Peace, My ex is so much like yours. Same behaviors, your boundary setting is good. I have found that is necessary to survive this mess. I refuse to be my ex's scapegoat for his anger. I wonder who he is yelling at now.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Nothing new with my xh no calls no visits no nothing I think I have let him go the business is doing well I have learned more about it and its like a third child needs a lot of attention and care Im OK though I love working and learning more there
Things ok with BF--very good actually
He sems to be more serious than I am
I enjoy our time together but I am very busy with work and kids so my time is limited and this other man started pursuing me. He owns a company we frequently but from so Im not sure what to do--I like him too would like to get to know him better
never been so popular!!
I want to do the right thing by bf but I am not M or committed but im not sure I would like it if BF was flirting and thinking about dating another so HS and complicted I guess I have lessons to learn here to I am too busy for all of this and im not 15 peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
XH remains totally Dark He has not visited the kids in weeks no return calls It is so weird NO support at all the kids are asking less about him they are not calling him as much as he doesnt reply even from their phones the kids are adjusting and continuing with their lives
I still have a hard time understanding what really happened I still habe dreams like nightmares about the bomb I guess im still trying to figure it all out I know I had to get him out of the business he was wrecking it the truth is and I guess its still hard and a big adjustment is we are better off without him he was too unstable I feel like I tried to keep it /him together throughout the crises I covered for him at work and with the kids all the while he has been a big A$$ I was stable cordial helpful and polite to him I was a good secretary at work I was flexible with his unavailability and self absorbsion I covered for him and I may have stopped his bottom
until now I stopped covering there is some guilt involved with beling the caretaker and stopping I know I did whats best and right I have to let it all go I couldnt have made the ending any different
I still want it to end different seems unfair after all the pain and struggles it ends dark I have changed and Im grateful for me I got me and I like my life I have everything I want except a friendship with X I still want that but I want a respectful friendship..maybe I cant ask him to be someone he is not I do not want the M just a friendship Why maybe for me maybe for the kidas Im not sure?? any thoughts appreciated Thansk for reading peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, Your h has a ways to go and he's not at the point where you can actually be "friends". He's still in replay and the depression has a very strong hold on him. From your posting, I suspect he's got some major withdrawal going on too.
I know that you would have liked to have had a different ending, but sometimes the ending is written differently by the man upstairs and we have no control over it.
You, like all of us here, were the fixers. We were the ones that took care of everything and they didn't have to do the real work to make the relationship and all areas of their lives better. The crisis in many instances will change that for them and then some will realize what they had and lost; others won't and they are the ones lost forever.
You did the best you could and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You had to find a way to survive and for the business to survive. I would have done the same as you when it came to the business. Please so not feel guilty about your decisions. Remember, he is a grown man who should have taken steps to work on himself and that included seeking medical attention. However, instead of doing the real work, he choose the path of least resistance and ran.
In time, he will want to be friends, but the time is not right at this moment. Be patient. Keep the focus on you, your family and the business.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's understandable that you are still trying to figure things out. Throughout your S, your H maintained consistent contact with you and now he has gone completely dark. You've hit a new stage and just like you adjusted to H not living in the house with you, you'll adjust to not being in contact with him. It's sad for the kids for them to be learning the truth about their father through his own actions. My S has already figured out that he can't depend on his dad and it's heartbreaking (although I have to say that that is slowly changing for him, so it's possible that no permanent damage is being done).
I think it's great that you have a distraction in bf. But at the same time, without thinking about it too much, maybe you need to try to find some closure on your own regarding XH so he's not haunting your subconscious and affecting your emotions.
I love that you still have hope that things will end on a good note. Shows what a kind heart you have. I think as long as you keep that hope with you, things WILL end differently (even if you're not together). It's just that now is not the time.
"In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end."
still no contact xh noy answewring any calls he left a message at office last week from a customer he is totally dark I hope he is ok
all here continues to be good the kids ask less about him my son did say this--wanted me to Marry BF so he can have a dad that is sad I reminded him that God is his father maybe they feel hurt but they seem to just continue on we do not focus on him I know its there but there seems to be too much good happening also and we are all healing
happy holidays to all peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, I'm very sorry to read that he's not answering any calls, but he may be in a very dark place right now and needs the "alone time". I know you are concerned about his well being, but he's got to do this on his own. When he's ready, he'll be in contact w/someone.
Healing takes time and I'm sure your children are holding up the best they can as well. Life is starting to turn around for you and I'm very happy to see the good things starting to fall into place for you and your family. You've been at this such a long time and deserve the very best that life offers.
I do hope that you and your family have a blessed and safe holiday season.
Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly thanks-- I so hope I will see the stages unfold and xh will once again become consistant in his visits with the kids I still hold on to hope that MLC is real and xh will pass thru it sucessfully..from all ive read and heard here then maybe this would make sense like you said maybe he is in a dark place i still would like to see this end differently I still am baffled by the whole thing and how a man so committed to his kids would finally abandon them totally I am grateful ive seen it thru this long and we are all ok
happy holidays to you as well peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
