Looking for my new normal

[C-Bart]

No problem venting.

Keep things positive as much as possible. You are in a better place now.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Bunny,
I ditto what others have said..
take back some of your power & give him the camera back.

Be clear with him ...for what is "not acceptable"...
the fuzzier you are with him, the further across your line he will come & the harder it is to get them back on their side.

Be gentle with yourself as you find your new normal.. it will happen and you can handle it.

Peace
Bridge

[Kimmie Lee]

Sweetie, GAL is anything you want to do to get healthy. Go ahead and nap all weekend if you want. Curl up with a good book, something fun instead of all those "self-improvement" ones, watch movies, whatever you feel.

I just want to let you know again how much I admire you. You have truly been abused by your h and you have shown such courage in taking these steps to rebuild a healthy new life for yourself.

And you're accomplishing this without leaning on some lame-@ss OM to "help" you "feel better" about yourself.

You really are an inspiration to me and so many others here.

[givingitmyall]

I just want to let you know again how much I admire you. You have truly been abused by your h and you have shown such courage in taking these steps to rebuild a healthy new life for yourself.

And you're accomplishing this without leaning on some lame-@ss OM to "help" you "feel better" about yourself.

You really are an inspiration to me and so many others here.

Yep. You are doing great SB.

[Gardener]

Bunny, I am late to the party on this, haven't even read the responses you've received. AND you owe me $61.00 **

I spent Christmas Eve with H and the kids at my parents, set out the kids presents with H back at the house, then went back to the apartment for the night. That hurt being away from everybody, even if it was just for the night. In the morning, D17 sent me a text wondering when I would arrive for opening presents (I guess she had thought I was spending the night there). I told I would be there shortly and hurried over. We opened presents, I cooked a roast to take to H’s family’ Christmas dinner, and we had a nice day there. S19 came back to the apt. with me last night, and it was really nice to have company.

Glad most of your Christmas was a good one.

H was sweet and bought some nice things for my apt for Christmas(for example, he got me a nice printer, a DVD player, a shoe rack and a set of bowls). Since it was so close to the holiday, he decided to wrap them up as gifts. He said he would have bought these things for me anyways, even if hadn’t been the holiday, because he wanted me to be comfortable at the apt.

H was NOT sweet! He is trying to draw himself back into your good graces - and the lifestyle. Your boundary, as I said before, should be the threshold of your door. DO NOT LET HIM INTO YOUR MUCH-NEEDED SANCTUARY!

One other gift that he got me was a digital camera. I thought “how nice” since I didn’t have one- H had always been the family photographer. He gets me alone later and asks if I knew the reason he got me the camera. I suggested (hopefully) on account of the kids. Nope- he wants me to take pics of myself out on dates with other guys in various sexual situations and send them to him. I felt so let down when he said that. I still don’t get that- most guys DO NOT want to share their wives or see pics of their wives giving bj’s, among other things, to other men. The men here seem rather vehement about that fact!

Sick, SICK, SICK! Damn straight, the men here are vehement about that. Bunny, quite frankly, in my heart, being invited intimately inside a woman's body, in any fashion, is an HONOR. And in a monogamous or marital situation it is a PRIVILEGE to know that I am the one man on this earth so honored.

Am I not valuable enough to fight for or protect?

Yes, preciously valuable in that regard.To a real man!

Swingers often have a holier than thou attitude towards “vanilla couples” (non-swingers), in that they love and trust each other enough to not deprive them of sexual pleasure from others. You hear a lot “it gives me pleasure to see my wife/husband receiving pleasure”

Garbage!! "It gives me pleasure to be able to cheat without consequences AND by making you equally 'culpable' thereby letting me off the hook for what amounts to BETRAYAL". It gives ALL us pleasure to see our spouses give pleasure and receive pleasure TO AND US, ONLY. PERIOD! That one privileged person on this earth so privileged as I said before.

Nope, can’t do it, that BS as far I’m concerned, I’m sorry if that makes me a vanilla, selfish spouse with jealousy and insecurity issues.

Good! STAY AWAY. You are NOT vanilla,selfish,jealous and insecure. You are normal. He is a deviate. You KNOW this!

I don’t feel like I even know what normal is anymore.

Good. You and every one of us on this board whether successful or unsuccessful in piecing together a new, better R & M have the wonderful opportunity to CREATE your new normal!

Word is out in the local swinging community that H and I are separated. The wolves are coming out of the woodwork now- I am inundated with offers from men of an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, and another part of their anatomy in addition. This way, it’s low effort on my end to get out and socialize, but it isn’t a good idea, I know that.

STAY AWAY! Change your email address, your phone#, your cell#, anything you have to do! Do not answer, do not pick up, do not even OPEN emails (some ISPs and email systems tell the sender when their outgoing mail has been opened)

I mean, most people do not see sex as a recreational activity, right?

Sure we do, in the context of a healthy, monogamous,loving, cherishing R, it IS play. And Love. And soul-bearing. And Bonding.And cvommunication And damn-near spouse-worship.

There is more to me as a person than just that, but I have to find it. My reality/perceptions/whatever are skewed right now.

Damn straight there is. You are a precious unique, never-to-be-repeated child of God.

You, Bunny are up against a master manipulating, mesmerizing, guilt-spewing sicko. Right now you are now match for his power, so STAY AWAY until you are. And you will be soon.





[/quote]

[SpyBunny]

You have truly been abused by your h

My H would disagree. In fact, he already has. In our discussion last month he made a point of saying that he looked at some battered women's discussion boards/web sites recently, and that those women were as nutso as his sister, and they have me convinced of an abusive reality that just isn't there. I don't know, maybe I missed a detail or something. Like he said, he can't be held accountable for something he didn't know because I didn't tell him. I did do the passive-aggressive thing at first, by trying to avoid meeting couples or going to the club until he would get frustrated and angry. (Sometimes, I did initiate going to the club to try to convince myself I could do this, but that usually didn't work- it was just an exercise in frustration.) The last few years I did tell him that it hurt me to see him f***ing another woman- his solution was for us to play separately. He just couldn't hear me. I wasn't clear enough or brave enough to say "I want out". The most I could do was say "it hurts me" and hope he would let me off the hook and say "OK, I don't want to hurt you, we won't do it anymore." Instead I got, "In that case, I'll do my thing, you do yours, but I would like involvement in your playtime with other guys, and if not that, bring pics back.... "

I wasn't abused, I let myself be a doormat and acted like a tramp/slut/whore because that's how people (my H and many others) liked me being and I don't see how I look inspirational to anyone because I still see myself like that and I don't know what else there is to me and people still want me to be that way.

I feel lost. I wanna go back to bed...

[Gardener]

My edit time ran out, so I'm finishing here.

I have never been so livid on this forum as I was yesterday when I began it or today when I had to re-do it.
So much so that yesterday while typing, I gesticulated wildly spilling a Coke on my keyboard and frying it.
Bought a new one this morning.
**Hence the $61.00
Certified bank check or money order only, please.

Bunny, I am willing to give you my email or phone number on the .alt for you to use whenever your thinking is skewed, confused or you even suspect you are being pulled back in.

Just say the word.

This man is not - and - never will be your husband or a real man. You are no more than chattel to him. Forget him. Lose him.

[SpyBunny]

Gardener- you are so sweet, my friend! You made me smile, thank you!

I'll get to the bank on Monday I hope that keyboard is a nice one!

Bunny

[Gardener]

You have truly been abused by your h

My H would disagree..I wasn't abused,

YOU WERE ABUSED. BY THE PERSON WHO MORE THAN ANYONE ON THIS EARTH SHOULD HONOR YOU, PROTECT YOU AND KEEP YOU FOR HIS OWN PRECIOUS PARTNER.

YOU. WERE. ABUSED.

I feel lost.

We all do. Just before we WORK AT finding ourselves and loving ourselves. even when -especially when - no one else does right now.

I wanna go back to bed...

Don't. Get up. Go for a walk. Do something for you. Treat the hurting little girl inside of you. Tell her it will all be okay. Tell her to "relax now. Be not afraid. I, adult Bunny, will take it from here and heal and protect both of us."

PLEASE< Bunny. Don't lie down: literally or figuratively.
Stand up, woman!

[SpyBunny]

I could hang some pictures. H wouldn't let me hang these old baby pictures (of our kids and even me!) at the house because he didn't like clutter on the walls. So I brought them with me- if he wasn't going to hang them, I will. S19 is here, he can help with that after the game is over. Yay Browns!