Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[chatterbug]

Girl. Get up. And take those 2 steps forward.

You are strong. And you are becoming more intune with your emotions.

And when its gets tough. We will be here for you. For we care deeply about you.

Cutter.

[newmama]

Avermont, my WH spent Christmas with his OW's family. It's hard but all too common. And this week has been so hard for me, too, haven't cried in a long time and cried every day this week. This morning I got up and attempted to get the house more prepared and finish what I started (had to rearrange furniture, cook, take care of S, wrap some more presents, do another load of dishes). It really made me realize how much WH did to help.

I enlisted the help of my sisters, drove to pick them up, and they really did help out! Now I have a huge mess to clean up though. Definitely feeling alone.

But the Christmas party was fun; everyone played with S and he is worn out! He got lots of new books and clothes and toys!

So I have one more to go to-my dad's. S has 2 more to go to- my dad's and WH's mom's.

WH texted me this morning to check on S, wished us a Merry Christmas. I just replied back about S. He texted again telling us to have a good Christmas. I replied back "Thanks, we will!"
I will NOT and DID NOT wish him a Merry Christmas. Hope he noticed.

I know everyone thinks it's over between us and there is no hope. But I still have hope!

[P17]

Back to the kleenex---

Avermont, there is nothing that I can add that the others haven't said.

What is happening is normal.

One thing that I have realised in the last week (since just before seeing my IC actually) is that I want to get rid of hope. All hope of an R to my M. Because hope is what is holding me back and making me dragging my feet on finding what I'm looking for. Kill the hope. Maybe it is something that may help you too?

Your detachment goes up and down like a yo yo. It's because you're not truly detached. And I'm not saying that as one who is, I'm not either. I had a bad 3-4 days last week where I had a large pity party in here. I feel better now. You will feel better in a few days too. Just remember that - hit rock bottom, embrace it and then feel better. Each time I (you) hit rock bottom you get stronger when you come back and you learn something new about this journey. Sounds all wishy washy but it's true.

No matter whether the OW speaks his LL or not doesn't matter. She could have 15 heads and be from the planet Thargon - he's in love with her just now. That might be hard to hear but you know this. The chemicals are flooding the brain. Nothing matters to him just now. Nothing at all. Not you. Not his job. Not his mum. Nothing. When those chemicals stop flowing (and they will or he'd be dead - you can't keep that energy up forever!) then reality will start to slowly creep back into their lives.

A's are based on lies, deceit, hurt, guilt, upset and immorality. That is why so few of them ever move beyond a 'fling'. Your R with your H is based on love, understanding, caring, shared memories and commitment. He has none of those with OW and it's statistically unlikely he ever will.

I can't believe I'm saying this but you and I need to just be patient. And while we are doing that you must go down the road and learn and heal. One that journey one of two things will happen - H will come back and tell you he wants to try again. H will come back and tell you it's over and is filing for D. The point of the journey is that by the time they come to you and ask these questions, you can deal with either of them calmly and confidently.

Chin up girl. Things will be better in a few days. I promise that.

[P17]

WH texted me this morning to check on S, wished us a Merry Christmas. I just replied back about S. He texted again telling us to have a good Christmas. I replied back "Thanks, we will!"
I will NOT and DID NOT wish him a Merry Christmas. Hope he noticed.

He noticed. Why do you think he texted you the same thing again?

I know everyone thinks it's over between us and there is no hope. But I still have hope!

I don't think it's over between you two. I think, out of all the sitches in this forum, you have the best chance at R.

I may have said all this before but I have been thinking about you today and your sitch.

Your H strikes me as a guy who is being controlled by OW and is simply too scared and indecisive to drop her. I get the feeling he simply hasn't got a clue what to do or what he is actually doing and is simply 'along for the ride'. The texts, the talks, the time he is spending with you just strike me as somebody who is cake eating but also somebody who is maybe reaching out a little. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm off base, but that's the impression I'm getting. It would be nice if he manned up though and did the right thing, whatever that may be.

[newmama]

So WH just came to pick up S. I let him know about how S was, and all the presents he got, etc. I was tempted to mention other details like how much fun we had but didn't want to rub it in his face. I think he can tell from the mess!

He was going to give S a bath when he dropped him off today but I explained that we are going to my dad's and was wondering if we could "exchange" S in the Taco Bell parking lot on the side of town where my dad lives when he is done seeing him. I think he was a little surprised.

I just explained that I don't want S to have to be in the car for so long today and it would cut an extra 40 minutes. He said that was fine.

Now tomorrow he is expecting that I will go to his mom's with him, and his mom sent me an email wishing me Merry Christmas saying "I look forward to seeing you and S." But I did see her recently and I totally think she will not be offended if I don't go. So I really will need to take down all of the Christmas stuff tomorrow and will surprise WH again I think when I tell him I won't be going. I won't be making a huge deal, just say "well, sorry but I think I'll pass this time because I really need to take down the Christmas stuff! Say hi for me!"

Believe it or not, these 2 actions scare me. I just am so much better at being agreeable and pleasant than doing things like making him drop off our S in a parking lot or not going with him to his mom's. (And going to his mom's is not a sign of anything; we have gone together in the past since the S).

[P17]

Believe it or not, these 2 actions scare me. I just am so much better at being agreeable and pleasant than doing things like making him drop off our S in a parking lot or not going with him to his mom's. (And going to his mom's is not a sign of anything; we have gone together in the past since the S).

It's a 180. Both of them. And they are good ones, particularly the one of not going to his mum's. That shows him and them that you guys are not a couple anymore and separated people don't do these things. They will also wonder why you weren't there and ... oh, they'll remember he's having an A ...

Good on you.

P.S. I usually leave the Xmas stuff up until the start of January!

[newmama]

I don't think it's over between you two. I think, out of all the sitches in this forum, you have the best chance at R.

Seriously? I was thinking it is starting to look dismal! He left me when I was pregnant and has remained with her since S was born...9 months now! I mean I do have hope but it seems like the light is getting dim (I think of hope as looking like light shining down from a dark sky)

Your H strikes me as a guy who is being controlled by OW and is simply too scared and indecisive to drop her. I get the feeling he simply hasn't got a clue what to do or what he is actually doing and is simply 'along for the ride'. The texts, the talks, the time he is spending with you just strike me as somebody who is cake eating but also somebody who is maybe reaching out a little. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm off base, but that's the impression I'm getting. It would be nice if he manned up though and did the right thing, whatever that may be.

P, this is rather insightful--this seems plausible--he is the kind of person who doesn't make major decisions quickly and mulls them over until he decides. So if he is going along for the ride and maybe reaching out, is it bad that I have started pulling away a little? I keep reading advice given to other BSs on here or in newcomers. Sandi says they need to hit rock bottom or face the fear of losing something major before coming out of it. So I have been thinking about pulling away more and more and telling him he needs to take S with him on his days off instead of coming here; but 8 hours is too long for S to be away.

ANd continuing this thought: if he is indecisive, let's say, and going along for the ride, then could he be looking for signs from me saying "I am done" to help him decide to D? (I know it's mind reading but I think it's okay to brainstorm possible scenarios) Is it bad that I have been so nice and caring and then by switching to being more distant it will give him the wrong message? Ugghh...confused...

[newmama]

P, I usually leave Christmas stuff up until after New Year's but I really am ready for it to be over considering this year! So I'll be taking it down!

[P17]

Seriously? I was thinking it is starting to look dismal!

You're on the ground there. I'm a few thousand miles away and only have a few posts to go on ...

He left me when I was pregnant and has remained with her since S was born...9 months now! I mean I do have hope but it seems like the light is getting dim (I think of hope as looking like light shining down from a dark sky)

It is getting dim. But maybe the light needs to go out completely before things will change around. While the light is on at all, he can still see you and S. Maybe when the light goes out and he can't see you anymore, it may make a difference?

P, this is rather insightful--this seems plausible--he is the kind of person who doesn't make major decisions quickly and mulls them over until he decides. So if he is going along for the ride and maybe reaching out, is it bad that I have started pulling away a little?

I'm going to answer that without answering it as I simply don't know. It could go either way. I'll explain with my own sitch.

W is the kind of woman who doesn't handle rejection. She would rather walk away than fight for something in case she got rejected - she's a coward (like all WAS's). If we look at NC just now as purely getting the spouse back (as that is a tiny part of it) then NC for me is a HUGE gamble and one I actually think I will lose. She will EITHER see me pulling away as rejection and my acceptance than the M is over and walk off into the sunset with OM even if it's not what she wants to do. OR she will come around as pulling away is supposed to make them do.

Your H could be the same. Pulling away could make him say 'oh well, it's over' and he will just move on (as you have a S that would be insane in my book but then I ain't your H) or he will see you walking away and get a sudden realisation of what the h*ll he actually wants.

My thinking in your case is that the cake eating he is doing (and I know you're well aware of it) is actually just postponing whatever decision he will make. He has two women who love him, a S, a stable wife and homemaker who will be there for him, a crazy fantasy like women who will be there for him ... he has everything he could want. You need to take that away from him. He may choose to stay with OW or he may choose to come back to you or he may even choose to walk away from both of you. However he will at least have made a decision and you will know the answer which will allow you to make a decision for yourself.

I keep reading advice given to other BSs on here or in newcomers. Sandi says they need to hit rock bottom or face the fear of losing something major before coming out of it. So I have been thinking about pulling away more and more and telling him he needs to take S with him on his days off instead of coming here; but 8 hours is too long for S to be away.

Is it too long though? I don't know the reasons (although I can obviously guess some) but would it be worth the sacrifice?

I agree that the WAS has to have the A end and to hit rock bottom before they realise what they have done. Some never do. Although you can help them along that road to hitting rock bottom by pulling the rug out from under them. In my case it was NC for me and D.

Sandi2 is one person on here I don't tire of reading.

ANd continuing this thought: if he is indecisive, let's say, and going along for the ride, then could he be looking for signs from me saying "I am done" to help him decide to D? (I know it's mind reading but I think it's okay to brainstorm possible scenarios)

This is mindreading as you said.

Has he not said he wants to D anyway? (I can't remember entirely although I do remember you being worried about him talking about it before).

Maybe he is looking for signs from you to say you're not done and that the door back to you is still open? However, as far as I can see that's exactly what you have been doing and he has done nothing.

He may be looking for you being done so the D doesn't hurt you as much.

I think only you can make that call.

Is it bad that I have been so nice and caring and then by switching to being more distant it will give him the wrong message? Ugghh...confused...

It might actually be the exact thing you should have done. You are all nice and caring and he gets comfortable with things and then BAM ... you go dark and he has no idea what the h*ll has just happened. A huge 2x4 to the head that he didn't see coming.

Just my 2p worth.

[sandycay]

Never posted to you before but following along. Just wanted to add a few GAL pointers that you maybe over looking.

First you should have just told him to meet you at the Taco Bell and not why...(be mysterious and be vague if he ask) You can say something like "we have somethings to do on that side of town.

Second~ when you decline going to his mom house.... be dressed to the nines and turn him down... so what if you just take down Christmas decorations... maybe he'll think you went out and took down decorations.... make sure you are dressed like that when he comes back....

You need to take advantage of these small situations. You are holding up amazingly and have a lot of grace.