There's a distressing pattern that if he remembers a significant event or conversation and I don't, then I'm just wrong. If he's the one who doesn't remember, then the thing never happened and I'm making it up.
Ugh...Not acceptable. I've dealt with this occasionally in family and work.
Originally Posted By: Dia
On the upside, he went through the house and took a bunch of stuff that belongs to OW and OW little girl over to OW's mother - stroller, toys, little girl shoes, OW's special pillow, etc. Good riddance!!
Yay!
Originally Posted By: Dia
On my side, there happens to be a national shortage of a medication I take (natural thyroid) and I've been on a half dose for a month and have been completely out for the last few days. More should arrive3 next week, but the net effect is that I am tired, cloudy-headed and tending toward depression.
Terrible!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I"m on a thyroid medicine too, and I know the sluggish depressed feeling that happens when I'm out. Can you take the synthetic version? I do and it really helps.
1) My boss's wedding was Sunday, and I am slowly recovering. Under 'other duties as assigned' she asked me if I would mind taking on the wedding planning and I said yes. That'll teach me!! The event was a smashing success, including on the professional networking level as I'm having a sit-down with a city council member soon to lobby for local support in taking our company non-profit, part of the real reason I was hired in this position.
2) I am finally back on an appropriate dose of thyroid, and I will be thanking all the little piggies out there at my next major acceptance speech. Low thyroid sucks donkey balls!
3) H and I continue to be warm, cuddly, appreciative, affectionate and all that good stuff. Yayyyyyyy!
4) We're also continuing to confront some thorny issues including the MIL thing, the validation thing, the 'guess what, Dia DID have valid reasons for leaving' thing, etc. Yuuuuuuuck! Necessary, but no fun.
5) I have a DB Coaching appt. Monday to call in some advice on some of the stuff in #4.
6) I got a substantial raise, with the promise of another one at my 6 month review.
7) I have no clue how I did it, but the accountant who was my arch nemesis who treated me like a two-bit temp who didn't have two brain cells to rub together has become a willing subordinate and my biggest supporter. I'm pretty sure this happened when I stepped in as a de facto art director in between our creative people and the accountant - who is also our graphic designer. Somehow, someway, I made the work flow actually work and now she worships me. Cool!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I put this in writing because I know how he thinks. He reads, he processes, he mulls over. This takes awhile. With the holidays in full swing, it's hard to get time (eye roll) to talk about this, but I want it out and I want it explicit as we continue to move forward. I also want it in writing to combat the he said/she said stuff I alluded to a few posts up. Ain't no way he can say I never said when it's in writing.
Comments welcome! -------------------------
Hey, there!
In the most recent discussion we had, I really heard and understood how frustrating it was for you when I wasn't able to articulate clearly what I wanted or why I was unhappy. To that end, I'd like to lay out as clearly as I can what I want and need in terms of time with you.
1) On a pretty much daily basis, I'd like to spend 10 - 30 mins in light, casual conversation. "How was your day? Let me tell you this funny story, etc." You've been really REALLY good about this, doing it around the time you get home or right around Nick's bedtime before you go off to do other things. For me, this is maintenance level. I need the ongoing connection with you. Missing a day won't throw me into a tailspin, and when we're both extremely busy, I'll understand if it gets a bit spotty. It also doesn't have to be particularly romantic - I just want to feel connected.
2) Once or twice a week - an in-house date night, such as a movie, playing a computer game together, etc. What we do isn't all that important. What's important is that it's just the two of us and we're interacting. When things are good between us, a movie is absolutely great. If we're having trouble or we've been too busy to have time for each other, sometimes watching a movie leaves me a little cold because it doesn't leave much room for talking. Talking during movies bothers you, so if we're having trouble with each other and we watch a movie in silence, it leaves me feeling unconnected. I need the verbal intimacy - the talking. On these nights, I want some romance and cuddling, too. We do pretty good with this, though recent busy-ness has made it difficult. I do miss our movie nights!
3) Once or twice a month - a date night out of the house, just you and me. Dinner, a movie, walking around State Street, maybe going to a party at someone's house, going to the theatre, a long walk on the beach if it's warm, wine tasting, etc. Definitely romantic. Doesn't have to be expensive. Again, what we do is far less important to me than spending romantic time focused on each other and interacting with each other. Conversation is very important. If we did this twice a month, I'd be happy to alternate who pays.
4) A couple of times a year - If we can swing it, an overnight or weekend get-away. Hopefully just the two of us, but the three of us is ok sometimes, too. Camping, Montana de Oro, Disneyland, a short cruise, etc. If it's just the two of us, lots and lots of romantic time and lovemaking!
5) Once a year - if we can. Either a family or a just-us special vacation. A cruise. Several days at a hotel or resort. A week-long camping trip. For me, it's important to get away from the time and attention sinks inherent in being at home. Computers, chores, work - all of these take time and attention away from each other.
When you spend time with me, I feel important to you. When you spend time with me, it tells me you love me and want to be around me. On the flip side, when you spend time on a lot of other projects but very little with me, I feel like all of those things are more important, more interesting and more attractive to you than I am. I feel like that thing you do because you have to, not because you want to, or I feel like I'm only good enough for leftover scraps, not the good, solid awake hours. I want you to have friends, hobbies and to do fun things you enjoy. That's healthy and important for you. But I also want to feel like *I'm* important, too.
I'm not going to be checking these things off on a calendar or anything silly like that. Mostly, I wanted to communicate this as clearly as possible because spending time with me is probably the number one thing you can do to ensure that I feel loved, cherished, valued and desired in this relationship. Also, please hear this, too - I love you, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can.
Please let me know what you think. This isn't a gripey, 'you're neglecting me' email. This is a 'this is what would really make me happy' email so that it's clear, out in the open and actionable.
*hugs!*
Dia
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Overall it's good, Dia. Perhaps my comments are just stylistic, and immaterial. But I would put the conclusions first, and then the list. As I read down the list, I started ticking off the requirements, and thinking, .....there's more? Perhaps if you start with how important time together is, and then list the kinds of time together, maybe not being so fixed on the quantity (2x per week; 1 week/year, etc.), it wouldn't sound so demanding. After all, things come up and life gets hectic, if you are getting the love tank filled regularly, do you really have to stop at every gas station?
Re: demanding... There's a rock and hard place issue here. Referring back to our most recent R talk - which I think I journalled about a few posts back, one of the take-home messages for me was that regardless of how clear I thought I was being, H never did hear a strong, clear message about what I wanted or needed. In fact, he heard anything but. So on the one hand, now I've been very clear and explicit.
On the other hand, yeah, he's called me demanding before and yeah, it will tick the heck out of me if he goes there with this. Darned if you do and darned if you don't.
Also, maybe it's just me as the author, but I see a ton of wiggle room in what I've written. It's not "2x per or I walk". It's "Once or twice..." I guess I don't see once or twice a week or once or twice a month as a big deal? Am I not seeing the forest for the trees?
Well, it's sent, so will see which way the wind blows soon enough. We had our Boy Scout Christmas dinner tonight so we've been out all evening.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
We do pretty good with this, though recent busy-ness has made it difficult. I do miss our movie nights!