My response to checking up on your new thread: - if you wanted to, you could move to "separated - now what" forum until you are actually divorcing...that's actually where I guess I should be...
- Allowing her the chance to experience the consequences of her own choices IS LOVING HER, as opposed to not being codependant, where she can blame her feelings on you. You are giving her back her life, her experiences, her emotions, without clouding them with yours. That is love. And detachment (see - I've learned a lot from you!).
Pretty good day for me. S9 had his first basketball game. Got to the gym, W sits on small set of bleachers with D6. I stand about 5 feet from her. After about 10 minutes, W asks if I want to sit down and begins moving over so I can sit next to her. "No, I'm good." About 30 minutes later, I sat with D6 on the row in front of W. Played and laughed a lot with D6.
After lunch, I went out and did some shopping for the kids. In the past, I let W pick things out for them and would occasionally get something for them. This year, I will buy presents for the kids. I had a great time picking things out for them. Things they have told me they wanted and that I knew W had not bought for them. Wrapped up the presents and labelled them from "Santa." Taking the high road here. I know who bought these presents for them (and by the marginal wrapping of them anyone will know) and that's good enough for me.
We were supposed to go to my borothers and SIL's for present exchange and dinner tomorrow. This is my SIL who had the discussion with W last week when W said she wasn't going to MC for our relationship. W told me she wasn't going b/c SIL told W W was not welcome in SIL's home - uh, no, that's not true.
I wrestled with what I should do (and W assumed I was going with the kids). I decided not to go solely b/c the kids don't know we are splitting. A gathering like this is something more serious than just a movie or game. If W doesn't go, S9 will be EXTREMELY suspicious. I don't want to risk him being flipped out during what will be our last Christmas together.
Anyway, today, W asks what time "we" (the kids and I) will be leaving for my brother's tomorrow. I tell her we aren't going. She seems perplexed.
Earleir in the day, she also stated, somewhat snidely, "I guess I won't buy anything more for the kids since I don't know what you bought them today." I responded very calmly that I was happy to tell her what I got them, just not while they are in hearing distance. "Oh, ok."
Later, I sent W an email (she's running errands) to tell her what I got the kids and that I labelled all the gifts from "Santa."
I was thinking today how I had thought this Christmas would be a sad one since it will be our last together. But, I'm not sad. I will have a great time with the kids, but there is a part of me that is ready to get this holiday season over so we can move on with our lives.
I feel a new strength, confidence, and peace. I have no attraction to my W, but I'm not angry with her. I feel very in control. Right now, I am more excited about what life has in store for me in the future than I feel I will miss W. It's actually difficult for me to see myself M'd to the woman my W has become.
That's a tough one with the SIL. If you are not going to go then take the kids to a movie or something else simple and fun, drive around and look at lights?
The kids are more aware then you realise. You know how much I told you that you are being watched, well your kids are part of who is watching you. They are more aware then you might think. What was your experience as a boy with home strife?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hey Coach. I grew up with LOTS of strife. My parents fought constantly (and loudly) in front of us. NOT what I have ever done (we didn't fight much at all).
I fully understand your feelings towards your W...I have the same ones for my W as well. I don't like the person my W has become either. The only difference is that anger/resentment has been peppering my mind of late. I try to keep away from these emotions for the sake of my kids, but it's tough.
I see limboland ending for the both of us very shortly.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Hi GIMA - I heard the Limbo Train is leaving the station soon, and I think I'll be needing a one-way ticket, too. You sound really good. Best wishes for the holidays. Bittersweet, but oddly a relief, no? Peace. Goldey
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
GIMA, I think we've all seen this coming, but you seem to be in a good place with yourself.....and life. I hope you won't leave us for a while.....cause I'm selfish and like your company. You have kind words for people and I think you are helpful to others.
I hope you know you have a special place in my heart and I pray for your happiness. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and that your new year will be a great one.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi GIMA - I heard the Limbo Train is leaving the station soon, and I think I'll be needing a one-way ticket, too. You sound really good. Best wishes for the holidays. Bittersweet, but oddly a relief, no? Peace. Goldey
There's room on the train. I might even let you drive!
GIMA, I think we've all seen this coming, but you seem to be in a good place with yourself.....and life. I hope you won't leave us for a while.....cause I'm selfish and like your company. You have kind words for people and I think you are helpful to others.
I hope you know you have a special place in my heart and I pray for your happiness. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and that your new year will be a great one.
Sandi
Thanks Sandi. I really appreciate the time you have taken with me. Your perspective is priceless.
I'm not going anywhere. And regardless what happens with my M, I plan on sticking around here. I have taken so much, I am too much in debt to everyone here to go silent. So, I promise not to leave here if you promise to stick around too.
I had hoped one day to be in a place with my M that my W might be one of the contributors here in the context of how we were able to save our M, but that simply doesn't appear to be what the future holds for me. I have, however, gained the strength here to make it through whatever the future holds.
I know you guys probably saw where I would end up WAY before me. And, I probably needed this time to reach that realization and build my strength for the next step.
Keep praying for all of us here - I do and will continue to do so.
Technology is a funny thing (and amazing). So many of us here helping each other - total strangers who would, but for the internet - have never crossed paths. Strange to be able to say I feel closer to many of the people here than I do to many of the "friends" I have in the "real world."
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too. And I hope we all have a better New Year.
