Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[chatterbug]

Newmama. I truly wish to apologize. I read your story. Read some more stories. Got mixed up. And posted. I learned a lesson. To reread.

But....

I do think I can really help you. I understand what your husband felt. I think as we talk this all out. You will see this. I am just 6 years ahead in years.


And your girlfriend today. You are lucky. Guys we do not have that. Its a huge difference. You lean on your girls. And you make sure when they lean on you. You are there. You do not need any man when you got good girls. Remember that.

Ask any question and I will answer them. I truly believe I can give you a different shade of grey on the answers. Close but not 100%

[sgctxok]

Worrying about cake eating leads to conversations about boundaries. Talks about boundaries will not work.

Now....do not pre-plan and ASK him if he can babysit. Just tell him you'll be back in a couple of hours. And then do that. Whereveryo yuou go .....LAUGH. LAUGH YOUR ARSE OFF.

So, don't discuss boundaries--just set them? Is this what you mean?

exactly
you don't really have an audience when you're talking anyway

[newmama]

Cutter, I was not offended that you got my story mixed up! I have gone back to reread your story or P's and others as well!
:-)

Do you have the same top ENs as my WH? Is your primary love language acts of service?

I do think your perspective can be useful but at the same time, you sound more mature than WH! And you tried to communicate with your WW about your needs, right?


I guess I could just use ideas

[newmama]

oops-meant to finish--

So I would really appreciate more ideas for ways I can show that I have improved my ways. Or what you think he would appreciate.Your tupperware idea would have been 100% if we were together!

I need to work on asking him new things about himself without being obvious. He has made this so hard in the past (after our initial courtship phase) that I may have just given up after getting yes or no answers and little elaboration. For example, when I ask him about his work, he barely says anything, or if he would ever want to do _ and why. Or about childhood--he "doesn't remember." And I am the one who brings up things to talk about. This aspect of our relationship has always frustrated me but I just assumed it would get easier as we built a history together and as I helped him feel more comfortable or secure. It's not silent between us, but I need conversation about personal stuff to feel close. I also didn't want to hurt his feelings or alarm him by bringing this up (dumb, I know. I dated a lot before WH but relationships lasted 6 months; 1 lasted 1 year. Inexperienced.)

BTW, the thread from Marriagebuilders that was pretty close to my sitch was Kloe72 from 2003. In her case, she was separated 7 months prior to her baby being born. He started coming by to help around the house (she was pregnant) and she plan A'd him. Then when the baby was born, WH moved in just to help with the baby but ended up staying and they worked things out. But both of them never discussed their relationship or the future. They both avoided it until WH brought it up after he decided to stay with her. He said he missed his life and he just got tired of doing the bachelor thing while seeing OW. He dropped her suddenly when he made up his mind to work things out.

[newmama]

Okay this morning I am feeling better. In reality, nothing bad happened last night other than WH arriving in an upbeat mood. I need to be patient, letting my actions chip, chip away! I also need to create distance to let him miss me.

I think just as WH might be normalizing, I am getting used to his "niceness" and am not reading into as much as I was. Like so what? He still has't left OW.

On the otherhand, it did take about 8 weeks before WH told me that he noticed I was cooking different dishes and that he thought it was impressive.

Tonight I will figure out a better evening routine. Here is what I have been doing and WH (approximate):

5:45-6:30 work out on elliptical watching DVD (loud)
WH is playing with S, feeds him, then gives him a bath
6:30-6:50 freshen up
WH is playing with S or bath
6:50-7:15ish cook dinner (I prep it before WH gets here)
WH is giving S evening bottle
7:15-8:15 eat dinner, watch TV/chat with WH
WH is putting S to sleep, then eats dinner. Hangs out until 8 or 8:15

Tomorrow when he is here on his day off, he might be expecting me to do something special like I did for Thanksgiving. But I wasn't planning on it. Just give him 2 presents from S and I (totally common even w/ divorced couples to gt gifts from the kids). Good or bad idea to not do something special like Thanksgiving?

[P17]

If it's tomorrow (ie. the 23rd) then it's not a traditionally special night so why would you do something special? I wouldn't bother.

He expects you to do it ... do a 180.

Just my 2p worth.

[ravenly1974]

I agree w/ P17 - don't do anything special.

[newmama]

ok--I won't! thanks, guys! Good to get your 2p, P17! It's probably worth morethan 2 cents!

[P17]

ok--I won't! thanks, guys! Good to get your 2p, P17! It's probably worth morethan 2 cents!

Probably worth about 1.4 cents ... just roughly

[newmama]

Man, it must be Christmas coming up. I just feel soooo pissed off that he is still with OW. The weird thing is that normally a year goes by and it feels like a year. Because crap was going down this time last year, I can remember so many things as if they happened a month ago. It really seems like yesterday that we were preparing for my family to come over, the lights were on the house, the tree was up...on Christmas last year he got me a digital photo picture frame. Tonight he goes to get it so I can transfer photos of our son onto it. I can't remember if I brought it up, probably. But I hope he remembers the dirty secret he was keeping when he bought it for me.Tomorrow he will transfer photos from my laptop to the memory card and set up the picture frame.

Tonight I just felt so pissed off and distant. He arrived in a good mood again. Instead of working out, I started dinner then left to go to a nearby store to pick up some stuff. I came back and continued dinner. Because my aunt came over to visit, our S didn't get his usual naps and was tired (again). So we ate dinner together and then he put him to bed. He said he likes to wait an extra 15 or 20 minutes or so to make sure he is asleep. I realized that's why he hangs out extra. I should have known.



So I need to prepare myself for the worst. I will get through this. I will be okay. The thing is, I could forgive him for betraying me but I don't know how I can forgive him for taking my son from me if we D. He will be a good dad, it's just that I could have had my son full time and could have had a family. Instead, I will see my son part time. I feel my blood boil at the thought as well as my heart implode....again.