It was a learning experience indeed. MUCH of my pain, anxiety and anguish could have been avoided had I enforced the boundaries I tried to set early on. I have nobody to blame but myself for that.
Looking back it was such a vicious circle. Prior to the bomb, for our whole marriage actually, if I was upset or had certain feelings I tried to express to my H he would ALWAYS tell me NOT to feel that way. When he said (that night I just posted about) that he knew I didn't really mean what I said about the key and him not coming in I seriously saw red. Once again he was telling me what I thought and what I meant and stupid me, instead of setting and enforcing more aggressive boundaries I tolerated it and actually validated his bad behavior by allowing it to continue. On my part that was all me and self inflicted pain because I refused to listen to people that actually had mastered the technique of setting boundaries.
I think some people do this just to see what they can get away with. If he continued to be able to just walk in her house as he pleases it would be wonderful for him. Cake eating at its finest!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
My H wasn't really controlling. I really do believe he has such a hard time expressing himself most of the time he thinks he is being helpful/supportive and he comes off like an ass.
When I was first diagnosed with Lupus I started meds that made my hair very thin and caused a very rapid weight loss. I just felt so ugly. I would try and express to him why I felt so ugly and terrified and he would say "you shouldn't feel that way". From his standpoint he was *trying* to say it will be okay and you are not ugly. Then I would try and explain to him that I *do* feel that way and why.
Unless he is talking to his parents about movies, golf or some other "safe" topic they do not communicate at all about "real life things". His entire family sweeps everything under the rug and nothing is ever addressed until one of them just explodes. Then the explosion happens, everybody acts like nothing happened and that cycle continues. His grandparents are like that, his parents are like that and so is he.
The OW is *very* clingy and needy and jealous of me. Not sure what she is jealous of as I have virtually no contact with my H at all. I know their R is filled with drama and they break up just about each day. My H looks like he has aged about 15 years and he just looks empty when I see him. I am not saying he is sad about me but I think many realities are hitting him in the face at once. I also know my H can't be alone.
I have know my H for 13 years and communication has always been very difficult for him. My family talks about EVERYTHING, that is how I was raised. His family talks about NOTHING so that is normal to him.
No, I do not want him in my life. He may have changed but towards me he acts no different. He doesn't validate anything I think or express to him. He still justifies or has an excuse for everything and honestly feeds me so much BS I just won't tolerate it anymore.
I have worked way too hard and grown way too much to regress back. Also, he is still with his A two years later and that is a deal breaker for me. In his mind once we legally separated he and I would get to know one another again and if that went "good" THEN he would tell his GF! LOL! He actually verbalized this plan to me.
All my H does is speculate and mind read, or at least he continues to do that with me. I really am just over it. My life is far more peaceful now and I am totally comfortable with the decisions I have made over the past few months.
I don't hate him or even dislike him but I won't sneak around with my own husband while he has a GF! He whines that he puts a wall up around me so he won't get hurt more. I have no time for that. I simply need a stronger man that doesn't let things fester until he snaps and runs to remove himself from a difficult situation. And the absolute disrespect of sleeping with a co-worker before we were officially separated is unacceptable to me. He has shown not an ounce of remorse and still justifies it. So, I told him to go be happy and I will too
No, I do not want him in my life. He may have changed but towards me he acts no different. He doesn't validate anything I think or express to him. He still justifies or has an excuse for everything and honestly feeds me so much BS I just won't tolerate it anymore.
I have worked way too hard and grown way too much to regress back. Also, he is still with his A two years later and that is a deal breaker for me. In his mind once we legally separated he and I would get to know one another again and if that went "good" THEN he would tell his GF! LOL! He actually verbalized this plan to me.
All my H does is speculate and mind read, or at least he continues to do that with me. I really am just over it. My life is far more peaceful now and I am totally comfortable with the decisions I have made over the past few months.
I don't hate him or even dislike him but I won't sneak around with my own husband while he has a GF! He whines that he puts a wall up around me so he won't get hurt more. I have no time for that. I simply need a stronger man that doesn't let things fester until he snaps and runs to remove himself from a difficult situation. And the absolute disrespect of sleeping with a co-worker before we were officially separated is unacceptable to me. He has shown not an ounce of remorse and still justifies it. So, I told him to go be happy and I will too
Wow CG. You have described my exh almost to a T! You are so much stronger than me though. I am very much still caught up in him. The part where you said he wanted to get to know you again and then break it off with GF is so much like what my exh said to me a few weeks ago...actually he said that he did end it with her, but I know they still communicate. He wants to go slow and that HE is slowly letting go of the past!
Sorry to hijack Kev!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
That sounds great. I feel the same way. I still have my work to do. I gave way too much of myself to my X and now I am trying to rebuild what was taken. It takes time. I still have problems letting go of the past. I try to forgive but because of all the lies that she told and continue to tell it's not easy. Especially when they affect my daughter.
Hopefully with time my wounds will continue to heal.
Thanks for sharing that story. I see your points about setting boundaries and keeping them. I appreciate that.
I am sorry you went through such hell. But I am glad to see you are a much stronger person now and you are able to help so many people because of your own experiences. And you have a big heart to do that.
I definitely appreciate it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
