Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Cutter, your explanation about the forum makes complete sense! Yes, we are a bit more free here. I do not see any flirtatious comments as serious, whether they are from me or someone else! I am grateful that P, you, DBD, bestrong, ravenly started replying to me! It is nice to know others are supportive or willing to give me a push in a scary direction. And I am happy to offer the same to you all. HUGS!

Well, when WH got back with our S, I made sure to wear one of my new flattering shirts with my flattering jeans. Contacts were in, hair and make up were done. I caught him check me out this time.
I reminded him that his sister was babysitting S tonight (it came up).

Before he left he just said "see you guys tomorrow--be good to your auntie." He did not tell me to have fun. He didn't tell me on Wednesday either!

Now tonight I go to an ugly holiday sweater party, but I never found a good sweater. So instead, I found a plain one in my closet and used some red glitter glue to draw a Christmas tree on it. I hope I don't regret making my own!

I admit that I am nervous.I have toyed with the idea of goingto see a movie instead. This is a single parents group, so there might be some people on the prowl. I will just have a fun time like on Wednesday, and if I hate it, I can leave.

[ravenly1974]

Newmama,

Wow! What a great attitude you have! I am thrilled to see you are finally no longer fearing the things that have been holding you back! I must say I am soooo addicted to your blogging! I love how you update often - I check daily and get so excited for new updates! Love hearing about your cooking too-it has inspired me here at home to devise an entire menu (Complete with menu type wording explaining the dish to make it sound more scrumptious) and incorporate a bunch of new dishes (That is one of H's complaints--I cook the same foods over and over). I let H pick out 4 dishes from the menu, and I pick 3. Anyhoo, he LOVED it! And I am forced to try new dishes that way, too.

Also, I am soooooo glad to hear that he noticed/checked you out! The girl in me wants more details Great progress!

Also, one thing sorta stuck out at me -- Why does he stay to watch tv and eat AFTER the baby has gone to bed? I mean it is one thing to visit with baby, another to hang around after baby has gone to bed to hang w/ you and watch tv/eat. I wonder what OW thinks about that or if she knows?

I hope you have a lot of fun tonite and can't wait to hear how it went!!!!

[Day by Day]

Nope, doesn't know. But honestly... I feel I can share this here, I'm wanting to tell him and go to mediation so that we can talk. I know, I know. Just being honest and trying to keep myself in check. ARGH.

[newmama]

DBD, I don't understand why you are "embarrassed" to want to talk to WH about it at mediation? I do not think you should tell him that you are filing. But I don't know what happens regarding next steps after he is served....if LBS wants to stop the divorce/ get WAS back, what do they do then? Stall? What else? I have heard divorce takes a long time to complete.

[newmama]

Ravenly, I'm glad you were inspired to try different dishes! I am still trying new dishes every week and getting ideas from food network. Asian cooking has tons of ingredients so it looks intimidating but actually, not too hard(the recipes I've tried at least).

Yes, it is interesting that WH stayed to watch TV and lingered. I know people will just say "cake eating" but my gut says he misses his old life...maybe even me?

As for today, I emerged from my (our) bedroom all ready and fresh and went to pick up S in his room while WH was drawing a bath for S.
While I was hugging and kissing S, WH came into the room, looked me up and down (I was facing the door and watched him do it) and then came to join in on the hugs and kisses while taking him from me. I confess that after I saw him check me out, I turned around and found a way to stick my hiny out before turning back around to WH!
Hope I elaborated enough? ;-).

[newmama]

So I am back from the ugly holiday sweater party! And I will need to write about it tomorrow since I am tired, but I will tell you that of the 4 people who shared their stories of separation or divorce (there were more people but I didn't get to talk to them)
2 of them had to do w/ infidelity. Throw me in and 3/5 is 66%.
I will tell more tomorrow!

[Day by Day]

So, how was it?

[sgctxok]

Hi newmama.....

Think more about actions in the moment...and not so much speculating about what could happen. P17 is giving you some good advice about making him wonder, let him not be so sure. I would follow that.

I would NOT toss out an ultimatum. That only works with follow through and completely depends on timing for the result...ie...you might get a result you don't want.

I would not worry about cake-eating. If you focus on that, you will be nervous and angry all the time.

Pull back....be less available. Make your home a little less available to him. That is a very loving thing to do....to let him miss you more.

[newmama]

Ok...so I arrived a little late, walked in, and to my surprise it was a small pub. I saw a couple of long tables with people sitting, but saw plenty of people wearing "holiday sweaters" sitting in booths. Luckily someone called me over to the right table! I was about to embarrass myself and walk up to some people sitting at a booth to ask them if they were part of the ugly holiday sweater party!! Close call.

To my surprise, there were only about 8-9 people at our table. 4 others joined us later. Also, only 3 people were wearing "ugly" sweaters! No fair! So we joked about that.

Most people were in their late 30s-40s. There were 5 dads. I started talking to a dad who was an electric engineer but laid off so he got to pick up his daughter from school every day, even if it wasn't "his" day. He lit up talking about her and shared lots of stories about how they spent their time. He had 50% custody. Another dad did as well and also was so passionate talking about his son.

It really solidified for me that 50% was/is the right thing to do for our S. I pray it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I know WH would be just as dedicated as these dads and S would really get quality time with each of us.

Anyway, they started sharing stories of divorce. Like I said earlier, I only heard 4 stories. The electrical engineer was 42 and had a 6 year old daughter. He said it was about money. He initiated the divorce after his W wouldn't stop using credit cards. There must be more, but then he kept talking about money, the housing market, economy. He knew his stuff but I got the impression he was OBSESSED with money. I asked him if he grew up poor.Nope. Money is security.
Sigh. I think I read somewhere that next to infidelity, money issues are the 2nd highest reason for divorce. I just kep thinking "you threw away your marriage over something that could have been sorted out?"

Another young woman was 27 and had a 2 year old son. She started thinking about divorce when he was my son's age; 5 months old. She said her H was a workaholic cook and would rather work or sleep in than spend time with his family. She said he grew up in a dysfunctional home where there wasn't a strong sense of family so she thinks he just didn't know how to be a dad or husbnd. Even now, he sees his son 2 evening per week but cancels a lot for work. As I was listening, I just kept wondering if they had to divorce; what if she had tried some DB techniques first? On the other hand, he sounds very "broken" so she might never have been able to get him to come around. In her case, with an absent father, I guess it would be best for her S if she found a better man who could be an awesome stepdad.

The other dad I talked to was in his mid 40s. He was an architect for green building, but had been a stay at home dad while unemployed for several years. His W was the breadwinner. They lived in a tiny town in the country until moving up tothe city a few years ago. He said that he made the move for his W, arrived here and started to get some work. Then she divorces him.

There was a woman in her late 30s who had been married 15 years. She and her H had infertility issues but finally through medical intervention had their daughter. Last year he found an ex girlfriend on Facebook (so common). They had an affair; the woman finally confirmed her suspicions with cell phone records. They separated but had an "in house S" which was torture. His A ended but now he wants to date others. (it reminded me of my SIL's exH) They are seeking a "collaborative divorce" because she can't forgive him or let the A go. It wasn't clear to me if he wanted to R or not. They are only S, not legally, for now. Her H is involved and dedicated with their daughter.

We also talked about fun stuff too. But I couldn't help but think that I AM NOT DIVORCED YET. I still have hope. My WH and I do not have money issues or workaholic issues. We still love each other. If OW can be out of the picture, I have no doubt that as long as WH stays dedicated, we could rebuild our M. !!!!

When I got back, my SIL told me that WH had sent her a text to check on S. I guess S had a hard time calming down and was screaming bloody murder. SIL told him that he finally settled but was "gasping" in his sleep, like after you have had a hard cry and can't catch your breath. He said to let him know if she needs anything. Uhmm...yeah...like he would drive 45 minutes to help her and by the time he got there, S would be fine?

Besides, supposedly he had other plans last night and that was why he couldn't babysit!

But, I was touched that he checked in. I hope he felt guilty that S was having a hard time!!!

In all, I'm glad I went, no one was "prowling," and now I know some people for the next meet up!

5 days til Christmas. I can't wait until it's over so I can get through it!

WH comes over today. I have a lot to get done so I won't be hanging out with him much! ;-)

[newmama]

Think more about actions in the moment...and not so much speculating about what could happen. P17 is giving you some good advice about making him wonder, let him not be so sure. I would follow that.

Yes,I have just got the courage to start this last week! P, I am listening to you so don't give up on me! :-)

I would NOT toss out an ultimatum. That only works with follow through and completely depends on timing for the result...ie...you might get a result you don't want.

totally agree! been there, done that, didn't work.

I would not worry about cake-eating. If you focus on that, you will be nervous and angry all the time.

thank you! I am not so concerned about cake eating as everyone else looking in seems to be!

Pull back....be less available. Make your home a little less available to him. That is a very loving thing to do....to let him miss you more

I don't get how to make my home less available. But I can be less available. I still want to cook, though!

thank you, sgctxok! I appreciate your advice and am able to start being less available again! Today I am truly going to be busy so it will be easy!