I'll ask the question... - did you guys break down and have sex at one point because it was your "last vacation" together and who knows what was going to happen.
Been there, done that, mind you in my situation we kept having sex for several months after that, I'll admit it, the sex is good, even after kicking her out and her having to move in with her parents, she still came back for the sex regularly, we would still be doing "it" if I hadn't put a stop to it at the end of oct/beginning of november (I forget specific dates)
I'll ask the question... - did you guys break down and have sex at one point because it was your "last vacation" together and who knows what was going to happen.
Been there, done that, mind you in my situation we kept having sex for several months after that, I'll admit it, the sex is good, even after kicking her out and her having to move in with her parents, she still came back for the sex regularly, we would still be doing "it" if I hadn't put a stop to it at the end of oct/beginning of november (I forget specific dates)
Nope. Nothing beyond a couple of kisses.
As per my request, my son and I stayed in one room while WAW and my daughter stayed in another. That pretty much removed any risk.
Good update BTM! I'm not surprised she was emotional at first, but you handled it well.
Any interesting conversations or R talk?
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Good update BTM! I'm not surprised she was emotional at first, but you handled it well.
Any interesting conversations or R talk?
She was crying because I was basically ignoring her. But then I decided I had to be more friendly for the week to go well and it worked.
I did everything I could to not talk about R. It came up a few times, but I ever let it go anywhere. WAW made several comments about 'still being married" and "this isn't final" - that kind of thing. I basically ignored them and gave no response.
I am a little confused and grant it I have only read the last few posts. I was on this site DBing my husband as he is the one that kept saying marriage wasn't for him and that he doesn't feel married, was in EA with another women. I finally left due to all of this and I couldn't take his lack of affection (yes we ML almost everyday but I am talking about hugs, kisses, little things), his coming and going when he felt like it, and his lack of commitment to the marriage. So I guess I am now a WAW. It seems as you (BeTheMan) ignoring your wife's response when she says "this is not final" is not what will bring her back which I am assuming is what you want. If my husband continues to not contact me, GAL, etc. I will assume that he really doesn't want the marriage since he is not pursuing me. Does this make sense?
What is the end goal? It seems like one person has to be willing to wave the flag to get on the road to reconciliation. What if both people are DBing...
Last edited by 4luv; 12/31/0905:17 PM.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I am a little confused and grant it I have only read the last few posts. I was on this site DBing my husband as he is the one that kept saying marriage wasn't for him and that he doesn't feel married, was in EA with another women. I finally left due to all of this and I couldn't take his lack of affection (yes we ML almost everyday but I am talking about hugs, kisses, little things), his coming and going when he felt like it, and his lack of commitment to the marriage. So I guess I am now a WAW. It seems as you (BeTheMan) ignoring your wife's response when she says "this is not final" is not what will bring her back which I am assuming is what you want. If my husband continues to not contact me, GAL, etc. I will assume that he really doesn't want the marriage since he is not pursuing me. Does this make sense?
What is the end goal? It seems like one person has to be willing to wave the flag to get on the road to reconciliation. What if both people are DBing...
BTM's wife has moved out and gotten herself an apartment. She wouldn't need an apartment to live by herself if she was starting a new career, getting a new education, etc. She wouldn't need an apartment to live by herself if she wanted to work on the marriage. She would need an apartment to pursue a "single" life.
I even remember reading that BTM wrote that she went out with a male friend just as friends to a movie or to a restaurant or something like that. Seriously this can not be construed as "working on the marriage".
Does BTM want to fix his marriage and reconcile? Probably, but he won't fix his marriage by pursuing her and telling her that he wants her to come back. He'll get there by detaching, not starting relationship talking, limiting relationship talk and moving on with his life. If it was easy enough for her to move out and leave her family to pursue a bachelor's pad, she currently doesn't associate a whole lot of value with BTM and he's working on proving to himself (not her) that not only is he high value, that when the BTM train leaves the station, it will be her loss, not his. He's been pursuing her for so long trying to get her to change her mind about the marriage and the commitment to each other and that process didn't work.
Moving in the other direction works, detaching works, dropping the rope work, GAL'ing works, acting as if everything is awesome and moving on with your life works, pursuing DOESN'T WORK. He's doing ok. In fact, if I had to venture a guess, I'm sure his wife offered those kisses to him, I'm sure he didn't go up to her and pursue her for a kiss. She did this because he stopped pursuing and she naturally filled the void of space in between them.
See your point robx. I haven't read BTM entire stitch so I probably should have held back on my posts and in no way was I trying to imply that BTM wasn't doing a great job in DBing. I guess I was just confused looking at things from a female perspective who is now considered a WAW that my husband is also not pursuing, GAL, etc. I want my husband to pursue me even though I am the one that left. I moved out and will move forward with getting an apartment if my husband continues to act like life is grand and detached from me. I will read BTM entire stitch before posting but sometimes I am confused as a now WAW in that if my husband was up here following DB advice by not pursuing, GAL, etc. I would just assume that he wasn't interested in me or our marriage.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
See your point robx. I haven't read BTM entire stitch so I probably should have held back on my posts and in no way was I trying to imply that BTM wasn't doing a great job in DBing. I guess I was just confused looking at things from a female perspective who is now considered a WAW that my husband is also not pursuing, GAL, etc. I want my husband to pursue me even though I am the one that left. I moved out and will move forward with getting an apartment if my husband continues to act like life is grand and detached from me. I will read BTM entire stitch before posting but sometimes I am confused as a now WAW in that if my husband was up here following DB advice by not pursuing, GAL, etc. I would just assume that he wasn't interested in me or our marriage.
You said you would assume that your husband isn't interested in you but you also mention above that YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO PURSUE.... hmmmm..... if I didn't know better, I would think his tactics might be working. Do you see how it works, he doesn't do anything, ACT AS IF (db principle) life is great, and detaches from you, and what effect does it have on you? You want him to pursue you, YOU STILL WANT HIM.
I would say what your husband is doing appears to be working on you.
And if i'm not mistaken, what BTM is doing is starting to show on his wife as well, he didn't prompt her to say anything about the relationship, she volunteered that herself plus she offered him a few kisses as well voluntarily and why? ..... because he detached, stopped pursuing and she naturally closed the distance between them.
In the end, a good rule of thumb to follow is this, if a person doesn't want to be with you by their own choice, let go of those people.
I guess I was just confused looking at things from a female perspective who is now considered a WAW that my husband is also not pursuing, GAL, etc.
UM, yup... you sure are confused girl! Newsflash for you... you're the LBS that was left the marital home. REPEAT: You are NOT the WAW here. Get that into your head.
Your H is a having an affair. As long as those "love chemicals" are in his bloodstream you can forget about him looking in your direction. Do whatever is in your power to bust that affair.
EDIT: Likewise with that change in mindset, whatever Rob has said does not really apply to you.
