AT SOME POINT, YOU HAVE TO RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SIMPLY LET GO OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T VALUE OR RESPECT YOU!
We all have to do this!
This is going on a poster for my wall!
Me too!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
You gotta start caring about YOU too! Let it go, friend.
I got this from somewhere a couple years ago - I"m pretty sure it was by TD Jakes. I read it regularly:
LET IT GO!!
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: Let them walk.!!!
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in him......LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! The Battle is the Lord's!"
How are you today? I know it's New Year's Eve but if you can at least let us know how YOU are feeling that would be great!
I know deep down you know this - your W's "friend" is not just a friend. I am sure the call you made to her was difficult but I am glad you made it. While I don't have children I think when two co-parents are trying to raise kids it's important that BOTH parents remain on the same page when it comes to things like this.
Anger has its place in this process and once the initial waves of anger calm down it can be a great motivator to get you to the next phase.
I know for a very long time you feel many of us have been very hard on you. Our stance was really to perhaps show you that you DO deserve respect and if you don't start setting some boundaries you will never get it. You have lots of people here to support you because we ALL know once we really "get" what has to be done (be it setting boundaries, dropping the rope, the legal process or whatever action applies) support is essential as none of it is easy.
I understand you were very angry last night but your W didn't win. I think you know that though. I am not sure if I ever shared this on the board but it seems fitting. When my H and I went to court I was sitting on a bench in the main hall while my attny was in chambers. There are several courtrooms/chambers in the family court building. All of a sudden I saw a man, woman and three tiny children emerge from one of the rooms. The woman was crying and holding one of the children. The man, also holding a child, was yelling saying "F*ck you, I WON" to his W and the third child who could not have been more than 5 was walking alone with a look on his face I will never forget.
What I presume to be a social worker came and two of the kids starting screaming they wanted to go with mommy, they wanted to stay with daddy but the other kid just stood there with such a dazed and puzzled look on his face. He looked so confused and frightened I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him.
So, no, nobody wins in this type of situation. I can bet those three kids will never forget that day for the rest of their lives and I never had the urge to punch a stranger in the face until that day. What exactly did that man win? Maybe a few bucks, a house, a car? I won't ever know what he "won" but I am pretty sure those three precious children will have that day etched in their brain forever.
Instead of focusing on what you "lost" please try and focus on what you are in the process of and *will* obtain... self sufficiency, self respect, improved communication, being a great father, a deepened sense of spirituality/faith and the tools to create a great life for yourself no matter what.
Splitting the accounts was never about you pissing your W off or not. It was about you taking a stance that you will not assist her in anyway financially to continue having relations with OM(s) if she is married to you. She didn't worry if you were pissed off about what she was doing. No, splitting the accounts is simply an "action". What really counts is what the action represents. And I think you know the deeper meaning is all about boundaries and self respect.
Check in if you can and I hope you have a Happy New Year!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
What an excellent post, Welding, the entire thing.
Kevin... You need to detach and firmly. Tell her that this is not acceptable and you won't stand for it. Then go really dark. Like a black night, dark.
I am more calmed down this morning. But at the same time I am now trying to plan what to do next and it has nothing to do with reconciling. I have written that off at this point.
I understand the 48 hour rule. However, I don't have 48 hours to make a decision on placing a boundary when it comes to my W exposing my kids to OM later on this afternoon.
At this point, this is strictly about my kids and no longer about W.
She obviously didn't care last night about what she is doing. And yes, I know that this no "friendship". She is slowly and methodically trying to work him into their lives. That is how she operates. She also has a proven track record of lying and A's. She also knows that if she admits he is OM, I can use that in court against her and go after full custody. It blows me away to think she is stupid enough to lie and think she won't be found out or think I will let it slide. Maybe it is because in the past I have let to much slide. That is changing from this point on.
So my question is... do I go ahead and inform her that if she exposes our kids to OM today that I will be filing for D as well as an immediate restraining order against him? Or do I wait and let her hang herself and use it in court to go after full custody of my kids and stick her with supervised visits? She obviously has no regard for their well being by doing this to them and I know the C would back me up on this 100%. Or do I give her this one exposure and then file the restraining order and then go after full custody in court?
Yesterday, 9 phone calls between him and her ranging from 7:20 am til after midnight. Tuesday, 5 phone calls Monday, 7 phone calls It goes on and on and this doesn't include the text messages.
Oh this is interesting. Christmas eve she was on the phone with him for 48 minutes until she got to my place at 2:45 am. Then right after leaving at 3:40 am she immediately gets on the phone with him again for another 47 minutes.
Point is, as much as she talks to him and as much work as she put into the house yesterday before his arrival as I have not seen the house look that spotless and done and with maids in a very long time. This is no "friend". She has apparently been talking to the kids about him. With him staying there and her other lady friends are going to dinner with them one night and now SIL is possibly going bowling with them all today. Again, here I am left out of knowledge only to discover it myself.
I call BS. That is fine. She can do what she wants with her life. But when it involves my kids, then you involve me.
She has to really think I am an idiot.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
This is going to get nasty from here on out. I might as well get ready for the ride.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
