Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[mishka422]

Funny that you picked up on the icefloe analogy too naej. I was just thinking that and then read your post.

SNOW! I truly wish it would snow here just for Christmas. That would be so perfect.

Chin up Ali! Enjoy your holidays with BF by your side. When you think back to the trauma you felt last Christmas it will help you to be thankful this year even though things aren't quite 'normal' yet.

Merry Christmas!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ladies! Thanks for your support. I do feel blessed to be back in this position and never fail to make the most of it! Like last night, he was having a drink with BMF and I was Christmas shopping but ran humming through the streets to meet him and planted lots of kisses on him when I did (which he liked!)

Neaj you're right, if he's sad or down it doesnt make me sad or down.. but lately, he's been a little different, a bit of a far away look in his eye. After the way he left me in 2007 because of his depression, I cant help feel a bit insecure, which gets me down. He said I have no reason to worry anymore, but as I explained to him.. he was like this BEFORE he left me, a little 'gone' in the eyes.

He was on AD's for 18 months, but he said they made no difference, so he stopped taking them. The supplements do seem to have made him a bit more positive and exercise definetly helps.

Yes Mish, my Mum just said she could almost pinch herself.. to think this time last year he was about to go off skiing with Helen and look at us now!!!(we were discussing how to conceive).

I think he is still getting over his breakdown and isnt his old self yet and yes, has tremendendous guilt about how he behaved, which was pretty bad hey, dumping me on a sixpence like that! Twice!!

[AliSuddenly]

So last night he said he is sad and unhappy all the time. He knows he has everything to be glad about, but he feels no enjoyment. He appreciates me, our life together and everything I do for him, but he cant feel it and knows he should appreciate it more. He said he has negative thoughts all the time and you cant tell what thoughts other people have, but he feels there is something wrong with him, that he is a lunatic.

He said he doesnt want to ML, not at all. He cant explain why. He said he loves me and wants to be with me, his unhappiness isnt to do with me. He said he clings onto his feelings for me like a lifeline, I am his focal point. He said he feels like there is something in his head, a block, like he wishes someone could just unlock or unblock it..I got the impression theres more to it but he wont open up.

I never wanted to be a rescuer, but I gave in and booked him a doctors appointment tonight. I also arranged counselling for us in Jan (and then we can see her separately if thats advised). I need help with this.

Sigh.

[kat727]

It is hard to admit that you can't fix this on your own. He does need help and kudos to you for booking the appointment. I think when you get where he is you don't always see the way in to the light of day, just more gloom.

I think whatever meds he was on before just weren't right for him, they can try different combinations and doses until they find the one that works. I know he has a long road ahead and I am sure that he is very grateful and even glad that you are on his side.

hugs, kat

[Kalni]

So, there you have it: Helen, the break up, the distance, everything. He is miserable, has been for a while, thought that if he would change you, he would be happy.
Sorry, it doenst work this way...

And i have read somewhere that when they do come back and realise the situation is worse because on top of their issues, they created issues to the one they loved, they REALLY fall in despair.

He needs to click out of it. He needs help. He is lucky he has you around. I think you did a good job arranging the apt. It's not recsuing him, he probably feels too depressed to do it on his own.

You know how to reach me if you want...
Stay strong Al, he is worth it, right?
K

[john210]

Hey Ali, I have to hand it to you for sticking it out. It is not easy living with depression and not easy living with someone who is depressed. Cudos to you for booking the apt. We should all be so lucky to have spouses that stick around through thick or thin instead of running at the first sign of trouble.

[mishka422]

I am so proud of you for stepping up and getting that appointment set for bf. K is right, he's probably too depressed to help himself. You aren't doing it for him, but you are nudging him in the right direction.

I've said it before, pills aren't always the answer. There are cases I have seen though that were like night and day when meds were involved. I have personally watched someone who was so despondent that they were ready to kill themselves. Within 1 month of his doctor finding the right combination of meds he was fully participating in life and had found a new purpose. It was nothing short of miraculous.

I'm hoping and praying that this will be beneficial to you both.

[naej]

Good for you Ali,b/f really does need medical intervention now. Your love and devotion just isn't enough.
I think others have said many times (not just on your thread) that the secret of success with AD's is finding the one that works for you and at the right level.
So the sooner he starts the sooner they can find the one that is appropriate for him and that is good for you both-yes?
For your sake I hope they find the best combo sooner rather than later,it will take time but this will be the first step in the right direction.
You are going to need all the patience you can muster and then some, but I have a feeling you can do this.
As long as he is willing to get the help good for you for taking the step to getting it for him.
Take care of you as well.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks everyone. As if all this hasn't been hard enough hey!! I cant even mention the past, or Helen or my hurts, or fears, or lean on him at all about things now, he is so depressed. He was going to register with this new doctor..6 months ago! So I did it for him. I want him to be HONEST and yes ask for CBT and ADs. Thats a good point guys, he was on Fluoxetine before but he could try another type?

He texted back to say he was so grateful I booked it because he was tearful at work and struggling. Then he phoned and was upset and said he feels SOOO negative, about everything and about himself. I said.. you feel like a bad person don't you? He said I do.. and started crying! So he is very low again.

I arranged MC because its free through work and I need help being in an R with a depressed person and inevitable insecurites (yes Jon, its hard to hear your partner say they love you but cant feel anything!) and he needs help opening up to me. I also rang for an acupuncturist recommendation, as I think he needs acupuncture to ‘unblock’ him (he used to enjoy going).

Yes he’s worth it! and its nice you all think he is lucky to have me! K that’s interesting..they fall into a pit of despair. So this is all a textbook path hey??

[mishka422]

Great idea on the acupuncture. I've done acupressure but never got up the nerve to allow the puncture! Also, good idea to learn how to be in R with a depressed person who can't be supportive of you because they are so hurt themselves.