Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

I posted mysery loves company lyrics on P's thread. BUt I feel like I am going to have a string of bad days,like the movie Groundhog's Day. So back in 2001 I remember this song playing all the time on the top 40 radio station by Fuel:

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

No...

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day...again"

She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day..."

Ahh...ah ah...ahh...ah ah...alright
Oooh...ooh ooh
Ohhh...oh ohh...

[chatterbug]

Cutter, I was not offended that you got my story mixed up! I have gone back to reread your story or P's and others as well!
:-)

Do you have the same top ENs as my WH? Is your primary love language acts of service?

I do think your perspective can be useful but at the same time, you sound more mature than WH! And you tried to communicate with your WW about your needs, right?


I guess I could just use ideas

Mine is quality time. Then Acts of service and physical touch. Affirmation and receiving gifts are the lowest.

Yea I complained about the quality time. Quite abit.



And yes I was quiet about work and childhood. Nor did I ask too many questions on her past. I just liked being around. Same room or just the sound of her near by. That was what felt good. Always phoned 2 times a day. Planned out a nice dinner for her. And well she got in late from work. So had to watch tv or something like that. Which was kind of boring. Liked doing small thoughtful things for her. Little things. Like remove the snow from the car for her. Buy her a book on quotes of her fav. sport. make her cd's of music. She thought I was very set in my ways. Which I am. I am working on that. Getting out of patterns. I was a conflict avoider. Thats for sure. I know better now.

[newmama]

P17 posted a link in Daybyday's thread about going dark: the pros and cons and when and how to do it.I gathered these comments to be meaningful to me:

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you sucks. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.

You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on.

The key to DBing, whether it's the last resort, going dark, acting as if, or just focusing on the exceptions, is to try something, notice the results and allow those results to guide your future actions. Modify your approach if your spouse responds in undesirable ways. Keep doing what seems to be working. This sort of mind set will get you a lot further than trying to think of what's right or wrong. If your marriage becomes more loving, it's right. IF you push your spouse away and what you want is a close relationship, it's wrong. THis makes life somewhat simpler.

I feel somewhat inspired. I think my WH is not doing anything worse than he was; and he has been more positive in the last couple of months, but he is "flattening out" If I am wrong, someone please tell me! So I don't think I am pushing him away, but perhaps he is feeling comfortable? I suspect he is just doing things nicely out of guilt. I am worried a little if I change too abruptly it will push him away.

I did have a friend from a different forum tell me that he thinks my WH may be giving me a 180 of sorts with his extra good moods because he noticed I am going out. ???? Does this make sense?

I feel insane--up and down. Up and down.

[newmama]

Cutter, my WH did used to say that just being with me was what made him happy. He didn't call 2x per day though...we always only called each other before heading home from work. Our schedules were not in sync with me teaching all day and he had various meetings or being at his desk.

He is also BIG on affirmation, perhaps b/c he is less secure than you are? I love affirmation so I am insecure, too!

Liked doing small thoughtful things for her. Little things. Like remove the snow from the car for her. Buy her a book on quotes of her fav. sport. make her cd's of music. She thought I was very set in my ways.

THIS sounds JUST LIKE WH!! He was/is sooo thoughtful. I am a big picture person, so if I know he likes cigars or pinot noir for example, I would get him some of those things. But I would not notice the year and vineyard of the pinot noir he liked or the style of cigar (he indulges like 4xa year but still collects them!) He was detail person.

So, I am trying to be aware of those things. I am giving him a photo of S inside a picture frame that says I love my Daddy that he can put on his desk. I think this may count as a thoughtful gesture. I made sure he had fresh towels in the bathroom for S's bath instead of making him go to get them from the cupboard. He loves Mtn. Dew for a caffeine pick me up so I made sure it is stocked in the fridge. Are these things on the right track?

I used to show love to him with affection, admiration, and conversation.

[newmama]

OK WH will be here today, in a couple of hours. My plan:
8-10:30 workout,long shower
10:30-11:30 go to store, get lunch
11:30-12 visit with S
12-1:30 wrap presents
1:30-3:30 ???

maybe I'll adjust the schedule, go to a movie and get popcorn!
I will be in better spirits today.I will be in better spirits today.I will be in better spirits today.

[mindfull]

Newmama - Sounds like a productive day, mixed w/fun! Go to the movie! I want to see Blindsided, and my kids are at soccer camp all day. Wish you lived near! Have fun! Keep your spirits up

[chatterbug]

Cutter, my WH did used to say that just being with me was what made him happy. He didn't call 2x per day though...we always only called each other before heading home from work. Our schedules were not in sync with me teaching all day and he had various meetings or being at his desk.

He is also BIG on affirmation, perhaps b/c he is less secure than you are? I love affirmation so I am insecure, too!

Liked doing small thoughtful things for her. Little things. Like remove the snow from the car for her. Buy her a book on quotes of her fav. sport. make her cd's of music. She thought I was very set in my ways.

THIS sounds JUST LIKE WH!! He was/is sooo thoughtful. I am a big picture person, so if I know he likes cigars or pinot noir for example, I would get him some of those things. But I would not notice the year and vineyard of the pinot noir he liked or the style of cigar (he indulges like 4xa year but still collects them!) He was detail person.

So, I am trying to be aware of those things. I am giving him a photo of S inside a picture frame that says I love my Daddy that he can put on his desk. I think this may count as a thoughtful gesture. I made sure he had fresh towels in the bathroom for S's bath instead of making him go to get them from the cupboard. He loves Mtn. Dew for a caffeine pick me up so I made sure it is stocked in the fridge. Are these things on the right track?

I used to show love to him with affection, admiration, and conversation.

Think of it this way. ( My view on my self )

It was a very nice jesture that you picked up the wine and cigar. I would enjoy them very much because you took some time to pick up something that I enjoyed. Very thoughtful. But I would have rather gone out with you and picked them out and you explaining to me why that one caught your eye. Then buy them. That would have ment more.

Same with the Mtn. Dew. I would rather have gone shopping and got them. Spent time with you. Maybe get dragged around to look at some shoes. Maybe I take off to some electronic store. But were out together. And our independence is working together. Both doing different things. But at the same time we meet back up. Whats 15 to 20 minutes in an afternoon of puttering about.

My life before all this came down. Revolved around weekend daytrips. Little gardening. Wife home at 7 PM with dinner waiting. If we had sports then we would see each other later. Then she started to work more and more. So 7PM became 8PM. ( 1 hour commute each way ) But she would call. And at the end of the week. She would be beat. So I planned the weekend around the little things she would like. She complained about the commute and her work. I stated I did not like my work anymore.
Our weekends changed from puttering about to going to look at stuff to fix the kicthen. But she would not write anything down. Stick to a plan. So I got frustrated. Our precious time together was been destroyed.

So I would plan out vacations so we could find ourselves again. Spend hours and hours working on them. It felt like I was with her doing all this work and planning out our trip. Then we would go away and spend 2 weeks toghether. It would reset our clocks. We enjoyed each others company. Had a good time.

Then we would fall back into the routine again. So I started to add extra activities to do in the evenings because I was lonely. When I complained about it. I also stated I knew that this was small sacafrices to pay now for the future togheter when we could spend more time togheter.

Our last trip together was last fall. It was a veg and relax week at a resort. And we fell completely in love again. Our love was always there. But the inlove really kicked in.

Then came the promotions at work. And the conversations about how it was going to be very hard for me over the next few months to year as she was going to have to work many hours. My feelings of being a part time husband crept back. So I started to do more and more little things for her so we could spend time together. But at the same time I started to set up a different life for myself as well. I also started to drink lots of wine to avoid dealing with what was going on in my head.

As time went on. I felt that I was being taken advantage of. Here I was doing all the work around the house, cooking , cleaning and just being alone. While I had a full time job that was also time consuming. I just felt that I was being used. So now when she bought me a gift. I resented it. Here she was saying she was so busy with work but she could get me something after work that I could pick up myself. I wanted time together not gifts. I felt as if they were guilt gifts due to not seeing each other anymore. So I countered again by just saying I am not going to do these little things for her. Lets see if she will pick up the slack. Lets see if she still cares about her surroundings. Lets see if she cares about me. And I watched silently as everything fell apart in the house. I became depressed. Shut down. (This is when the EA started ... ) So now I would complain about the time apart. I would show how unhappy I was. And she would counter by working to 9pm and being sleepy all weekend. Or girls weekends. 3 real ones. One fake one. I knew the fake one because she brought back beer and cheese for me. But it was the experience of buying that beer and cheese I wanted. Not the beer and cheese.

I wrote her a six page letter telling her that the most important thing in the world to me was spending time with her. And I spilled my guts on the previous paragraphs. I gave it to her 2 days before D day.

It shocked her to the core. I opened up. I expressed how much I loved her.

I did notice that when she tossed out our keepsakes ( cards , etc ) she did not toss that letter out. I also noticed that when she used spite against me near the end. She took all her stuff that she needed and left her dress behind. Its the only thing that hangs up in one room. That was her attacking me via her love languages. Parting gifts to hurt. As its how she communicates. I also returned the favour. I denyed her music, pictures, and completely communicated to her that I would not do any little thoughtful things for her by using silence and in-difference. It is also being dark. But I knew I was using this as a weapon as well.

I do know she took that card and letter with her. Because she was very visual on leaving things behind. All her actions are very visual. Just like how mine are sutle.

Were your husband and I differed was that I took up coaching to counter the alone. I also took up red wine. I shut down. Escaped into my own world.

Would I have walked if this kept up??? I do not know the answer to that question. It is one I think about though. Her mom thought I was going to walk 5 years ago. When she was a "bitch on wheels" to quote her mom. I did not. Nor did I think I would. I stood firm and silent as a husband. And weathered the storm. And it is then when it started to spiral down. I will talk about that time frame in detail later. You have enough here to read.

Does this help you in anyway?

[newmama]

Cutter, thanks so much for your feedback! My WH also planned weekend getaways and trips for us! I did make an effort to plan weekend things but nothing major, visiting friends or going out to dinner. We fell into a routine many times. Last year, which is what is so puzzling, I totally found and planned lots of activities to do with him. Things were pickingup. He said he was ready to start a family. Perhaps it was too little too late since OW had started to work at his workplace and they had started to become friends-she had pursued pursued and I guess he gave in. ???

Mindfull, thanks for chiming in! I, too, wish I had some "single moms" to hang out with when WH is here. Maybe the moms from the single parent group would be interested. I found the group on meetup.com and there are groups all over the USA and the world.

I ended up not going to a movie. Was busy around the house and then ran errands, worked out,etc.

I gave WH his presents from us. He liked them and especially loved the I love Daddy picture frame with a photo of S. He went to the garage and came back with presents for me. As always, he was very thoughtful. One of the gifts was a stack of papers--I was thinking What the?
I opened them and they were print outs of different baby classes. He said that he wanted to pay for a class per month while I was at home with our S and found some but told me that he would be open to whatever classes I wanted. I was so touched!He also got me a very nice Cuisinart immersion blender.
I mentioned how I wanted one once, and, just like heis, he remembered.

I couldn't help but chuckle that he hid the present for me in the garage. Gee, couldn't keep it at your empty apartment? Or at OW's place? Guess she doesn't know. ha ha.

Today I managed to be pleasant and civil. He arrived with starbucks for me without asking me, even the size I like. He was sure to check with me as he did stuff with S to see if it fit the routine we usually follow. I told him he was doing a great job taking care of S and seemed to have it down. I could tell that compliment meant a lot to him because he puffed up his chest a little and got a proud look on his face!

Now, like I mentioned before, (or did I?) It does concern me that he has taken my demeanor to mean that I am totally fine with the coparenting situation and that it will all be okay if he divorces me. I want to think positive thoughts but it is so hard because I don't want to be devestated if he brings up divorce next month.

I do want to call my DB coach but don't know if I should save the last session for if he brings up D. I never asked what to say.

What about "Well, you know I don't want the divorce. I would rather be separated as you work things out instead of going through the divorce. Please only do this if you are 100% sure."
I WANT to say "you and I and everyone all know that your relationship with OW will not last. It is just a fact. Please don't throw away our marriage because you will totally regret it. I plan ondating and meeting someone special and you will be alone" Of course I CAN'T say that. But I fantasize about it.

I pray to God that things are rocky between them, that he is just trying to get through the holidays and that maybe as soon as next month he will come to his senses.

[newmama]

I found this from Jo Jo's Circus in the Piecing forum:

These are the things that I hope to coninue to carry over into 2010

Faith: Believing in something even if you can't see it.

Hope: The feeling of that which is wanted can be.

Love: Unconditionally.

I hope that each and everyone here finds these things in the coming year!

Merry Chritmas everyone, and may the new year be a new beginning.

JAK

Very inspiring.

[avermont]

Hi cutter and newmama--

Catching up on the threads. Will read LL on my journeys.

Frustrated still, as ever, that I don't have any opportunity to "see what works." If NC, NC! Can't try flirty; can't try aloof (though we know aloof is more of the same!). Sorry if I sound like a broken record.

So while it will be good for future R's to know about LL, at this point I could be an expert on what X would respond well to, but no way to show him.

After the holidays I may try some contact. I know, I know, but the mantra of DB is "try something; monitor; change if necessary." If silence from me brings silence from him...try something else?

Again, it would just be little check in emails about town activities, funny stories, that sort of thing. All I can do is monitor results, right?

I won't do the above, though, without a lot of thought and input from this group!

Let's just get Xmas and NYE over with, and proceed to a new year. This would be a good time for someone to invent suspended animation--just wake up on Jan. 4th and start over.