WAH in MLC with PA

[Grace_O]

Dg,

Leavie it alone. If you stick your nose in it, you will just push them closer. You've got kids, are they teenagers? If so, you know the drill, they bring someone home you really don't like, if you let them know....I tell you right now, they are "in love" and it's "the one". Treat this the same. Keep your mouth closed.

If you find yourself wanting to say something you even think you shouldn't, don't. Go for a workout or a long walk. It will help clear you mind and releave some of the stress if only for a minute at first.

The ow, is not the problem. It's something in him. Something you can't fix. He has to do that. If it wasn't her, it would either be somebody or something else.

This is really tough. You'll need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and hang on. You can do it.

HUGS

[job]

D,
Grace has given you excellent advice. Leave the situation alone. The more you talk about the ow or attempt to show him the error of his ways, the more you will push them together. In their eyes, they are soulmates, your h has rewritten history and she's eases his woes because he's had such a difficult life. Not!

It's all about him and there is something deep within him that has never fully matured. He was emotionally stunted as a young kid/teen and now he's having to grow up after the body has matured.

It's a difficult journey, but you need to keep the focus on you and your children and finances. There is absolutely nothing you can do to turn him around. He must complete the entier journey in order to grow up completely. If it wasn't this ow, it would be another one. To them, it's who ever can ease their pain.

Pull your bootstraps up and fasten your seat belt...it's a long and winding ride, but I know you can do this!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Also, one of the problems with our marriage was that I was too controlling (I didn't feel I had control over my own life so I focused on his). This would be my taking his choice away and controlling the situation again, wouldn't it?

Glad you said that. It sure would be controlling.

Their affair is a relationship, it has to end because of one of them ending it.

Let me ask you this. How many people did you stop dating because someone told you you had too?

[DiamondGirl]

Let me ask you this. How many people did you stop dating because someone told you you had too?

Good point! So they really are like teenagers again, huh? Too weird... I guess I can consider this practice for when my D hits those years...

I guess I'm worried it won't end because she travels alot so the fact that they don't see each other that often may just suit her fine...

[job]

The MLCer exhibits teenager qualities during the crisis. It's when they go back to where they were stunted emotionally in life, usually childhood, i.e., early teens. They have to go back and face the demons that stunted their emotional growth and then grow up from there.

Worrying about whether the affairs will end or not is a waste of time. I know, you want your h back, but right now, the man you love is gone. In his place is this spoiled rotten kid who most likely threw spit balls at the girls or got under his mother's skin about things he shouldn't have done.

The affair has to die a natural death and one that you do not have a hand in. It could take a while, but it will die at some point.

You might want to pull up the MLC Archives and read some of the threads over there. I initiated a thread that may be of interest to you in the Archives. The thread is located on page 206 and it is entitled "Stages of MLC Through The Eyes of a Visitor". This thread was initiated in October 2002 and it might help you to better understand where they are at mentally/emotionally.

[D Money]

Here's a link to the resources. There's a wealth of information there.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

[DiamondGirl]

Yippee! Made it through the Holidays...

Thank you for pointing me to the MLC resources. They were very enlightening...

I've been working on detaching and have been a little more successful.. I didn't have the kids over New Year's and the weekend so it was hard to keep busy..

WAH apparently flew into a tantrum when SIL complained about him not doing the dishes... He called me to say he was bringing the kids home a day early. I told him he couldn't as I had plans. "Where are you going?" was his answer in a shocked/sarcastic tone (he knew I had already gone out on New Year's Eve as well). I told him that it was none of his business and that the kids were his responsibility (his weekend).

This was a 180 for me as throughout our marriage I would have changed my plans or canceled them if something came up with him that he needed to go out instead...

I came to realize this weekend that it wasn't my self esteem that was the issue - I knew I could take care of myself and my children. It was my self worth - I've never felt I deserved to be happy or put myself first. I've always thought of others first.

WAH said in the same conversation that he needed to find another place to live (SIL has been supporting him so that his pay goes entirely to me/kids for bills). I said that he couldn't afford to. He said that I shouldn't worry about him that he'd be okay. I told him I wasn't worried about him but me (another 180), as I had the house and children to think about first. He got annoyed... I don't think this was a setback as he was quite used to me putting him first in our dealings up until this point.

I'm trying to get the message through that the old but now mature me is back and wasn't going anywhere but that I was creating a life with or without him...

[job]

You do not need to send him a message about your changes. The best way to get the "message" across to him is by doing it. The more they see you actually doing things, the more it stays within the brain cells,i.e., actions speak louder than words. This is very true when dealing w/Mlcers.

[kickme]

What she said...

[DiamondGirl]

Okay.. so I spoke too soon.. WAH called me at work yesterday in response to an email I sent him asking about financial transactions I didn't recognize on our joint account.

His voice was very cold and angry. Said that obviously I didn't care about him according to my comment about not worrying about where he was living. Said that I had no idea who he was and haven't tried to find out in the last 10 years of our marriage. Says couldn't work out between us because we'd be fighting in front of the kids all the time. (This was volunteered by him, I didn't get a chance to say anything). Said he thought that I probably thought about OW all the time and was angry and bitter. (Told him I didn't think of her at all anymore actually. Symptom, not problem in our R). He said that we never had a M, or a R. I asked what about the 5 yrs before marrying, what was that? He said we were just friends "hanging out".
Said all communications were to be about finances or kids. (Gee, that's what I WAS doing...) Said wants to get custody agreement on paper as new year, new start, new life.

*sigh*

This all hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I keep reacting the way I always do expecting him to be the rational, calm man I married when I hear his voice or see his face. This man is really the complete opposite but he has the same voice which brings me to my knees inside. I keep saying things that set him off.

I don't think I can put off the custody paper thing. He wanted to meet to discuss it but I'm not strong enough yet not to break down in front of him. (I didn't tell him that, just said I was too busy this week to meet. He got sarcastic and said "I'm sure you have an hour in your busy life to see me." I told him not this week, that it could wait a few weeks. He said no way, then HE would be too busy.) So he's going to send me what he'd like in it and I'll revise it with what I want and go from there.

Looks like I have to master the "breathe and think before you speak" trick to avoid verbal diarrhea in the future...