W took the kids to church this morning. A bit of a surprise to me as she did not say she was going to take them (she usually tells me they are going - as a hint for me to go?). Well, it is what it is. By the time I woke up, it was too late for me to get ready. So, I will read my Bible, have some coffee, and check out the boards.
W seemed withdrawn this morning. All she told me was about some entries she updated on our budget and how much I owed on my car that was rear ended yesterday. She's so warm and fuzzy these days. Sorry, just kidding.
I noticed from my in-laws being here for Christmas how enamored they are with money and the price of things. How much this car or that car costs. How cheap they bought a bag of chips. Man, let it go. Do you really know what is important? Really?
The point of the budget is to note how consumed she is with money. I understand wanting and needing security, but she seems to take it to a different level. And if she isn't happy about the $$$$, no one's happy.
And I don't understand why money for her seems to be THE most important issue. Right now, maybe it's all she has left since she has given up on our M.
As concerned as my W is about money, she does not appear to be looking for A job. Instead, she's looking for THE job. Well, if you want to help out with money, find something that will help US.
A bit of a rant this morning. Some due to being left out of church (I know, I can take them, but we have gone sporadically at best lately). That's ok. During our service, there is a part where the congregation exchanges the "peace" where people shake hands and spouses actually, kiss each other (Wow), and that part of the service has been awkward ever since the bomb. She usually solve that issue by sitting in a seperate pew from me.
P.S.: After writing this post, the thought came to me that if this is what my W values most in life, why would I want to spend the rest of my life with her? And, I don't have an answer other than I wouldn't.
As concerned as my W is about money, she does not appear to be looking for A job. Instead, she's looking for THE job. Well, if you want to help out with money, find something that will help US.
Has your W always been this way, or only concerned about money when she thought about being single/D? I think if I remember back from earlier in your thread you had said she was always like this in one way or another (concerned about money) and it makes sense given how her parents are.
My W is now, after 20+ years working only 2 days a week (which I was always in favor of and even wanted her to work less at times because we had 4 kids), suddently motivated to work more (but not a lot more). With 2 kids about to enter college I would have been supportive of this but only her desire to be single is motivating her. If it wasn't for this selfish need she wouldn't consider it. This really frys me - she is motivated to work more but not to help the family, only herself. I guess any more income either of us generates helps the family, whether we are paying for 2 households or 1.
I suspect if you get going with a separation/D agreement your W will balk in some way. The fact that she has skills will impact how much support you pay (or don't pay) hopefully, forcing her to get moving on earning an income. These are all ingredients involved with facing reality.
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During our service, there is a part where the congregation exchanges the "peace" where people shake hands and spouses actually, kiss each other (Wow), and that part of the service has been awkward ever since the bomb. She usually solve that issue by sitting in a seperate pew from me.
My W is always the one who was getting us to go to church. She would take my kids many times alone without me, which I now regret looking back. However, in the past year the # of times my W went to church can be counted on one hand. It is a major change, even though our kids are involved with the church's religious education programs, etc. She has a very low opinion of herself fueled by her guilt over what she is doing with our M (and presumably OM) which is a facto I believe.
However, I have noticed the same thing as you about exchanging 'peace'. She would always grab me and kiss me during this ritual and she even did it this past Easter (the last time she kissed me actually), but the other day on xmas she only shook my hand. She might have done more if I had leaned over but I wasn't interested. I am only interested in affection she willingly gives at this point.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Thanks for the post. Yes, you have a good memory - my W has always (as much as I dislike speaking in absolutes) been overly interested in money. That isn't new, but I'm sure it has taken on more importance for her now that she has said she wants a D.
I have never been an irresponsible spender, but I am definitely the spender of us two. Since the bomb, I have really reigned in unnecessary purchases. I did it b/c it was the right thing to do, but it would have been nice to get at least some thank you or acknowledgment from her - but I didn't and don't look for that from her.
As for her looking for a job, she has tried looking for a position similar to what she had before she stopped working. I have not chimed in on her looking for a job. Throughout our M, I have always been supportive of her decision of working v. not working. I truly think she is one who NEEDS to work, simply for the intellectual stimulation and sense of self-worth. But, the point is, it has always been HER choice. Right now, we really could use the extra money, like everyone else in the world. We are making it, but it's tight.
I have always been the spender as well, but I think these contrasts are what makes us good partners since we compliment each other in the right ways (until the differences start creating issues).
In my situtation, my W transitioned from someone who frowned on any spending (she never thought we needed a new car, new house ,etc she was very practical vs. myself). About 2 years ago that changed. Any expense related to her own self-improvement (trainers, expensive bikes, plastic surgery, etc) were OK. It was a marked turnaround for her since she used to be so thrifty.
Your W hasn't changed in that way. Have you guys actually figured out how much support she would get if she had a job like her previous one? Has she really digested the economic impact of a S/D? Given her focus on $$$s I would think this would be a big factor in her decision-making.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
GIMA, Your wife sounds depressed. Needs certain things but won't take any action except passive behavior - learned hopelessness. You can't fix it, she will have to fix it herself. What will it take? Only God knows.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks man. And I think you're right. And you point out the reason for my frustration. I can't make her want to get help or find her way out of her funk.
I can only try to model lead and model behavior.
I'm open to suggestions. I honestly don't know what more I can do.
She has made comments about not knowing if "anyone ever recovers from a financial hit" like ours. Ok, I get it - it is a hit, NOT a knock out punch. Definitely something we will overcome. She doesn't see it that way - which is the learned helplessness.
