But then, I think that we have hurt each other enough at this point. Isn't it worth another try? Aren't our kids worth it? Aren't we? I understand the answers to these questions, at least I think I do. But the questions illustrate my frustration. That I know we can make this work - but I DON't KNOW for HER. I just know she has apparently shut the door on working on us. For her, she would rather be alone than with me. And that cuts about as deeply as anything can.
Well put. Summarizes rather succinctly and painfully the frustration of so many of us.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I had the same exact feelings/thoughts as I was reading SC's post yesterday. It really struck a nerve with me. It is really hard to imagine that my STBXW was feeling that way, but it is reality.
Geez, from what I'm reading I don't know if I want to go over and read SCs post...
Originally Posted By: pitinmygut
I think one of the most confusing/depressing aspects of all of this for most LBS, is that the WAS is willing to be alone and deal with any hardships that come along with that, then to remain married to us and trying to make it work.
Amen.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I don't want my W to have a terrible life, nor do I wish any ill will upon her. But, it would be nice to hear one day that she made a mistake. But by then, it won't matter. Maybe I am still struggling with the "WHY" and hearing her say she made a mistake would somehow justify my thoughts/beliefs. Would be a hollow "victory," if a victory at all. A bit of a ramble now.
I fight feelings of resentment/anger, then read a post like Smartcookie's yesterday, and it is the first time in several months when I was brought to tears. As I read her post, I saw a lot of my sitch, or at least the way I suspect my W perceives it. Logical side said to stop reading, it's gonna hurt. But, I couldn't stop reading. And it DID HURT, a lot.
The thought that she can see me the way SC discussed her H is VERY painful.
But then, I think that we have hurt each other enough at this point. Isn't it worth another try? Aren't our kids worth it? Aren't we? I understand the answers to these questions, at least I think I do. But the questions illustrate my frustration. That I know we can make this work - but I DON't KNOW for HER. I just know she has apparently shut the door on working on us. For her, she would rather be alone than with me. And that cuts about as deeply as anything can.
Wow! I can relate to so much of what you say here GIMA.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I think you are doing great. I have been exactly where you are now and allowed myself to have expectations (and it's REALLY hard not to when things seem to be going so well). Those ended up biting me in the a$$.
Just do your best. And I will keepyou in my thoughts and prayer. Have a great Holiday. I will be around. It's either that or hang with the STBX In-laws! I like you guys more.
Thanks GIMA - please do stick around - I'll be here too - trying to keep my expectations in check
Update from yesterday, which included a significant conversation, for me at least. In-laws rolled into town - they are staying at a hotel.
On Tuesday, W took kids to the zoo with another friend of S9's. She had told me another child who was visiting from out of town would be joining them as well. The visiting child, and his father, knows my W's step brother. What I had not been told before the zoo trip was that visiting child's father (who has been M'd twice, and I think is currently D'd) was also going. The visiting child's father is friends with W's step-brother and W (she has known him since before me). I found out visiting child's father went when S9 told me who went. This bothered me but I did not know the best way to handle it.
Yesterday, I received a call from a friend who is going through a D - his W and my W are friends (but maybe for not much longer). Friend and his W were arguing yetsreday, and his W blurted out during the argument that my W and her L were going to take me to the cleaners in the D and that I was an abusive drunk towards my W. WTF?
After getting some great advice from a good friend, I knew I had to talk to W about these issues. So, when I came home yesterday, in-laws had already arrived. W went to a different floor of the house alone, so I decided now was the time to discuss these things. I went to where she was and said I needed to talk about two things. First, I thought she needed to know what her "friend" was saying about us and told W what her friend said. I told W I hoped she was not doing what her friend said and that I did not think W would do something like that - lawyering up and trying to take advantage of me. W said she had repeatedly told her friend to stop talking about us and that she could no longer be friends with this person now. W at least gave the appearance that she was angry with her friend. W then said her friend's H could be lying to me - I agreed that was possible (anyone can lie about anything, and I wasn't there for the conversation) but added he has no reason to lie to me and nothing to gain by lying to me, which is true. W did not have a reply to that. W repeated that she would have a talk with her friend and that she could no longer be her friend. I said, again, I was merely passing along what I had been told and that I thought the statements were hurtful and offensive.
Second, I told W that I did not know that visiting child's father would be at the zoo, and that I should have been told beforehand. I told W I did not think she was on a date or that she was up to no good (and I don't, but the radar is up quite a bit higher now). She said her step brother had called her and asked if visiting child and his father could go to the zoo with them since they would be visiting from out of town. I said, again, I was not told the father would be there and that I should have been - the issue is that I was not told. W then said she had known this child's father for a long time (which I knew). I said again, calmly, that the problem I had was that she had not told me before the zoo trip that he would be there.
I maintained my composure the entire time during the discussion, not once losing my cool. And when it was done, I felt better. I said what I needed to say, not in a condemning way, but in a "I have a problem with this and here is what I expect to happen in the future...Do not do these things again" kind of way.
Mornin' GIMA. You did good. Gotta think more and more about what is best for GIMA. It's certainly not selfish at this point...it's survival.
Thanks. I think I did well too. Really wasn't about getting any reaction/result from her. It was about a couple of things that bothered me that I needed to get off my chest. What she chooses to do with those things is her business. I just didn't want to carry those negative thoughts/feelings around.
So, last night W mentions that she and her parents are taking the kids to a movie today. She does not ask me to go or mention that I can join them, and I think she assumes that an invite is assumed. Well, it's not.
I will pass on the movie simply b/c I don't want to go. Why waste the $ for a ticket for myself to see a movie I don't want to see. I have skipped some movies with the kids in the past.
I like you guys more. 