Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Who ever cooks makes for the both of you. So if he is making something he cooks extra and puts it in a tupperware container for you. You do the same for him.

Yes, BUT I have been cooking now 99% time. So how do I transition to sharing that responsibility with him? Please help explain. And do you mean literally scooping it into tupperware? I can envision cooking it but leaving it on the stove for him to help himself although that is how I have been doing it. So...?

I think it's time that I explain how I took him for granted. Now I do know that ultimately, HE is the one who is responsible fo his A, due to self esteem issues. But let me reveal my wrongdoings:
1) I worked 60hours per week (from 2004-2008; 2008 I slowed down and he started A)
2)I talked to fellow teacher girlfriends on the phone, venting, 3-4 nights per week
3)I neglected housework; we were 50% but b/c I worked so hard and was burned out, I just wanted to "veg" on the weekends and he silently picked up the slack
4) he cooked 90% time
5) he managed 100% finances/bills
6) he worked on house
7) he comforted/supported me
8) he listened to me
9) he spent time with me; we were joined at the hip


My contributions? Admiration-I expressed how grateful I was and let him know he did a great job at whatever he did. Companionship.Affection. Sex.(lots at first, then little, then working back up to "medium") Unconditional love. I planned our activities.

So yes, I contributed emotionally. But I neglected him when I worked extra and talked on the phone (minimum 45 minutes), and he took care of all the other stuff that goes into living with someone. He told me that he just did those things so they would get completed and he doesn't care who does it. But I found it hard to believe. I told him he would get resentful. I didn't know how to get closer to him; how to talk about feelings and fears and to ask him about his. We are both conflict avoiders.

[chatterbug]

Who ever cooks makes for the both of you. So if he is making something he cooks extra and puts it in a tupperware container for you. You do the same for him.

Yes, BUT I have been cooking now 99% time. So how do I transition to sharing that responsibility with him? Please help explain. And do you mean literally scooping it into tupperware? I can envision cooking it but leaving it on the stove for him to help himself although that is how I have been doing it. So...?

I think it's time that I explain how I took him for granted. Now I do know that ultimately, HE is the one who is responsible fo his A, due to self esteem issues. But let me reveal my wrongdoings:
1) I worked 60hours per week (from 2004-2008; 2008 I slowed down and he started A)
2)I talked to fellow teacher girlfriends on the phone, venting, 3-4 nights per week
3)I neglected housework; we were 50% but b/c I worked so hard and was burned out, I just wanted to "veg" on the weekends and he silently picked up the slack
4) he cooked 90% time
5) he managed 100% finances/bills
6) he worked on house
7) he comforted/supported me
8) he listened to me
9) he spent time with me; we were joined at the hip


My contributions? Admiration-I expressed how grateful I was and let him know he did a great job at whatever he did. Companionship.Affection. Sex.(lots at first, then little, then working back up to "medium") Unconditional love. I planned our activities.

So yes, I contributed emotionally. But I neglected him when I worked extra and talked on the phone (minimum 45 minutes), and he took care of all the other stuff that goes into living with someone. He told me that he just did those things so they would get completed and he doesn't care who does it. But I found it hard to believe. I told him he would get resentful. I didn't know how to get closer to him; how to talk about feelings and fears and to ask him about his. We are both conflict avoiders.

Wow those 9 items.. Newmama. Its like looking in a mirror. Except housework I was 100% and the A.

Its very hard to be a giver all the time. It actually makes you depressed. The balance keeps shifting and shifting. So difficult to come out of. And after awhile you give up inside. Go through the motions. Every once in awhile you pop up and try to change everything. Nothing changes so you go back to giving and giving. As its the only thing you know and understand. You want to say something. But at the same time your just afraid, because you know the taker will just take the words and you are still left with nothing. You become very lonely with the woman you love. This carries on for a few years. Then one of you frack up and step out. Either the entitled one. Or the giver wants to be a taker for awhile. Take from the other and punish you by making you be the giver. I understand this very well. You were his bell and he loved you very much. So he planned doing things around making spare time to be with you. And it was not veg he wanted. But to do things together. I shelled. And he commited adultery. Both cries for change and help.

Comming from there.

I really think your 180's and Plan A activities need to be based around giving.

Not direct giving. But indirect giving. Cleaning, cooking, doing stuff around the house. Not vegging. Activities.

The cooking thing is easy.

Go buy those new glass tupperware continers with the snap lids.
Get rid of all the old plastic ones.

Bring them home and the next 2 meals you cook. Cook enough for dinner and lunch.

When he gets home. Tell him dinner and lunch are in the fridge. Highlight the new containers you got. And talk about the snap lids and how stuff can stay fresh for a week.

Then do this again the next night.

Monitor results.

Then a few days later mention a meal of his you like and ask him if he makes it to make some extra for dinner for you and lunch.

Just leave it at that.

[newmama]

Comming from there.

I really think your 180's and Plan A activities need to be based around giving.

Not direct giving. But indirect giving. Cleaning, cooking, doing stuff around the house. Not vegging. Activities.

So are you saying you were like WH? Giver?

I think I'm on track...been doing cleaning and stocking up on foods he likes,and I was buying him other little gifts but that was not received well (i.e. "thanks!" and left it here)

About lunch...he is living with OW so I don't think he will take the lunch home.

About activities...we were actually doing lots of fun stuff the summer before he started the A. I thought we had turned a corner! But should I be doing activities with him now? I would be happy to but I thought I was going to start to pull away so he can miss me and pursue me.

[newmama]

should I go with WH and S to his sister's house next Sunday or not?

[chatterbug]

Bah I was thinking for some reason he had moved back. I forgot the arrangement you had set up. Sorry. No carry on with your current path. But keep up with the cooking and cleaning

[newmama]

I need to clarify that I didn't just sit on my butt while he did everything...I did get better at beating him to the dishes laundry and I always cleaned the toilets although I think men should since they are more messy! ;-) But I slacked on mopping and vacuuming and definitely cooking/bills.

I guess I just want to say I KNOW I had my faults and definitely needed to improve. But he wasn't perfect and I didn't cheat! I have tight boundaries in the real world. Guess he didn't.

[ravenly1974]

Here is my personal opinion - no matter how messy/slobby/lazy you were as a wife/mate/partner, that is no reason to cheat. It just isn't. Cheating is by far one of the most painful things you can do to someone. Those two things just don't compare.

Now, put the shoe on the other foot...Had HE been working 60+ hours per week, would you have stepped in to do more? How much free time did he have versus you? I know when my H worked a bunch of overtime last winter, and I had a week off, I took over everything. I didn't become resentful or fall out of love or fall into love with someone else because of it. H does a little bit more than me because he is crazy OCD about things being spotless and clean 100% of the time. He has assured me a zillion times he is not resentful because of it. We've talked a lot about this issue because I do more stuff with the kids and feel it winds up evening out.

I guess what my point is that I don't think you should beat yourself up or take the blame for his actions. I definately think becoming cleaner and a better cook are things that you can do to improve yourself and let him see those changes as positives, but not as an excuse for his behavior.

As far as the going with him, I really don't know. It seems like a huge step in the right direction in terms of him inviting you. I do wonder what OW would think if she knew you two were going to be hanging out at his family's??? I would think that would be extremely upsetting to her if she knew...I am so evil though I would probably go and then make sure it got back to her so she would fight with him on it...LOL But I am a meanie like that! You seem really nice!

[Day by Day]

Newmama, I think you are shouldering a lot of unfair blame for the A. I totally agree with ravenly... WAH made the choice to have the A--he crossed that line. You do seem like such a wonderful person. I see how hard you are trying. That's a lot of love!!

[newmama]

I guess what my point is that I don't think you should beat yourself up or take the blame for his actions. I definately think becoming cleaner and a better cook are things that you can do to improve yourself and let him see those changes as positives, but not as an excuse for his behavior

.

Thank you Ravenly and Dbd as well! I don't always blame myself, but at the same time want to be honest about the balance being off in our relationship. A big part of Plan A really is about meeting our WS's emotional needs, right? What's funny is that domestic house hold duties wasn't in the top 5 when he filled out the emotional needs questionnaire. Instead he had (not in this order)affection, attractive spouse, sexual fulfillment, openness and honesty (HA!) and admiration.

I think that acts of service are his love language so that is why I am working on the domestic stuff. IN addition to just having fun with a new hobby (cooking) and feeling good about having a pretty clean house all the time.

I am improving my looks and giving him compliments which I was pretty good at doing in the past as well but probably overlooked some things he did all the time.
Or I wasn't thanking him in his love language.

I can't really give him affection or sex right now (my boundary) and I am trying to be mysterious, so being open and honest is out the window.

My needs were (not in this order)affection, openness and honesty, admiration, attractive spouse and conversation. SF was #6 but to me, affection can count as SF too so I had a tough time deciding. WH had recreational activities as #6 and conversation was 7 or 8. So we had 4/5 top emotional needs in common.

Now I am joining the others on the forum who are cycling down. I am just discouraged. I mean I still feel like I am a catch and that WH should be afraid to lose me. That is still there. But I am crying right now.

When he came over he was in the best, upbeat *&^% mood. He arrived that way. It made me be in a bad mood but I forced myself to stay neutral and work on sounding cheery.

Well I just wish he went out of town or something for a week. I could use a break from all of this, It's very hard. Like P said, I think he is normalizing.

Today he told me that he was working a half day tomorrow so he could either come early and leave early or just do the regular time (5:30-8:00ish), "no biggee" I already invited my aunt to come visit so I told him that the regular time would be fine.

I tried to change the order of making dinner first, then working out and showering in order to suck up the time. However, he came over earlier than usual. So I had an extra 40 minutes to kill. I made the dinner, chatted kind of, and then when it came to using the elliptical it hurt my stomach because I was full from dinner!

So I had to stop after only 28 minutes. Well, on top of that, our S was super tired because I took him to visit a friend of mine who lives out of town so he didn't get his naps. He ended up going to bed early.

I called 3 different people and got voicemail so I wasn't able to talk on the phone. Arghhh! So I came downstairs and ended up surfing the net while we watched TV for 45 minutes. He always leaves at 8 or 8:15 for some reason; tonight S was totally out by 7:30ish and he hung around until 8. I dont know if it is because of his anal retentive nature or what?

He was thoughtful and closed up the patio door, cleaned up after dinner and put the food in tupperware. Later when I asked him if he would eat it, he said it was good, but no (we had chili nachos) and I told him I wouldn't eat it either. So then he went to the fridge and took it out and threw it away so that I wouldn't have to procrastinate on tossing it.

I think I may have mentioned this before but I starting to worry that he is being friendly because he thinks "See? I knew we could coparent and stay friends!" I know that is mind reading. My fantasy is that he is being nice in order to keep me interested until Dec 26 when he dumps OW. Hahaha! Come on, it has been 9 months almost!Again, if she were different I would be more threatened but I know it will end!

Also, going to his sister's house to see his mom may be more of the above...that he can show we can co parent and stay friends. I just saw his mom and sister the other week when I invited them to come and see S at our house. So I don't need to see them really.

And I think 2 other times during our Separation we have gone together to visit his family. So I think it would be a 180 if I didn't go. I could just wait until Sunday and when he shows up, say "you know, I really need to put away the Christmas stuff! I think I'll stay here this time and you can go ahead! Say hi to your mom for me!"

I am open to disagreement but just wanted to explain my thinking. Does it make sense? (to not go with him) Or not? Opinions please.

[newmama]

Oh and Ravenly, I seriously doubt he tells OW the truth about what we do together. It would just upset her. He can't have that now can he?

Another thing...he said he could give our S his present on his day off (Wed) unless I wanted to make him wait until Christmas (Fri). I did get him a couple of gifts...just his favorite whiskey and a starbucks gift card. I also got him stocking stuffers but I decided not to give them or put up his stocking-only our son's stocking is hanging.

Oh and I love my friend that I visited today! She gave me earrings and perfume and an outfit for S. She said she gave me "romantic" gifts because she knew I wouldn't be getting any this year. How sweet of her!

ANd when I arrived at my house I had flowers on my step, delivered from a friend I met on another infidelity forum! So thoughtful!! You can imagine that at first my heart skipped and I hoped they were from WH. BUt he has only ordered flowers for me once and rarely brought them for me. (I am such an old fashioned girl- flowers, chocolate, perfume, jewelry are all my favorites!)