Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[chatterbug]

Sometimes you have the hammer and chisel in your hands. Sweat running down your face. You stare hard at the mountain in front of you. You are not going to chip away at this mountain at this level. So you start towards the base of the mountain. There is wind and rain. Pounding in your face. Many boulders are laying about. You hardly notice them. But you have to climb over them. Interesting. Seems something is helping you. You have stopped hammering away but you have found a friend. An old and trusted friend. One you have forgotten about. Time.

[newmama]

Seems something is helping you. You have stopped hammering away but you have found a friend. An old and trusted friend. One you have forgotten about. Time.

which segues into this:

the time has arrived where I discovered that I am a great catch, damnit, and WH knows it which helps me to be more bold about being mysterious and going out.
I was worried that he would take my confidence to mean he could safely walk away (i.e. D) but then 2 things happened:
1)I got my confidence back this week
2)I read Avermont's thread and she had the same fear and I was thinking "there's no way her BF will walk away from her permanently!" and I found myself typing words of encouragement to be bold by "ignoring him" or "keep dating" etc.

So no one could have told me this last month or last week...the time arrived today. I had to discover it. Oh, going out and having a good time DEFINITELY helped to give me a boost, especially since I was meeting strangers! I had to be brave and they liked me for me!

I didn't say I was detached, just more willing to go out for me (not him) yet act mysterious and not worry about if he will leave me.

(remind me of this as I need it!!!)

[newmama]

Newmama. Don't get drunk. Enjoy friendship. And at midnight. Smile and think. I survived the worst year of my life. And look at how I am improving. And say happy new year to yourself. Then us.

I copied from P17's thread. Cutterbug, thank you for this perspective. 2009: the hardest year of my life and the best year b/c I have S!

2010: It WILL be better!

[newmama]

Cutter, I know you are out having fun (yay!) and I am relaxing after a fun day w/ my baby boy and grandma. But, I want to comment about your old highschool friend and how you are helping her stay friends with a man (you) and not cross that boundary.

I ended up spending tonight talking to a highschool friend who suffered an affair. And she spent the last few years doing them on other people.She has no male friends so I said I would be her first.
I gave her, her first boundary.

Sigh. Good luck with that. I mean this very kindly and sincerely. Do not be surprised when she starts to cross the boundary (after all, you are funny, smart, have health insurance and look like George Clooney!! )Seriously, she will, for the reasons I stated but also because she has lots of experience doing that in her past.

Will you be able to resist her when she does?

BTW Are you allowing yourself to get physical with other women while in NC with WW or do you consider it cheating?
(I cam see either argument here)

I just think of my WH who wanted to be the one (knight in shining armor) to help OW to be more responsible and break off unhealthy relationships. I tried to explain that she was too fargone for someone to help her other than a trained specialist who can prescribe medication. But he didn't believe me and even *^%&ed her to attempt to help! sarcastic LOL

[chatterbug]

Yes I will be able to keep the boundary. It is her choice if she wants to help herself. Its not a forum. She either owns her sh*t or she does not. Either way, thats her problem. I gave her some hints that life can be better. And I leave it at that.

As for the physical. No. I have not. I got EA on one girl. But I made sure I did not contact her for a month while I worked it out. And when I saw her again. I had the feelings. So I waited again for awhile. And the last 2 times I saw her. I was in control of my feelings. Its not there. But I did use this to heal. And no one got hurt.

Dating to me means. Good conversation, good company ,good food. Nothing more.

I still have a ton to deal with from the adultery. It would be unfair to myself to deny myself the chance to deal with it. I have not kissed another person in 15 years.

So I heal. And I enjoy my life. GAL includes these things. As does the parallel path I follow.

I really do not want to complicate my life any more.

I had a good evening tonight. Out with 2 friends. And way too many pints. I am writing this on 8 pints.... And its cold here.... So off I go to bed.

Next year some time I will start to date for that next level. Not now I am not ready. And to me dating means. Living my life. Stuff happens. Lets see where it goes. If it does not happen. That is ok as well. I am not worried.

2010 is my year.

[newmama]

Cutter, hope you don't mind me expressing concern. You sound like you have a steady grip on your boundaries! I just think she will push it but I guess you keep your boundaries so nothing will happen that shouldn't!

But I want to know what this means:

It is her choice if she wants to help herself. Its not a forum. She either owns her sh*t or she does not.

I'm glad you had fun last night!

[newmama]

journaling:

as WH is off with my baby boy, I am doing okay but I wonder how I could handle the shared custody situation with my son when I won't see him every day. It is my last fear.

I am not afraid of living without WH even though I want him.
I am no longer afraid of OW seeing my son.
I am afraid of having to do the divorced parent shared access to your kid deal.

[chatterbug]

Cutter, hope you don't mind me expressing concern. You sound like you have a steady grip on your boundaries! I just think she will push it but I guess you keep your boundaries so nothing will happen that shouldn't!

But I want to know what this means:

It is her choice if she wants to help herself. Its not a forum. She either owns her sh*t or she does not.

I'm glad you had fun last night!

Thank you for expressing concern. It is good that people care about me.

The Its not a forum. Means a few things.
1. Its the real world and the conversations are in real time and face to face. This is very different than a forum. Here in the forum I can joke with you about what we wear to bed as we both know the context of the conversation. We also know that we are not hitting on each other and also other will join in the conversation. In the real world this conversation would be very different due to the context of the interaction between the 2 people talking. As I have boundaries in place I would choose not to get into those conversations.
2. I have my own problems to deal with. So I offer some examples of how to help one's self based on what is helping me. The next conversation will have a sub topic of "Have you thoughtabout and reviewed the sites that I thought would help you?" If she has she will be able to talk about what she has read and ask questions. If she has not. I am going to ask why not. And her answer is either going to be full of a few excuses and self pity or both. And I will then end the conversation. And leave her to her self pity. If she asks in a few weeks why I have not talked to her. I will repeat the question above. And if I get the same responce. I will tell her that I am not a sounding board for people who do not wish to be true to themselves. Nor do I wish to surround myself with people who self destruct and run away from their problems. As I do not own her sh*t, she needs to own it.
And from what I have heard so far from her. She has not.

So I am saying that in the real world I am not a forum for people to post their life stories on and expect me to give, give ,give.

This is a 180 for me newmama. Stop being a giver. Saying NO.
My choice was to not self distruct.


And thank you very much for this conversation.

In the real world when all the stuff went down , I contacted two close friends and told them to watch out that I don't get in any relationships , one night stands , or rebounds. I understand that I am highly emotional right now . I understand grief.

The best thing about that. Is that they have kept their word and kept an eye on me. Engage me in conversation about my date's and toss truth darts at me. It is great having good friends.

[Day by Day]

I am afraid of having to do the divorced parent shared access to your kid deal.

This is a big fear of mine too. After looking through all the paperwork of the parenting plan, I hate it. I don't like a schedule on the kids' time and the times that I won't be with them. They will want to be with their friends and be subject to whether he wants to let them go or not. But I know it has to be fair to H as well to spend time with them. They need to spend time with him too.

Don't know where I was going with this. Just wanted to commiserate. It's tough.

[newmama]

I know, DBD. It just is terrible. I think you are holding up well. All I can think is that you are doing a 180 because WH will be surprised that you filed. He doesn't know, right?