K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[K4D]

That is a good point CG about what I told you with regard to your sitch. I wasn't trying to mind read either. I was trying to make sure I was getting what you were telling me. Perhaps I did misread on thinking you wanted me to D my W. I apologize for that and any other mind reading I did.

I really am just trying to make sure I am fully taking in what you are taking the time to tell me. You are the last to post to me. I am certainly appreciative. But I fill like if I don't ackowlege what I believe you to be saying, I am not showing you respect for taking them time to help me and I also feel like I am not making sure I am fully understanding and getting what you are telling me. I want to be sure I completely clear on what you are saying and I am completely understanding it and taking it in.

So I try to reiterate or explain to make sure I am not missing your points. And apparently, I am missing some of them, so I am glad that I tried to reiterate what I thought was being said so that I could be cleared up on it.

I think I see what you are saying about not caring whether or not I divorce. You are saying that I have got to focus on me and changing my life and making the D or whatever that sitch may turn into secondary so I can fully function and live my life to the best it should be lived to.

Am I correct on this? No mind reading. Just trying to clarify.

Kevin

[K4D]

Thanks robx,

Acheiving clarity is definitely a goal of mine this year.

Kevin

[K4D]

We have an ice storm I guess coming to DFW this afternoon. That may end up canceling my sushi plans tonight. Darn, I was hoping for some good sushi and the company would have been enjoyable as well.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

Dont be a pansy. Pick up and eat in. Carpe Diem!!! GAL!!!

It's not like you're talking about an icestorm like in the movie the day after tomorrow.

Life happens while you're making plans. Always remember that.

[K4D]

Dont be a pansy. Pick up and eat in. Carpe Diem!!! GAL!!!

It's not like you're talking about an icestorm like in the movie the day after tomorrow.

Life happens while you're making plans. Always remember that.

I don't know if my lady friend will want to get out with her kids if the roads become bad. I have no problem eating in. I have food at the apartment. I don't think I will invite myself over to her place for dinner if she has to cancel. I will just eat something at home and apply for more jobs tonight if it goes that way.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

That is exactly what I am saying. Either way you have to feel deep down in your bones that you will be okay and have an amazing life with or without your W. I don't want to see anybody get divorced but sadly, sometimes that is how things go. It's not that I don't care if you and your W get divorced but as I said, I feel that is a secondary issue. In reality you are divorced even though you don't have a legal document stating such. You live in separate homes, share custody of the children and she is with other men.

Do you think I got to this point overnight? I didn't but you know that as I have been very open about how I got to this point. Getting to a "new point" often requires us to make *very* hard and terrifying choices for our own well being. Taking control of our own lives for our own emotional and physical well being does not mean we are championing divorce. It means we understand that at points in our life we have to be our own leader even if it feels scary and different. Sometimes in life we have to step so far out of our comfort zone we yearn for some sort of map to provide us with *some* direction.

My parents were married for 30+ years and my father had lots of problems. My mom was in marriage counseling and IC alone for 20+ years and my father refused to go. He would go months without speaking a word to me, my sister or my mom because he "didn't feel like it". Eventually my mom got to a point where she was under so much stress that her heart was no longer working properly and unless she made some changes in her life she would not have a life to live as she would be dead. If she was dead my sister and I would have been left with what? A dad that refused to get help for his drinking, rage and depression issues? Exactly how much longer was my mom expected to "stand" for her marriage? Until her heart failed totally and she was dead in her mid 40's? What is the limit? FYI, my mom was a dedicated Catholic her entire life and didn't believe in divorce either.

My mom didn't bomb drop either and even stayed around another year to work on herself and see if my dad would ever join in. I remember the day my mom took my sister and I out for coffee to tell us her decision and how she sobbed and felt like she was ripping apart a family. My sister and I were rather vocal that the family we had was not functioning in a way that made us comfortable at all and we were actually relieved some end was in sight. Granted we were not small children at the time but my sister was a young teen and I was in my late teens. E (my sister = E) and I both knew from a very early age something was terribly wrong at home and my parents did not function as other married people did.

I have spent close to two years of my life conquering every fear and demon inside of me that prevented my growth. It has been hard as hell, exhausting and all consuming. It has also been the greatest challenge of my life, the most empowering time of my life and it is my second chance.

Do you think it was easy for me just a few months ago to call my attny and tell him that my H took off on vacation with his GF (and her brother paid for it) and he didn't even respect me enough to NOT lie about and it was time to turn everything over to the courts as I was done? It was one of the hardest calls I had to make. But I matter and if nobody else thinks so I know I do.

Do you think I harp on you just for kicks? I don't. I try and challenge you the way I was challenged so you know you aren't alone in being afraid but if you can just knock that fear in the face your life will get better. You don't have to knock it all down at once but if you can just pick one thing and really beat the crap out of it (metaphorically speaking of course) the rest of the stuff won't be so bad. It might not be great at first but "not great" is better than "terrible", right?

[K4D]

You don't have to knock it all down at once but if you can just pick one thing and really beat the crap out of it (metaphorically speaking of course) the rest of the stuff won't be so bad. It might not be great at first but "not great" is better than "terrible", right?

Right. I guess I felt like trying to change my career for the better was a first step I could take to being proactive in my own life. I am trying to beat the crap out of that one. lol.

I thought trying to figure out and get a business going with my friends was also another good step in doing for my own life which I still intend to at least pursue and take a shot at.

And at times I think about filing for D and being done and walking away. I find myself feeling like if I do, then I am acknowledging that I failed. I feel like I if I do then I let my kids down, my M down, God down, and W down in that I couldn't be strong and stand in the face of this forever. And I keep having this verse pop in my head from the bible that says "Husbands, do not D your wife". That always pops in my head when I start thinking about doing it. I also have some bit of fear, ok, maybe great fear of spending the rest of my life with out my W being there by my side. Which I know is what you are trying to help me get past so I can live my life fully and enjoy it without fear of whether or not she is there.

But ya, I have got to take a step of some sort and beat it until it is completed and then take the next step. I am going to talk to my C about that. One step at a time and really focusing on it until it is completed.

I know I will adjust no matter what happens, I have just been resistant to it for many reasons which are known.

I try to think of myself and what I can do to have fun without my W, and then she pops back in my head again and I mentally and emotionally backslide in my mind. But I do honestly try.

I think changing my career and working on a business idea is a good step to helping take some of the focus off of what if with W. But there is more that I still have to face on my own and conquer.

It sounds like your mom made every effort possible to make that M work and she finally just didn't have anymore to give without risking her own health. I can understand that.

You also made every effort with yours and just finally had enough and had to look at your health also. I understand that to.

You also both came to the realization that you have more to offer yourself and life has more to offer than being stuck in a situation that was greatly bringing down yalls health and life.

What you overcame with everything you went through truly amazes me.

CG, I don't think I asked you how your Christmas was and I apologize for that. How was it? Did you have a good time? What all did you do?

Kevin

[K4D]

But for my goals, the M or whatever it is at this point has to be secondary for me to succeed at anything else and even a shot at that as slim to none as that is.

I am in agreement with CG,

Kevin

[CityGirl]

How about this... stop thinking about the divorce. Take it off the table for now. Instead start thinking of how you can achieve personal victories for you and YOUR life. In order to achieve personal victories we must set boundaries and goals.

I personally would LOVE to see you tell your W that you have decided to split all finances for 2010. I would love to read a post that you told her this in a calm, civil and respectful way and whatever reaction she had, had ZERO bearing on you. I would love to be around when you realize this small step does not push you closer to a divorce but pushes you closer to being an independent man who is more than capable of keeping his own financial house in order.

I still belong to an IRL divorce support group. Often times couples that reconciled come in and talk to us. The majority of the couples that reconciled that came back to share their journey (and many of them have been reconciled for years now) still have separate finances with very clear financial boundaries so finances don't become an issue and they can work on the "important stuff".

I am glad you want to have a better career and perhaps start a business. Right now you should look at those things as "gravy" because you have some really pressing issues you need to tackle before you can really focus on the "gravy". Learn to adjust your mindset, set boundaries, not worry about the impact your personal growth will have on your W and really embrace the notion of learning how to implement very basic life skills (using resources, seeking out solutions on your own, conquering your root fears and so on). Life cannot blossom on "gravy" alone. Address the "meat" of the matter first.

I had a lovely holiday, thank you for asking. Christmas Eve day I ran some last minute errands with my friends. Christmas Eve I hosted my mom, step dad, sister and brother in law (Christmas Eve is the night we celebrate in my family). I volunteered Christmas morning then spent some time calling my out of town family/friends. Christmas Day night I hosted a party for a few friends and my sister and brother in law joined in after they had dinner with my BIL's family. It was one of the nicest holidays I can remember. I felt happy and centered and things felt just right.

[iwantittowork]

I find myself feeling like if I do, then I am acknowledging that I failed.

Kev, I go back to my earlier posts that you didn't understand. Again, this is a subtle control issue you have. You think that you can change the outcome of this if you just 'do' something, and your W notices, and she'll decide to come back.

However, It takes 2 to make a MR. One alone can not make a MR work.

You can acknowledge your failINGS, especially when it comes to your MR.

You make the changes to you, and for you, and fix what was broken on your side of the MR. If the MR still does not work out, it is not your failing alone, it is the combined failing of the 2 of you.

It's a subtle but marked shift in your perception and understanding that helps to break these chains that keep you in limbo and unable to move to make progress on yourself.

It's also empowering for yourself to get to that point.

I know you are slowly moving in the right direction, so don't think we don't notice, and why we continue to post to you. Keep working!