Thanks Lotus for validating what I am feeling. I am fighting it and remembering how hard I worked tochangemy behavior and to win him back. I can do this! My mind keeps wandering into quetions: Is he pretending to be happy and thinking of her? is he going torelapse? When you have been fooled for 2 wholeyears--you dont trust your own instincts either. I need to stay the course andbe happy for myself whatever the outcome.
I feel like a parrot- lol, ( I always come on saying I agree with Lotus!!!!). I totally agree with Lotus that what you are feeling is normal and you need to fight it. You will go through various stages.
It's quite common to sit there thinking that you are being so nice and on your best behaviour and holding it all together, whilst your H enjoys the fruits of all that, even though HE was the 'bad boy'.
Gradually you will see him realise more and more what he has done and in doing so he will distance himself from OW and be more likely to open up. They all do it at their own pace and to different degrees.
The balance of power in the M seems to shift from him holding it all, (when he was having the A and you would do almost anything to have him back), to completely the other way, (when you feel disgruntled at what he has done, and he realises what a fool he was, and is scared he may lose you - this is often the time a revenge fling may happen for the LBS). What you need is an even, balanced M where you share the power and the responsibility.
It may take a while to get there but it IS worth the wait. Remember, it took time for your M to get to crisis point....it takes time for it to recover. It also needs constant attention from now on to make sure you don't fall back into bad habits.
Just keep making new good times together.
My guess is that if one person knew at your H's work place then they all did, and with time the OW will feel humiliated and will move on. We were lucky, we were able to call in the legal team and offer her a pay off that she would have been a fool to refuse.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Boy, havent had much time to get on the boards. Its amazing how much more time you have when your H is out of the house and you are alone. H just left for work after long holiday weekend.
We had an awesome weekend with a great b-day dinner for me at a restaurant with band and dancing. I did ask over dinner about where he actually would meet the OW after work. Boy, that was a very touchy subject.He told me about two little bars in our suburban area he would go to with her. It took me by surprise that he would meet her so close to home. Some of my anger surfaced and I made a comment that I didnt think you "soil your home territory". Not a good move on my part but did recover and have nice rest of evening.
I have come to conclusion that I am not going to be able to ask him about the A much at all. This is going to be kinda hard for me (naturally nosey person) but he does not like controversy/negative emotions. I am going to have to heal without the specifics. My marriage is more important than knowing. And, it is still very early in the game and I must keep everytning positive.
Have you read After the Affair by Janis A. Spring? I found that book very helpful. It was written for both the WAS and the LBS presenting both points of view quite well. It was a book my H and I discussed. Discussing the book, and the things said in the book was easier than dealing with the specifics of our case.
I will order the book this week. I need to do some work on dealing with the A but he still is nowhere near wanting to even discuss anything. Maybe he never will. I am amazed at how overwhelmed I am with having him back home--I feel like I have no time for me at all. Hope it is just the holidays and returning to work more hours post holiday. I really am afraid of scaring him away with any relationship talk. But it has only been 2+ weeks and he is moving all his/our furniture back from the apartment next Friday so that is a very good sign that he is not keeping a little love nest of furniture until lease runs out in March. I need to be patient but I just wish I had a few months under my belt to feel less insecure. When do you begin to feel more normal and less like you are on eggshells? Ever?
Yes, you will eventually. For me it took about a year. During that time, I treated him like a guy that I was dating -- dressed up to see him, cooked adult meals (no mac and cheese), hors D'oeuvres and wine or beer before dinner, cleaner house, etc. Reminded him of the girl he chose to marry.
For everyone it is different. I think it took a good year or more......and then I would suddenly find I was thinking it all over again and getting angry inside.
At the moment you just need to take things slowly and keep them calm. The signs you post all look good. Just remember though not to fall back into the bad habits that caused the M breakdown in the first place.
I found that it took ages for some things about the A to come out of my H. As I have posted on other threads before, it was about a year after the A finished, that out of the blue one day, my H actually apologised 'properly'. With that I mean it came out of the blue and was totally heartfelt; I could feel he meant what he was saying; that he wasn't just saying what he thought he ought to be saying.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks for the advice. It feels very right to me. I do feel like I am dating my H! I picked up a used "His NEeds, Her Needs' book by Dr. Harvey of Marriage Builders. Truthfully, it scared the hell out of me as he talks about how they never get over or truly fall out of love with the OW! The book talks about a guy who went back to OW after 6 years. The rest of the book was good. I guess I can live without trust or feeling very secure as I lived with lies and deceit and didnt know it for quite a long time. I am happy when he is around and glad our family is back together. It is so good to hear other people have experienced similar things.
