I just want to echo the similar experience that Gypsy related. My brother also was not very supportive of my attempts and hopes to reconcile my marriage. He tried to equate my wife with his ex-wife and it just was not the same. In that matter, I defended my wife and it created some animosity. It is as Michelle talks about in the first part of DR - friends and family just want to see your suffering not last and sometimes want you to take the shortcut. They dont know the inner workings of the marriage as Saffie states.
I've considered that too. My brother might very well be also going outside of the M, as our father turned out to be an unrepentant philanderer. If that's the case then perhaps he's trying to spare our mother seeing him take a similar route. I don't really know.
But I somehow doubt it. Something tells me that if he had in any way been unfaithful prior to the separation, my SIL would not have pulled any punches in letting us know about it -- she certainly played every other card at her disposal.
At worst, I am certain that my brother is "looking", and even anticipating the day he is actually D'ed now. Part of the reason I think he's greasing the skids for his D is because his W hasn't allowed any sex with her for going on three years now. He's been as loving and as patient as a saint with her, but I think he's long reached the end of his rope. I am certain of that.
During Thanksgiving week he and his kids visited with my mom and our younger brother, B. One evening, he went out with B to a bar in a restaurant, taking his teenage daughter along. He was openly looking at the females, entertaining picking one of them up. In the end, he didn't, but my brother B was disgusted with him for such behavior right in front of his D17. (FYI, B himself is far, far from being prudish. Quite the opposite. But as a child of D who took the brunt of it in our own parents' split, B knows firsthand the pain these parents can cause a child.)
I just don't think they really understand what message he and his W are delivering to D17 and her siblings.
S5 asked to come home with me Monday night (his mother has custody this week.) He said it when I called to wish he and his brother a good night. I kind of dodged the request (even though part of me was already wanting to drive down there to get him) because I don't think little children should be able to dictate the parenting schedule -- it could easily get out of control.
But yesterday morning, xW left me a voicemail saying S5 still wanted to spend the night at my place, and that it would be okay with her if I wanted to stop by later after work to see if he still felt that way. He's been a little mopey for the last couple of days, sniffling with a stuffy nose, like he's about to come down with a cold.
I am all too ready to spend time with my two S's -- I hate how fast they're growing up and I don't want to miss a thing with them. But I also know that it can't be too fun for xW for one of them to ask to go to me during her week, as I know how it feels.
I went by the MIL's place, which is where all of them could be found, after work. I was at least going to check on my S's and give them hugs, if nothing else. S5 saw me and was immediately ready to go. xW said it would be okay as long as I agree to allow S5 to come stay with her one night during my week.
I agreed, although I don't like the precedent this might set. I am thinking that xW figures this is more to her advantage, assuming S5 will be more willing to stay with her during my week than the opposite scenario. She also knows this tends to make S9 want to "jump ship" as well, also in her favor.
While I agreed to try this out as an experiment, I also expressed my reservations about letting them have full say in who will have custody over them on a given night, and that the children should be made to understand that the agreement of their parents takes precedent over their wishes. I said that it would be better for them, as small children, to understand and respect that this is the arrangement their parents have made for their own sake. I looked at xW and asked her whether she agreed or not.
xW said no, and before she could say anything further, her mother, the evil MIL, chimed in saying it's perfectly fine for these two boys (ages 9 and 5, mind you) to be able to have a say in who they want to spend time with.
That rubbed me the wrong way -- but I managed to repress my instinct to respond to MIL in her interruption. I wanted to tell her to shut up and mind her own business -- she is not one of the parents here, despite what she might think, and she is thus way out of line.
Instead I ignored her and focused on xW who was now parroting her mother and agreeing with her.
What this tells me is that they have now cooked up this idea that they can seek some form of advantage by allowing S9 and S5 dictate the actual parenting schedule. Folks, that ain't gonna' happen. I won't let it. All that would do is open the floodgates to both xW and her conniving mother trying to coerce these two small boys at every opportunity to jettison the parenting schedule. I love my S's and want them to learn responsibility for themselves, but they're too young right now, and abdicating my own responsibilities in raising them is no way to begin to teach them their own.
So while I have agreed to a trade of nights as a one-time, maybe occasional thing, so that each of our sons can get some one-on-one time with each parent, I have no intention of letting this become a regular habit.
I took S5 home and we had a good evening with each other. He chose to have pizza for dinner and we watched one of his half-hour shows, then we read a Batman book he had chosen from the public library for his bedtime story (he loves Batman, what can I say?)
He really seemed to enjoy the one-on-one time, and I certainly did too. I am thankful for the both of my S's, and cherish what time I have with them. Last night was an unexpected pleasure.
I totally agree to your sticking to a pretty consistent schedule and not letting the kids dictate.
Sometimes though, it is good to have one on one time and that is usually not specified in a parenting plan. It is great if parents can cooperate and do that. Because that is how it works when one is married - they dont always do everything with all their children. Plus there are conflicting schedules (ie birthday parties) and you have to be flexible to work as a team.
I've been quite busy and just took a lunch break to lurk my way around the threads, see how everyone's doing. I have my S's this week and we're in the big Pine Wood Derby mode -- scrambling to get our entries ready before the last week of this month. xW is being her usual self, which I am trying to not pay any attention to. And I am struggling to re-budget my finances and to get my financial house back in order (that's going to be a very long difficult path, BTW. <sigh>)
I've got a dinner party I and the boys have been invited to for tomorrow evening. And Saturday is my bible study group meeting -- we're starting Max Lucado's book on the gospel of Matthew -- combined with a pizza party.
So all-in-all I have a full schedule and no money to do anything else anyway. LOL.
I spoke with my brother on Saturday. He thinks I was mad at him for hanging up on our previous call. I wasn't and I apologized to him for him thinking so -- and for busting his chops so fervently on how he's letting his family disintegrate. In this conversation we each got a bit off our chests while stressing we wouldn't be so passionate about our positions if we didn't love each other and our families. I let him know I want him to at least seek some form of legal advice, but he is adamant he doesn't want to get into a legal battle with his WAW. I responded that there's a lot of middle ground between those two points -- seeking a free first consultation is a long ways off from a huge court battle that he is fearing should he try to lend any focus to his own standing.
It was a long conversation touching on several points. It included me asking him pointed questions to detail why he asserts he is solely to blame for his M's failure. It is none of the justifiable causes for ending one's M that I listed for him -- mostly he feels his W deserves "happiness" that he believes he cannot give her. (Whatever.)
I will continue to dialog with him and get him to open up more and more about just where he's currently at, and to offer some points for him to ponder and tidbits of wisdom for him to chew on.
First, I do not have the custody issues you have. But prudent flexibility in regards to time together is a good thing.
I think it's great you two worked out a way for your son to be with you. It comes down to shared flexibility. Having time alone with your son also meant she had time alone with your other son. It was a win/win. And kids having alone time with a parent is very good.
Automatically having to give up a your or her time with your child the following week goes against the give and take of being parents. If there's an exception to the custody schedule, it doesn't mean losing time the following week.
Flexibility allows for those tweaks in life. If one isn't willing to be flexible, then the official custody schedule goes into place.
Things come up. Kids have have all the say they want, but they don't make the final decision. That's the job of the parents.
Flexibility breeds flexibility. Kids are not possessions.
Im glad to hear you are a good"busy" .. keeps the mind going.
Also, im happy to hear you cleared the air with your brother, im sure he will come around, sometimes its like your in a state of shock when this stuff happens and you can't think rationally.
Take care and have fun with the boys!!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
