmama. You made it through that tough day. I said a thank you to you at midnight. Just incase your ears were burning some time that night. What day was your baby born on ?

I think your H does those little things to off-set guilt. Can still be the provider in some messed up kind of way.

How long do you plan on keeping this life going ? Can you keep the resentment at bay? I know your a strong woman newmama. I am wondering, just because of what you said a few days ago about dropping the rope. Are you still considering this , and what exactly brought you to those thoughts then? Was it because a year was coming up?

Keep on growing. Stay strong.

[Day by Day]

As I keep doing searches on the internet for good deals on some accessories it makes me think of WH and miss his involvement, friendship, help...he is the first person I used to tell everything to, the first person I asked for advice and the ONLY person I USED to trust! Now who do I trust? Just myself I guess.

This has been hard for me. Yep, just trust yourself.

You sound so great. Happy for you. You sound very strong and determined. You go girl!!

[newmama]

Cutter,
Thank you for thinking of me at midnight! Maybe that is what I felt around 9 p.m.? (PST):-) Truthfully, I thought of you, P, DBD and bestrong as well, wondering how we all will be doing when we ring in 2011! Maybe that is why I didn't get too sad?

About dropping the rope--I guess like everyone else here, I have ups and downs. I knew that I needed to change something but couldn't decide what. So I think that my goals of being more mysterious and pulling back by being busy/distant are good ones for right now. I think that some contact is good so that he can see my changes. Let's face it, all of us want our spouses back or we wouldn't be on this forum. I have never said I wasn't trying to pull him back! :-)

About "keeping this up," I decided that until I see a deadline, who cares? Seriously what is the rush? I have a 6 month old baby boy and am staying home from work until August.

If I went "no contact" here is what would happen:

WH would take S to OW 6 days per week, since that is how often WH sees S during his first year of life.

Both of us would be given a serious dose of divorced parent lifestyle.

So I do not see how my life will be better? And I would only want NC to bring him back quicker but in my sitch I just don't think it would work.

Might as well work on GAL and keep up the self improvements so they become ingrained habits. (need to work on yard work this spring--new self improvement area!)
Yes, I want him back. But if he doesn't come back, I have no regrets!

Oh and my baby boy was born July 6.