DR was better in the sense that it assumes you don't want a divorce whereas the first DB book explains why divorce sucks, which we pretty much know or we would not be here on this site.
K4, the 401k issue I posted on your other thread. In short, you'll pay the tax on it at your highest rate, so I'm guessing for you that's between 15-25%, plus the penalty, and you'll have no savings left. Are your credit cards really charging you rates higher than those? Although I give financial seminars in RL, I am leery of doing that here obviously. But check into a ROTH IRA b/c I think for you, that'd be better and I'm pretty sure you qualify.
You are "frustrated" tonight, again. I almost thought you were stomping your feet b/c you simply want to be the way you are AND get your family back AND get a better job AND not have to do a whole lot of work b/c work is...just so....hard.....and you are "GAL" you say, b/c you are busy...
Your activities are not GAL the way we mean. Read the posts and actually think about them without reacting and maybe maybe maybe you'll figure it out. It'll take more than a day. Read what I did in the tundra to GAL if you have to. But your idea of GAL is my idea of being stuck. For the 123rd time, GAL does not mean giving up. It means stop revolving your life around your w, which you do almost non-stop, at least internally and my GOD it shows...and it is needy and it is unhealthy.
Here's the real problem as I see it. Your choices and the things CG has had to explain to you, and the decisions you still rely on your wife to handle, including a book purchase for your d, or how to pay your bills after a year of doing so, are actually tiny decisions a man your age ought to be able to make without step by step directions and suggestions. That lack of foundational skills, coupled with the adolescent thrill you got by purchasing a "Droid" and the "awesomeness" of it which you shared with your wife, were huge turns offs for me as a woman. Yeah, I know that hurts. I'm sorry for that, I really am.
But better to hear it here from me (and CG and other women here) than see it in your wife's eyes, and her family's. You don't realize it, I know. But my friend, you are simply behind where you should be in terms of basic life skills. You never ever discuss your underlying depression that preceeded the drinking (self medication?) so while you still blow off AA (which is SO NOT just about drinking! How many times do we have to tell you that it's a healthy way of life b/c it teaches you how to stand on your own, whether it's booze or a wife or a div busting site that you rely on -- instead of yourself and your faith to LIVE YOUR LIFE....) I give up on that though. You just can't handle it. It is literally too grown up for you. Bet you never read the big book, did you? Wow...so many missed chances in one life...
Part of why I say "you are so stuck" is b/c you don't seem to be growing much. Sorry, but you say you get frustrated as if that's unique to you and your life, and therefore you lose your head and make a poor decision. That's when bad choices are usually made k4, not when all is smooth and well in our lives. So often you say you are "overwhelmed" and it's by normal life stuff, cars, bills, job hunting, to which I must say, big deal! Get a grip. Even the little stuff throws you off and makes you go to others FIRST for help, and thereby learn nothing on your own--so you keep repeating the mistakes just as the job search discussion is a repeat of a past one in which you went to others, took NONE of their advice but seemed to hope for a better job by...what? Calling some folks up about what YOU NEED? The idea is that you'd bring something to the table to fill THEIR needs...kinda like a marriage... (Don't argue this point by point, just think about it, okay...these are just my impressions, and we're not in court "proving" anything...)
But so many people today have NO jobs at all, and you do, and you have insurance and your health...enough already about how hard your life is b/c your wife left you a year ago. HERE, WE ALL GOT LEFT at some point! And in the grand scheme of things....so what?
You know, my mil is still terminally ill & rapidly declining, it's so hard to handle and be there for my h and God only knows how he'll take her actual passing and btw, when we care for her, we are NOT GETTING PAID b/c both of us get paid by production/cases...so her living longer than expected is a wonderful blessing but also a huge financial burden that we cannot plan around since we have no true timeline so that's ALL SUPER EASY... and my own mother now has big bad health issues and lives in a house we own but lose money on every month...and my bil is still dead at 42 and a military brother died in Afghanistan by a stranger who never knew him but hates Americans, and a grandparent died suddenly-- as did my neighbor a beautiful mom with 4 small children and I was there when her h came in to tell the children (a vessel burst in her head) that their mother loved them so much but was gone...forever... all in the past 20 months so you know, sometimes I say "big deal about your wife" leaving you. We've ALL BEEN LEFT SOMETIME IN THE PAST OR WE WOULD NOT BE HERE..... I"M SORRY BUT FOR ME, WHAT'S REALLY "FRUSTRATING" IS READING THE "DIARY" OF A TEENAGE BOY IN A MAN'S BODY...
There, I said it. You mainly just need to grow up. Since you haven't by now, you must need help.So get it. Become attractive and strong as a man and maybe your wife will be more comfortable around you b/c she doesn't fear you'll read into everything she does or says (saves you a seat but then didn't talk? OMG who cares??) Let her RELAX and laugh or joke or hug the kids in front of you without thinking "OMG there goes K4 staring at me thinking I must want to be m again"...go read FIB's thread for some insight there. But back sooo off and stay that way.
YES of course we mean to DETACH and YES somehow you still think it means something it does not mean. If you had read up on it, as at least 45 posts suggested, you'd see that detachment is NOT giving up... you're right k4, you need a DB/DR "refresher course." So go read that book and the books Kerry and other men suggest to you. Seriously. What are you waiting for? WE DON'T have answers you seem to use...so get them somewhere.
Also when the time comes for a real change of heart from a WAS, we usually know it. We don't have to guess. At least for me and BND and several others who did reconcile, the WAS turned around & came to us, and they were very clear about what they wanted, at least verbally. Follow up- can be rocky but none of us had to guess or read into all these things when the WAS came back...
Off the top of my head, I cannot think of a single reconciled couple that didn't involve an outright statement from the WAS that they wanted to try again. Until that time comes, why wonder and ponder? It's a waste of time and energy. I submit the failure to detach, delays or destroys the possibility of a reconciliation b/c the WAS feels too smothered to have room to even think about it b/c of their fears that the LBSer is so hungry and needy that the WAS isn't ever comfortable enough to get to know the "NEW" LBSer...but then, k4, how "new" are you anyhow?
One thing MWD does say is that you the LBSer have to somehow show that a m to you today would NOT be a repeat of the M you had before... That's the only way you can have a "new, better" m. You both have to change BEFORE you can reconcile, not after!
I remember the times you said you had never known how to be happy on your own. K4, that's not a small comment. That was the first time I said, "go talk to a c about that, b/c it sounds physiological and or deeply psychological and maybe related to the drinking, etc...." and as far as I know, you can count on one hand (maybe 2?) how many hours you've spent on that underlying foundational deficit in the past year.
How do you feel about that statement now? Do you see how it might be related to your feeling overwhelmed by normal life stuff, and not being able to see fairly ordinary but mildly stressful situations as more than they are, and how the slight/moderate stress, for you turns into unmanageable frustration, leading to repeated poor choices? God forbid you have a horrible thing happen too. How'd you handle your mom's death? Wasn't that a factor in your drinking? If so, wouldn't now be a good time to learn new ways of coping with the likely coming stresses that we all have coming? We really don't want to see you fail. But speaking for myself, that's what I see happening a lot. And with all these posts, it's pretty hard to believe it isn't on your end...I mean you really don't have bad luck in the grand scheme of things. You're in the pretty darn lucky pile but you whine and spin and stay here and get 223 posts and others with greater needs and worst cases who want to move forward with just some guidance, get little or nothing...I can only hope someone else benefits by reading your thread. And yes, I pray that you do too. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Kev..I think we both need to 'man up' (tee hee)and see what happens. What do we have to lose at this point? If nothing else WE will be so much farther ahead. Go check out my thread from yesterday/last night. My exh is pushing with things and I have to set some boundaries with it. Not looking forward to it as you can see he gets nasty. Your W will at least stay calm.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I know you think we are all beating you over the head over and over again, and that in itself is one of the issues.
So many people here care about you, and want you to succeed, including myself, that they are posting to you exactly what you need to move forward from a place of caring in compassion! They are not putting you down, or calling you out!
You need to understand where you are developmentally and accept it. That is a hard thing to realize and accept but it is a must.
I know, I see now where I was, at almost 40 years old, I had not 'grown up' yet. Ugh, how the heck can that be? It just is, so accept it yourself. Making that determination and then accepting it, is key to helping you then move on.
There is a difference between age and maturity. Read those books suggestions, and you will see where it applies to you as well if you are open to it, and reflecting on your life and what has brought you to this point, as it is evident in your posts and as 25yearsmlc described above so eloquently.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
25 wrapped things up in a very clear fashion for you.
Everybody feels overwhelmed from time to time. What we all must learn is how to deal with feeling overwhelmed in a positive way.
Basic life skills such as problems solving and managing daily things seems to be an area where you could use assistance. Learning that instant gratification is usually not permanent gratification is important. Not letting excitement or frustration lead you when making decisions would add an element of calm to your life that seems to be lacking.
You want to know what will attract your W back to you and here you have many women telling you what is NOT attractive. As a 34 year old woman, if I was involved with a man that said he bought a Droid phone because his excitement got the better of him and he kept rambling on about it like a kid with a new toy I would be turned off.
I am attracted to men that are on top of things, confident, able to find solutions and use resources and don't see everything in such a black and white fashion. I don't care if they are a garbage man or the CEO of a company.
Each month I type out a goal sheet but I break the goals down this way:
Business Goals Financial Goals Personal Goals
Then, for each category I add sub categories. That way I don't have an overwhelming list of "to do's" and things are far more manageable.
I only recently started doing this (as in the last year) and it has made a HUGE difference in my life.
A few months ago you were so worried about retirement and buying a house and car. Yet you just emptied a retirement account to pay off debt and fund a holiday for your children. The day it came out you purchased an expensive phone yet you worry that your W will never see you as a solid provider.
I don't see anything on your financial seminar out there online. I decided to do a quick google search. However, wow, I am utterly amazed and wonder if there isn't anything you don't do or haven't done. Your accomplishments are amazing.
I don't know whether to feel privelaged that you have spent time posting to me or feel stupid for being in your presence and being discovered by you as a case that truly needs fixing.
I appreciate your postings and insight.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Each month I type out a goal sheet but I break the goals down this way:
Business Goals Financial Goals Personal Goals
Then, for each category I add sub categories. That way I don't have an overwhelming list of "to do's" and things are far more manageable.
I only recently started doing this (as in the last year) and it has made a HUGE difference in my life.
This is very smart. I am going to start doing this myself. Maybe it will help keep me focused on where I am and where I am need to be and help me get there by taking it a monthly step at a time and breaking it down like this.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
There is a difference between age and maturity. Read those books suggestions, and you will see where it applies to you as well if you are open to it, and reflecting on your life and what has brought you to this point, as it is evident in your posts and as 25yearsmlc described above so eloquently.
iwantittowork,
This is good. Thanks. I have been suggested those 2 books before. I am aware of them, I just need to pick them up and add them to the list of the many books I have and have only gotten through part of. I think I need to start back with DR again first.
Currently I am in the middle of "The Power Of Prayer To Change Your Marriage" which also gives a lot of insight to how relationships work and should work between married couples.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kev..I think we both need to 'man up' (tee hee)and see what happens. What do we have to lose at this point?
Not much to lose at this point.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kevin, one thing I think is important is to set a timeline on how long your are willing to wait for your marriage to reconcile.
In the meantime, if you want to improve and understand your interactions with the opposite sex better...
KerryK,
I understand what you are saying, however, I don't have a timeline at this point. I did at one point, but I threw it out.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It would be silly for me to say that my goal is to have 1 million dollars in the bank by next Sunday. That won't happen. But, it would not be unreasonable to say I would like to have 1 million dollars in the bank by age 55. That is a timeline and the only thing left to do is make goals for the timeline.
Sure, things come up and sometimes goals/time-lines have to be adjusted but time-lines and goals keep you on some sort of track in all areas of life. It helped me as I was always one to react on emotion but having a plan really helped me with that and kept me on track. It still does actually.
