Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

going shopping for a wii....in case you are curious, WH and I split our savings and checking when we separated, opened individual accounts with the same bank, but we kept the joint account. We wrote out an agreement for the bills, and then I took a year off from work, he is paying my expenses (and son).
I took my sick leave and used most of it as a paycheck for a couple of months or so. I was able to put the money into my savings since WH is paying for my expenses (he agreed--guilt!)
So I spent a little here and there but still have more than when we split. Therefore, I can afford a Wii!
We are both government employees...I teach and he works for the federal government.

[newmama]

ok today's update:he texted me this morning, checking on S as usual (is this really necessary every day? I mean let's just assume S was fine and I'll let him know if there's a problem! but I am humoring him) I replied short and to the point. He sends back 2 text messages; one is a q. I answer. He sends back a longish reply and tells us to have a good day. I reply "thanks, you too!"

my aunt and cousins come over and take S and I out to lunch. We have a nice time but it starts to snow...unexpectedly and heavily. WH calls and says traffic is the worst he has ever seen...the freeways are terrible...I can tell he is hinting (like he does)that he doesn't think he should come over. I just ask him if he's not coming over. He says he will miss S but it would probably be better if he didn't risk it. I was talking to a friend on the other line so I just said "ok, drive careful, and I'll give S a kiss for you-see you in the morning!"

I go back to talking to mt friend and 20 minutes later he calls again! I don't click over this time. When I finish my call, I call him back.

He was feeling guilty I think because he tells me they closed one of the freeways he normally would take to get over here, and describes the dumb drivers around. He asks me how our day was. I chat with him about that and a few other topics.

We end up talking for about 10 minutes.(a long time for us to talk on the phone, LOL! I hate talking to him on the phone because he is a slow talker with pauses and I am a fast talker. Silence on the phone bugs me way more than silence in person!)

So I am noting the extra texts and conversation on his end.

[P17]

Newmama,

Can I offer an alternative explanation on this. I think I have some insight, as I have done exactly this before. However I may be wrong (and I really do hope I am). But it's food for thought if nothing else.

Your H feels guilty. That is why, I believe the texts and the long phone call. Easing his guilt and convincing you of his reason.

You might be tired. Fancy watching the TV. Going out. Playing a computer game or just time to yourself. You see the weather and think you have your excuse so you call your childs mum / dad and say 'hey the weather is bad, don't think I should come to see little Bobbi as it's a bit dangerous' then you wait for the fallout. When there is none (which in your case there wasn't), you feel relief but you also feel a little guilty that you've had such a nice reaction to your lie excuse that you text and call the other parent to be nice to them back and also continue to convince them, AND YOU, of your excuse. See your not a bad person, you're chatting away to the other parent. You're a good person really.

I have done it. I think we all probably have. Not going to say it was my best moment but if it helps you some good came out of it.

I hope I am wrong, but it's just another viewpoint.

I have a lot of time for you and your H as I think he is confused but you got to keep remembering, he, and OW, are having an affair with all the lies, deceit and manipulation that entails.

[chatterbug]

Here's another q...Cutter might have good insight but anyone please answer as well...should I involve him in the purchasing part of the wii? I mean let him know I am going to get one and ask for suggestions on good places to look?

IMO just get the WII and don't include him in any of it. It's for you not for him. Get the games you want to get for YOU and try and get him to play them (once you get good enough to challenge him).

ditto

[chatterbug]

Did you check up to see if the hiways matched his excuse. Or just left it at that?

So any ideas on attacking the GIVER???

I noticed that ladybug is starting to vamp up her assualt on me. She is going at her family for contacting me still. She is going to start coming around on Sat. Nights with a group of friends I hang out with. And she is going to come at me sitting pritty in the house.

Unfortantly Being a giver does not mean I am a doormatt. So I have learned to standup for myself.

Has your Husband learned to stand up for himself?

What would happen if you attacked his time with you two ?

[newmama]

Actually, I never doubted that he was telling the truth in this case because the gridlock was all over the news and yes, the highway was shut down. But it does sound like he called a second time b/c he was feeling guilty...right on, P!

Cutter, I think I misunderstood about "attacking the giver!" I was thinking you meant come up with ideas to get the Giver's (WH) attention.

Do you mean that ladybug is attacking you to get you to respond to her? I am catching up on threads so yours is next!

I did spend less time with him today. My new goal is to be more distant and mysterious. He came over about 7:30, stayed til 3:30.
From 8-9 I worked out (no time with WH)

9-9:30 cooked breakfast for myself (did not offer but thought about it...thought maybe because I have been cooking dinner that I should do a 180 and not cook him b-fast??? but he will be here again tomorrow so I can offer then? opinions please!)
I ate b-fast by myself in the kitchen

9:30-10:30 got ready (no time with WH)and looked good
10:30 told WH I was going out and would be back about 2 or so--I did not tell him what I was doing
11:00 attempted to watch a movie "It's Complicated" but the projector broke! So they gave us a rain check!
I went to a bookstore instead, and picked up a new cookbook. Then picked up food and beer for New Year's Eve party.
(I decided to go to my friend's place after all even though it might be a pain in the butt bringing my baby!)

1:45 arrived home.

When I arrived home, WH seemed happy to see me...

1:45-2:30 I put away groceries, cleaned up, then sat in living room looking up wii on the internet while WH was playing with S.

2:30-3:30 WH installed new car seat and synched my cell phone with the GPS so I can use it as speakerphone (I asked him to help me with this earlier)

So I managed to only hang out kinda with WH between 7:30-8 and 1:45-2:30...but was busy doing stuff with chit chat interspersed.

Good things: WH offered to let me drive his car in the slush because my car has tires that spin out when it is wet outside.
I didn't need to but he offered.

He also did small things like transferred laundry into the drier, loaded dishwasher, replaced toilet paper, and organized baby food (acts of service!)

Bad things: he didn't pick up starbucks-- for either of us!

and I didn't get to watch my movie!!!

[newmama]

Oh and I never bossed WH around or anything. He did used to wait too long before telling me if he had an issue with something. I never saw him as a pushover. But he did do so much that he forgot to leave room for me to do something.

I resented all the giving! I mean he could have toned it down a notch and he could have not been so perfect at it all..."perfect" is very intimidating.

I love taking care of S because S needs me and he "lets" me (LOL). So all you givers out there...if you leave some things for the takers (but tell them), you will turn the takers into givers ot ay least they would give more than before!

[chatterbug]

Oh and I never bossed WH around or anything. He did used to wait too long before telling me if he had an issue with something. I never saw him as a pushover. But he did do so much that he forgot to leave room for me to do something.

I resented all the giving! I mean he could have toned it down a notch and he could have not been so perfect at it all..."perfect" is very intimidating.

I love taking care of S because S needs me and he "lets" me (LOL). So all you givers out there...if you leave some things for the takers (but tell them), you will turn the takers into givers ot ay least they would give more than before!

Interesting.

I noticed though that us givers do test the taker. When we first reach out and say hey. This is becoming unbalanced. We drop something that is semi important. Could be vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom or watching some show with you. We wait to see if it gets picked up. And when it does not. We shell and pick up the slack. Then if we notice you drop something. Well we give. So we take it over. This becomes a race as well. And we just keep shelling and giving and we see no way out. We forgot the word NO. Then we get to the point where we give up.
I went into Depression. And stopping giving. Yours walked away.

So how do we attack a giver.

Attack his nature. Treat him as a dog. Positive reinforcement for doing what he is told to do. The trick is to not make him realize you told him to do the task.

Let him think he did something to see if you would notice.

Got to be very minute. Something where the reply back from you is just a smile and thankyou.

Can you think of anything that you could take over that he is doing ? Then drop it. Wait. Pick it up again. Wait. Drop it wait longer.

[P17]

Can you think of anything that you could take over that he is doing ? Then drop it. Wait. Pick it up again. Wait. Drop it wait longer.

Don't want to hijack this thread newmama. But my W is a giver.

I want to know how you intend to do this while in NC cutter, or is this just for newmama?

[newmama]

Thanks, Cutter! Notice I said "TELL" the taker you want help with something, don't just drop it (at first!) I mean I don't think you should have to always tell the taker. Just at first.
Example:
Giver: Honey, it seems like I am the one who does the dishes/ plans the outings/pays the bills/picks up gifts (etc.)
It would mean a lot to me if you could do ___more.

Taker:Well you always beat me to it! or I thought you LIKED doing those things so I just let you! or But you criticize me when I do it wrong!

Giver: I can back off a little. If you start to do it, then I will not criticize the way you do it.

Taker: Ok you got yourself a deal! Today I will do____

ANd then, Giver, you MUST praise Taker for doing those things--please do not crticize or re-do the task that the Taker did (if you are a controlling perfectionistic Giver). Please accept that there is more than one way to do something and if the Taker forgot to clean the sink, who cares. When you do it the next time, your example will stand out because the Taker will notice the way you do it versus how s/he does it. I don't know if that makes sense.

????What do you think?