Codependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.[1]
Denial Patterns:
* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. * I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. * I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
* I have difficulty making decisions. * I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." * I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. * I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. * I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. * I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. * I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. * I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. * I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. * I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. * I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. * I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. * I become resentful when others will not let me help them. * I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. * I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. * I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. * I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
LOL! Guilty as charged on this one: * I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
Could you and the wife spare a weekend to go to Retrouvaille? I ask because it is a very different approach for both of you. I see your marriage as a power struggle -- either you get your way, or she gets hers, but never the two of you compromising. Retrouvaille asks you both to go with open minds and willing hearts - two things that I don't see either of you using at home. From there they elicit conversations between you that involve you as equal partners. This would be a big change in dynamic for the two of you. But you might be able to get something out of it. And, if not, then it was just a weekend.
Steve it's a good question, I haven't updated my situation in such a long time and I guess I wanted to document these events as they were unfolding, it's a pretty dramatic change in my situation where is she is asking to come back home after such a long time.
I've been detaching for so long to the point where I was no longer attached to the outcome, I moved on, have been living my life my way for such a long time and then for this to happen, honestly I was caught off guard, I didn't expect it after all this time because I wasn't moving on with my life with the purpose of making my wife want to come back home.
But now that she wants to come home but still hasn't been honest about the details of the affair(s), I wanted feedback, maybe part of this is closure for me, I want to know what happened before I move on, maybe I want my family to be whole again, I don't know, so many conflicting thoughts swirling around in my head.
I know I'm never going to beg & plead to have her or anyone else in my life and I know that anyone in my life is going to be respectful, trustworthy and honest with me, I don't want lies in my life anymore. Maybe I also want to let those who are dealing with spouses that lied to them to not settle for crap in their lives.
Initiating the thread before christmas was purely coincidental, it was just my posting details of recent occurrences as they happened, it has nothing to do with christmas, if this had happened during the 2nd week of January 2010, I would have posted it as well.
Incidentally, my wife just called this morning, she would like to come over and "talk", honestly I'm not sure how much I want to hear about anything on the 24th and 25th, I will probably just have her visit with the kids, I would like the next 2 days to be great for myself and the kids.
Could you and the wife spare a weekend to go to Retrouvaille? I ask because it is a very different approach for both of you. I see your marriage as a power struggle -- either you get your way, or she gets hers, but never the two of you compromising. Retrouvaille asks you both to go with open minds and willing hearts - two things that I don't see either of you using at home. From there they elicit conversations between you that involve you as equal partners. This would be a big change in dynamic for the two of you. But you might be able to get something out of it. And, if not, then it was just a weekend.
Lotus that's spooky because you don't know me or her but you hit the nail right on the head with that assessment!
I really feel for you in your situation. Last night, I talked with my W and she finally after 2.5 years came completely clean on all of her indiscretions (read here). I can't say that hearing the truth is easy. MAJOR agonizing gut-punches, actually. But I needed to hear her confess directly to me the things I already knew (BTW, one of the encounters was with someone in our close circle of friends). I haven't had 2 years to detach like you have, and my W isn't wanting to come back, knowing that I will never be able to trust her again, so our sitches are different, but I understand your need to know...I'm just like you in that regard. I do feel a sense of relief of sorts. I know that it will eventually help provide me closure. If nothing else, it confirmed the path that I know I have to travel.
My heart is with you and your kids this Christmas.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Merry Christmas to you & your family, all the best to you in 2010!
The same goes for the rest of you db'ers, to every user on these forums, Merry Christmas to all of you, I wish you all some relief from your current situations, happiness in your hearts, peace in your minds, and belly pain from eating too much food during the christmas holidays!
As for me, I have a turkey to wrestle with and I'm gonna rip his guts out and baste his a$$ in butter!
I've got me kids all the way through until Monday.
We aren't wrassling no Turkey - kids prefer good amounts of Dungeness Crab for their Christmas dinner. I may throw in a few lobster tails with butter also.
