Stats: M - 28 W - 25 M - 1.5 T - 3 Bomb & Separated - Nov. 30/09 ALL her belongings moved out - Dec. 29/09 Formalizing separation agreement - pretty much settled. Ongoing Marriage Counselling
I have been browsing these forums for weeks. Unfortunately, I find myself in a desperate situation. Four weeks ago my wife dropped the bomb on me. She said she was unhappy, and that she wanted a D. I did the usual begging, pleading, crying which is not what she expected at all. In fact this is a 180 for me. I am aggressive and confident by nature. She expected me to just tell her to get the hell out. After a number hours of discussion, she told me that she loved me, that she was committed to the marriage but that she still needed space to "heal". She agreed to marriage counselling and called to setup our first session that night. We had our first session the next morning. The C is a MSW and ordained minister. Very pro marriage.
About me, I have been a horrible husband. My wife has tried again and again to show me love in every way possible. I was selfish and had an issue with anger and deflecting work stress. I also hurt her in the worst way possible using her own love languages. (words and quality time). I have been working through my issues and am making progress. I have also been taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. (down 20 lbs in 4 weeks - exercise and diet.) I am committed to making the changes I need to make for myself. I blew it royally and intend to learn from this.
In the first MC session my wife told me that "her heart is open to a lot of people but not me." We then had individual sessions. After my IC session, the C told me that he wanted us to start couples sessions immediately. However, after my wife's sessions, he changed his tune and recommended that we continue to live separately saying "no promises can be made about the relationship". She obviously spent the entire session going over what an awful husband I was to her. I have since continued on with my IC and the C is very pleased by my turn around.
However, my W requested a couples session before Christmas to sort out "practicalities of the separation". This was the first contact in weeks and first face to face in 4 weeks. (Only other contact was a brief call. All other discussions have been routed through MC.) My W had an agenda to get the rest of her belongings and get a separation agreement signed. Her requests for the separation agreement have been very benevolent or guilt ridden. I feel the latter is more likely. She has read the five languages of love and tried to approach me while we were married. I dismissed her but recently read it. In our session, I went over what I learned about her and our relationship. She was extremely emotional and told me "she is relieved that 'I get it' but didn't know how I could treat her the way I did if I loved her." Honestly, I was just really immature and self centred. I had no idea what it meant to make a decision to love your wife each day. Also, I made a mistake early on and sent flowers, she also said "I couldn't buy her love, I need to rebuild trust and that takes time". The C told my W that my progress has be unprecedented and that he has a lot of hope for our M. She was happy to hear it. No contact continues after last MC session. She is getting an apartment.
The other part to the story is the secrecy that developed right before the bomb. Phone being locked, hanging around divorced friends (who all cheated before they left), and perhaps most disturbing 2 late night 50 min. + calls to a land line. I had a friend call the line and it was a guy's voicemail. Online access to cell phone records were removed a couple of weeks ago.
I have been working with a DB coach and she has given my some good tips. But right now, I am at a loss at what to do. If Sandi or Puppy Dog Tails are around, please advise. She thanked me for respecting her boundary requests and not pursuing. No texts, emails, or calls. Any help would be great.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation but you have come to the right place. It is good that you regognize how you contributed to your M reaching this point and are taking steps to change. Keep the work going in this area because it is important that your W sees that you are able to sustain your changes and not revert back to bad behaviors. You are going to need patience with this, it sounds like your W put a lot of effort in before dropping the bomb so you will not be able to solve this overnight.
Sandi and others on this board will be along soon with good advice for you. Stay strong and keep working on your improvements!
Again, like Junco said, it's great that you are acknowledging your part of this, which is a huge first step. I am a WAW who is married to a man like you describe yourself being. You can read up on my sitch if you like. So from my POV, when someone pushes you away, especially the one person in the world who promised to be there for you no matter what, over time it really does start to rip you apart. It's very hard once you have reached that very low point to trust in good faith that someone is sincere with wanting to change.
You are doing an excellent job by getting counselling for yourself and realizing where you were wrong. She also needs to accept her half in this.
As for the mysterious phone calls, sounds like she could be talking to a man.
Thank you for the advice. Patience and perseverance are exactly what I need reaffirmed. The no contact thing is driving me nuts. My W was always so close and caring to me. To see her flip the switch and be able to go 4 weeks without contact is unfathomable. She did say in our last session that it was killing her. She cried frequently throughout the session.
@ Soleil,
Thank you for your POV. I know I have devastated her trust. She did tell me that she forgives me but she can't just forget and needs time to heal. She also says I have apologized before but nothing changed. Looking back, those apologies were never true repentance. I would think our problems were just a bump in the road and continue on. I now realize the core change I need. I realize that love is a choice and an action. I realize that love is selfless. I realize that my W is not to be treated like one my guy friends. She is delicate and I need to love and protect her. Everyday, I think about how I left her so emotionally vulnerable. It kills me. I do love my W dearly. Unfortunately, I was a boy when we got married and my ego wouldn't let me admit it when she tried to work on our marriage. Like most guys, it was only after I got a 2x4 across the head that I woke up. I now fear it is "too little, too late". I worry that once the separation agreement is finalized we really have no reason to talk. No kids, no financial ties, separate friends.
She did tell me that she forgives me but she can't just forget and needs time to heal.
Ask her what you can do to help her rebuild that trust. Tell her you are working on you, doing IC and want to make positive changes so your M can work out. That you will do anything to make it up to her. Be sincere.
Thanks Soleil. Given the no contact request, do you have any thoughts on how I should communicate this with her? All other communication has been through the C.
And you could call her on the phone leaving a message saying that and then drop it. Do not pursue her until she calls you. That way you've voiced what you are thinking and she knows what your thoughts are.
I wish you luck because it seems you really are trying. As someone on the receiving end of this, you do face an uphill battle but the difference with your sitch is that you are actively trying to repair this problem. My heart has been mangled into a thousand twisted knots. I'm not sure there is a way out of this hole.
Like most guys, it was only after I got a 2x4 across the head that I woke up. I now fear it is "too little, too late". I worry that once the separation agreement is finalized we really have no reason to talk. No kids, no financial ties, separate friends.
Accept that this is a possibility.
Acknowledge that there are some things you may not be able to fix with a "My bad", even a really sincere "My bad".
In no way am I saying that you should give up, or that you don't deserve to be forgiven, or anything like that. It's awesome that you are seeing what you didn't see before and working hard to fix your end of things; so many people never get to that point even when they are whacked upside the head with the 2x4.
Even so, in scrambling to "fix it" before she slips irretrievably away from you, beware of devaluing or minimizing her pain -- which didn't happen overnight -- in a desperate search for an 11th hour solution that meets *your* needs.
She may come back, and she may not. Let go. Do what you now perceive that you need to do to become a better man and husband either way.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
My W gave me a proposal for a separation agreement a week ago. She asked me to respond to her by today. I don't have any major issues with her requests but I'm not sure how I should respond. She wants to get the financial things sorted out amicably. Any advice?
My W gave me a proposal for a separation agreement a week ago. She asked me to respond to her by today. I don't have any major issues with her requests but I'm not sure how I should respond. She wants to get the financial things sorted out amicably. Any advice?
Have you shown it to your lawyer? If not, no dice. Don't agree to anything without a lawyer's feedback and input.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
