Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

yay! I figured out a better way to quote text!

I forgot another tidbit--at one point, WH was talking about a new hamburger joint and wanted to know if I had heard of it. He said it was close by and he showed me the website.He was saying how good the food was supposed to be. I was expecting him to ask me if I wanted to go! I was actually nervous. But he didn't.
Not that asking me to go would mean anything.

Here is the thing about my WH--he hints a lot instead of directly asking for stuff. Does this mean he is passive aggressive?

So for example..."what are you making for lunch? Oh. Brats would be good too" (instead of "can we have brats for lunch")
"that shirt looks kind of big on him. Maybe he would be more comfortable in a different one." (instead of "We should change his shirt--it looks too big."

"I usually put a towel down to catch the drips." (instead of "could you please put a towel under next time? It really helps)

"you could turn left, but that street gets backed up with traffic" (instead of "No, keep going and turn left at the next signal")

get the idea? I forgot why I felt the need to explain this about him...maybe because I was thinking he was hinting about the hamburger joint and was waiting for me to ask him?

[Day by Day]

I don't think it's passive aggressive, just a passive way of stating things. He's avoiding putting any responsiblity on anyone and it weakens his statements. Just not being clear.

I think he's afraid to state what he wants.

Good that you can see it clearly even when he's not speaking clearly.

[newmama]

Update on today....not much. (absence of bad news is GOOOOOD!)

Got a friendly TM from WH this morning. When he came here from work, he was nice and liked the pics I picked out for Christmas cards. Then I went to my Bunco game and had fun.They noticed I lost weight so that felt good! When I returned, WH inquired about my evening and told me how it went with our son. He wasn't in a hurry to leave and lingered at saying goodbye...check in with us tomorrow...etc.
He noticed the kitchen was sparkly clean. (It was a disaster yesterday from me baking cookies)He made a comment about how "we" blah blah blah. I just waved goodbye and told him to be careful on the icy roads.


I am doing something totally sneaky...the cards we will send to our friends and family that KNOW about the A will have only our son's pics, name and age on them. But I am still not telling my friends from work and they are expecting cards so I am creating another set for them that says our names and has photos of us. I had to find one that doesn't show WH's left hand because there is no ring (I know it's pathetic). BTW I am not wearing my ring but haven't since third trimester of my pregnancy so I thin people assume that it just doesn't fit yet.

I figure if WH files for D, I can always tell them he blindsided me with his A and not tell them I was waiting for him for so many months. I mean almost this time last year I was blindsided (aren't we all) and didn't know what was going on and in March, I was 99% ready to D. So it is possible.

I mean if we R, it would be nice to have some people that didn't know about the A for us to be around, you know?

Anyway, about 2 more weeks until Christmas. I am just looking forward to getting it over with. At least I have my beautiful baby boy! Sorry for the pity party--I do not believe in feeling sorry for myself too often because it is not productive.

Damn I wish I knew what he was thinking!!!!! But asking him directly is just useless. I do feel like I am doing a good job today and the last few days at staying calm and in control of myself around him. I saw this in Newcomers by Norm14 quoted by Puppy Dog Tails:

I don’t know how I do it. I guess I just keep thinking, “If you want to bust this A and save your marriage you must control yourself.” And, in a bizarre sort of way, I feel a sense of control. They think they know something I don’t. But I know, and that gives me a sense of power. At times, I view them like two little kids who are playing hooky from school and think they are pulling something over on the teacher. At the same time, I am able to feel forgiveness (but not tolerance for the A) for them both. They’re human, and they’re doing what humans sometimes do, even if it is the wrong thing to do. They’re confused, although they don’t realize it.

In my experience, people who are able to master the above attitudes about their sitch, are the ones that are the most successful in being able to DB. By far.

Puppy

So when I am feeling in control of myself, and I am CONFIDENT the A will end at some point sooner than later (whether or not we D), I will be inspired by this post!!!

[forward]

NM, I posted on your other thread. You sound good here.

As far as NC, see what your DB C says. But I can tell you how it is for you. When you are NC, your spouse is not forefront in your mind. You are forced to start building a new life without them. You stop watching the tiniest actions and you disentangle from them. Also, your anger starts to drain away.

For me, it was good and helpful. Don't know if it is right in your situation.

[chatterbug]

I mean if we R, it would be nice to have some people that didn't know about the A for us to be around, you know?


Those who are nice to be around will not judge you based on the A. And 5 to 10 years down the road. Most people will have had enough on their own plate to deal with, so its a non issue. Plus how can we explain away the grey hairs...

[newmama]

Forward, NC would be the easiest way for me to detach. It is not going to happen though unless he ditched us. Thank you for posting on my other thread- I hadn't checked it out in weeks.
I'm sorry about your sitch but at the same time you sound healthy!

Cutterbug, You are right ultimately. But I have a friend who didn't tell everyone, her H was remorseful, and she was relieved to not have to deal with the tension and judgment toward her WH when they hung out with them.

[newmama]

my aunt came over, we baked up a storm, I will need to work out for an hour tomorrow!

My pathetic fake cards have back fired on me...WH was going to pick up the original ones tomorrow. I ordered mine to be ready by Sunday. No, they are ready now! So I will need to beat him to get them before he sees them. I did call and told them that I didn't want him to see them bc it was a surprise and to hold them for me but I had no time today, there might be a freezing rain storm hitting tonight...what to do! If I can't get there before him, I will call and ask them to put them under another name....

Oh the web that we weave when we plan to deceive...this is why I am such a bad liar!! I would make a terrible WW!ha ha bad joke. I am able to talk honestly about stuff that WH and I do with our baby bc we do stuff. and like I said no one asks about how WE are doing so I don't have to lie.

how is tiger woods different than Santa? He doesnt stop after 3 hos.

[newmama]

no freezing rain! I got the pic cards this morning...phew!

[newmama]

I came back from the cookie party. One person asked me about what was going on and it was so busy and loud that I was able to feel comfortable talking to her about it without addressing a large group. She was supportive and I figure she would tell everyone after I left. It's okay--different people than my work--and I know my other friends want to know what's happening. Part curiousity part concern. She made a Tiger joke and I laughed but said WH wasn't that bad because he was only doing one other woman (come on, it's been 8 months so I can have a sense of humor about it in a way!)

When I got back, WH was here to pick up our son. He asked me if I got his text message. I said I hadn't checked. He said "You're going to be mad!" I said "Really?" He told me to check my phone. I was trying to think what he would have sent me that would make me so angry...something about divorce? What? He has such a poker face. I checked but didn't see anything. So he said it probably was still on its way but I would be so upset. So I asked him WHAT was it? Turned out that when he was picking up our photo Christmas cards, Guy Fieri from Food Network was there signing books.

(Actually I knew this because I saw the sign this morning when I picked up my secret cards and I was sooo disappointed that I couldn't go back to see him!) I accidentally said "Oh yeah, I knew he was coming." WH was surprised and said 'Really?" I quickly said that I saw a sign last time I was there but didn't really register the date...that I knew he would be here on a Saturday but didn't realize it was today.

So then he said he took a picture of him and showed me on his phone! He took several pics and I was rather touched by that! He knew I liked him and although it was super crowded (he hates crowds) he still took some pictures! I patted his arm and said thank you so much! He resent the text and this time I got it. Really, I was surprised and very excited that he got some photos!

Then he asked me about the cookie party and wanted to know who was there, did I have fun, how did they like our baby, etc. Lots of q's.He also said that he hoped I would take some time to relax while he had our son.

I thanked him but said other than making a candy cane martini, I would be rather busy doing stuff. (After this post, I am working out and doing laundry, cleaning up the mess from yesterday, etc.)

Oh and earlier I asked him to get some stamps too but only if he was going to get something else because I didn't want him to have to wait in those long lines just for stamps. When I came home, he got the stamps but also picked up some diapers even though we had a lot. I think he got them just so he could get something else.


Candy cane martini: equal parts vanilla vodka, peppermint schnapps, lemon line soda. Shake together with ice. Water the rim of your glass and dip in crushed candy canes. YUMM! Even the guys like this drink! (And it's sooo pretty!)

[Day by Day]

Very positive day!! I'm happy for you!!