Good luck to you. I hope you can move on with your life, take your heart out of the box, and finally find some happiness.
Your initial post was so profound. It hit me so hard. I had a lump in my throat and my gut ached as I read it. I don't think I was like your X, but probably was. My wife complained often that she felt like a slave. I guess I did too. We escaped from our M through athletic pursuits and focus on our kids activities. We ignored each other and our relationship. It was really messed up.
I was wondering. Do you think if I showed a copy of your first post to my wife she would get the idea that I understand how she feels? Do you think this would make a difference? Do you think if your husband really knew why you were divorcing him and had empathy, and understood how you felt that it would make you feel better? Does it matter when you get to this stage? Can you ever take your heart out of the box?
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Here is a different perspective. I'm willing to bet that your husband has a completely different story. Why was he so absorbed in his work? Did he not want to come home? If so, why? Why didn't he hear you? Were things not explained in a way that he could understant? Did he hear you but not understand what you were saying? When he finally heard you and was willing to make changes why wasn't he given the opportunity? These are all questions that he will have for you. It seems as if their was a serious lack of communication on both sides. If you still love him and if he is willing to make needed changes then it is still not too late.
Amen brother.
I had no idea that she wasn't happy and I certainly had no intention of hurting her. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. I guess there were different expectations about what life should be and there was a serious lack of communication. When my sister-in-law implored my W to talk to me about it, she said she "couldn't". I don't understand why???????? When she did talk, she said things like "I'm overwhelmed". So was I. Who isn't? She worked part-time, had days at the beach or movies with the kids. I was at work. I didn't think her life was that bad. I think it will be worse now, at least from a perspective of being overwhelmed anyway.
I have been accused of being content to work, watch TV, eat and sleep also. I would have much preferred to work less and spend more time with my family, but my job was very demanding and I was trying to get promotions to improve our situation.
I made changes and my W has acknowledged them, but she filed for D anyway and we are now separated.
Reading the post from SC has caused me to lose all hope that anything is salvageable. I know that my W feels the same as she did. The only thing left to do is move on and be happy for myself and my kids and I am on a high speed train to that destination. Just a few more details to work out.
I know that I have continued to defend myself above and maybe that is a big part of the problem, but I am refusing to take all of the blame for this. She just won't let go of it.
Good luck to all WAS and LBS out there. This is a very tough row to hoe.
Managing expectations in a relationship is tough. One thing my W said in MC was that she didn't think she should have to ask for things from me, that I should "just know." Our C said that while that was a nice idea, it really didn't mesh with reality.
Lots of marriages are like that. We expect/want a certain thing, and when it doesn't happen, we're at a loss on how to deal with it. We make mistakes that build upon themselves, and we end up on this site wondering WTF just happened.
When I said to my W, "Why didn't you ask me for help?", her response was "I shouldn't have to!" I am not a mind reader and I don't see things the same way as she does. If something is missing, you need to ask for it.
. . . We expect/want a certain thing, and when it doesn't happen, we're at a loss on how to deal with it. We make mistakes that build upon themselves, and we end up on this site wondering WTF just happened.
Exactly. Communication is important in a relationship (obviously) but so many of us just don't get it. I'd asked my H to go to MC at least once so we could try and work on it, but it was always a no go.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
You also have to have a good counselor. We had gone to a counselor after our first child, when my wife was dealing with postpartum depression. This counselor was a nice guy, but had no clue about encouraging effective communication. His general idea was "You guys obviously love each other, spend more time together." What a wasted opportunity! That was 7 years ago...
Yeah, a good C is a definite. We never made it to looking into counselors though. H had to go to one when he was a teenager for depression, he's never wanted to go back to one since.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
SC, great post. I am the one you speak of to a degree. I did not know what I was doing to destroy the marriage. One huge problem was communication. Without it, your R will suffer.. Being absorbed with work and travel doesnt help.. Family first, and work at what works.. My wife and have been separated for some time. We talk, we laugh, she is slowly telling me she forgives me as I have been changing for several years, which she has stated she recognized. We will probably get divorced anyways because her heart is just hardened. I still love, respect her, and validate her feelings etc. Your post is very strong, very strong indeed.. Marriages are tough, and tougher when you are working it alone.
