Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

He may be looking for you being done so the D doesn't hurt you as much.

This is my worry. What I don't get is that before October 15 (when he brought up the D last) I was not being mean, not being nice. On that day, I was sad and he saw me tearing up. So he brings up the D on that day??? Weird. I did turn things around the next day and told him 2 weeks later I didn't want the D (to which he looked surprised but said "I know.") But I did let him start taking S to OW on Saturdays.

Also, (and I am just looking for possible explanations for his behavior here,NOT trying to necessarily disagree with the idea he is looking for me to be done)
why hasn't he encouraged me to date or told me to "have fun" when I went out those last 2 times? Why has he been continuing to be nice instead of pulling away himself? Like I said, before I started doing this Plan A type thing, he was just kind of average. Polite. I start doing the cooking, cleaning, good mood, working out, looking good, complimenting and he is nice in return and has not brought it up since.

Yes, I know my H but not the WH alien.

Although I started to pull away, I remember what the DB coach said and I have said it repeatedly: don't read too much into things this month, good or bad, because the holidays play with everyone's emotions. Don't do anything too drastic. He encouraged me to keep up what I have been doing for the time being. So I hope I'm not effing it up...

Oh about the 8 hours on his day off; I was thinking 5-6 instead. My S is not even 6 months old yet.

[newmama]

Hi, Sandycay! Thanks for replying! I did not think about using the Taco Bell scenario as a GAL opportunity. He did know I was going to my dad's today, though. As for tomorrow, sure, I can get dressed up when he arrives! Good idea.

[P17]

He may be looking for you being done so the D doesn't hurt you as much.

This is my worry. What I don't get is that before October 15 (when he brought up the D last) I was not being mean, not being nice. On that day, I was sad and he saw me tearing up. So he brings up the D on that day??? Weird.

Not so weird. Maybe he thought it was the best thing for you. Because you are upset.

W did something similar to me when I said how much I was enjoying myself when we had our 'there is no future for us' talk. She said that I was happier because I wasn't with her ... I said no, I was happier that we were not having problems anymore.

It makes them feel better to be the one to fall on their sword for you. See they gave you the D because you were hurting ... they really are good people WAS's.

why hasn't he encouraged me to date

Come on newmama. You know the answer to that one. Just because he may not want you doesn't mean he wants anybody else to want you. That is why dating CAN work in some sitches and is a controversial subject on here.

or told me to "have fun" when I went out those last 2 times?

Now you're mind reading. Could be a thousand reasons. Maybe he is DBing you? Maybe he doesn't care? Maybe he wants to pretend that you going out doesn't hurt him ... you will never know.

Why has he been continuing to be nice instead of pulling away himself?

Cake eating. My W was the same - it was like she never left after a while. They have the best of both worlds. Why on earth would anybody pull away from that ...

Like I said, before I started doing this Plan A type thing, he was just kind of average. Polite. I start doing the cooking, cleaning, good mood, working out, looking good, complimenting and he is nice in return and has not brought it up since.

Cake eating. Normalising. Maybe he even thinks you've accepted his new 'life' and he feels less guilty about it now.

Although I started to pull away, I remember what the DB coach said and I have said it repeatedly: don't read too much into things this month, good or bad, because the holidays play with everyone's emotions. Don't do anything too drastic. He encouraged me to keep up what I have been doing for the time being. So I hope I'm not effing it up...

You're not doing that. Remember you had S on Xmas morning - he didn't.

Oh about the 8 hours on his day off; I was thinking 5-6 instead. My S is not even 6 months old yet.

I was thinking that was the reason.

I worry a bit about this and the same way I worry about the NC I have. You can't DB the WAS (other than GAL) when you have no contact with them. If you start having W seeing S away from your home, your contact is reduced to next to nothing. That may be desirable but it's just something to bear in mind if you haven't thought about it.

[newmama]

P,thanks so much for your "tough love" and honest replies! So if he brought up the D because he thought I was hurting, (which makes excellent sense) then maybe he hasn't brought it up because I have been doing fine. So he has bought himself more time. I guess what I do see is that if he wants a D, nothing will stop him from pursuing one.

My DB coach also said to change up the schedule sometimes so I think I have been doing that. Earlier when you brought up the possibility that he could be reaching out (testing the waters), I started to second guess my decision to not go with him to his mom's. But I quickly conferred with my grandma who knows about everything, and she said one rebuff like that won't stop him from wanting to return if that is what he wants. She said that if I were to say "Hell no I'm not going! &^%$! etc" then that would be different. But politely explaining I am sorry but I have to get stuff done, then it won't be pushing him toward wanting to D.

Dang, last week I wasn't scared of the D. I hate rollercoasters (the real ones) as it is!

[P17]

So if he brought up the D because he thought I was hurting, (which makes excellent sense) then maybe he hasn't brought it up because I have been doing fine. So he has bought himself more time. I guess what I do see is that if he wants a D, nothing will stop him from pursuing one.

I would agree with that. If he wants a D he will get one regardless.

mom's. But I quickly conferred with my grandma who knows about everything, and she said one rebuff like that won't stop him from wanting to return if that is what he wants. She said that if I were to say "Hell no I'm not going! &^%$! etc" then that would be different. But politely explaining I am sorry but I have to get stuff done, then it won't be pushing him toward wanting to D.

Mums (even grand-mums) know best ... listen to her. If he wants to D he will. You won't be pushing him farther away by not going with him.

Dang, last week I wasn't scared of the D. I hate rollercoasters (the real ones) as it is!

I was beginning to think you never went on them newmama and it was only me! Your positivity is always there but the negative times are good too ... makes us question ourselves which is never a bad thing!

[newmama]

ok, so I was talking to my friend and brought up the fact that I'm not going with WH to see his mom tomorrow but wasn't planning on telling him until tomorrow. She said she hated it when people flake out at the last minute and thought I should tell him today. That way it would seem more sincere, too.

Before I left, my SIL sent me a text asking if they could come over to give S and I our presents. I replied that it was very sweet but I was going to my dad's today but WH would be bringing S over tomorrow. She said she didn't know that!

So I was running late to meet him at Taco Bell (I HATE being late! Even if he runs late 60% time on his mornings to come here) and let him know I would be about 5-10 min. late.
When I arrived, he let me know the details about when he was fed, etc. then I told him how I had almost finished cleaning but still had more to do,plus tomorrow I needed to run errands and exercise so I won't be able to go with him to his mom's. He seemed unpeterbed and just said "yeah, I better call them to see if they'll still be in town" !!! So he never solidified plans which means he would rather not see his family, even on Christmas, (he's not that close to them...they are very different but at least he has always made the rounds on holidays with me joining him!) most likely due to avoiding confrontation because of the amazing, fantastical, sex oh I mean soul mate OW.

[newmama]

P, I have been through this almost a year if you count false R (see sig line). The rollercoaster ride has twists and turns, ups and downs, and plenty of smoother, albeit bumpy, stretches of track.I don't know what comes next--but I can't see the end!!

I do feel proud that I've stayed pretty consistent with my actions but I know I will screw up the distancing part. I don't know how to do it while seeing him 6 days per week. I want to rock the fence but am afraid to flip it over all the way onto OW's side.

By the time I started this thread, I had been through almost all of the hardest stuff. Now in the last 6-7 weeks, I've managed to get through visits to OW which was really hard and Christmas...but I wish I could skip New Year's. I do plan on NOT watching the ball drop and going to bed by 10 or 10:30. Oh, I do want a pina colada though.

So, just want to get through New Year's and on Jan 2, my 2010 can start.

[newmama]

I changed my plan a little...baby was too fussy so I couldn't take the time to get ready and all dressed up. But he is going to his mom's and I did tell him I had a lot to do so I didn't go.

Good News: he said "you're doing a good job cleaning lately."
he asked about my family wanted to know how everything went.

Bad news: he took a Victoria's Secret catalog with him. (he always gets the mail and we get one of those every other day it seems, but it often ends up in the recycling. I saw it was hiding under a cigar catalog that he took with him)

He has plans New Years...said he just wasn't sure what day he had off before, that was why he hadn't made plans (he volunteered this).

He asked me what I was doing. I know I'll get a 2x4 but I was honest and said I'd be staying in since our baby was too young to take to my friend's house.

I am going to schedule a session one last time with my DB coach. Do I really want a divorce? Am I prepared for real?

[wifeleft2009]

I changed my plan a little...baby was too fussy so I couldn't take the time to get ready and all dressed up. But he is going to his mom's and I did tell him I had a lot to do so I didn't go.

Good News: he said "you're doing a good job cleaning lately."
he asked about my family wanted to know how everything went.

Bad news: he took a Victoria's Secret catalog with him. (he always gets the mail and we get one of those every other day it seems, but it often ends up in the recycling. I saw it was hiding under a cigar catalog that he took with him)

He has plans New Years...said he just wasn't sure what day he had off before, that was why he hadn't made plans (he volunteered this).

He asked me what I was doing. I know I'll get a 2x4 but I was honest and said I'd be staying in since our baby was too young to take to my friend's house.

I am going to schedule a session one last time with my DB coach. Do I really want a divorce? Am I prepared for real?

maybe with him taking it means he will be home too!

[chatterbug]

Hi newmama. Hard days. Maybe its time you shut out yourself and the baby from him. I think you have been thinking about this. But I do not read minds.

Cutting out the love languages he knows. And grind him out of his life with mutual friends and family.

Make him actually live the life he has been pretending to live.

And make him pay support for you and the baby.


What do you think about that ???