Stupidity on my part. Not being disciplined enough. I need to be more disciplined and wait to respond on anything each time a situation arises until I have thought it through. Probably waiting an hour like CG said is a great idea to put into practice going forward. I think I will start implementing that asap.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Stupidity on my part. Not being disciplined enough. I need to be more disciplined and wait to respond on anything each time a situation arises until I have thought it through. Probably waiting an hour like CG said is a great idea to put into practice going forward. I think I will start implementing that asap.
Kevin
That is a good thing to do, just be ready for the rude reaction. She won't like it at all that you are 'too busy' to get back to her right away if she is anything like my exh. When I would get back to him he would be completely irriated, say things like nevermind and whatever...which in turns sends me into sort of a panic at him being mad at me. Its the desired response he wants.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
That is a good thing to do, just be ready for the rude reaction. She won't like it at all that you are 'too busy' to get back to her right away if she is anything like my exh. When I would get back to him he would be completely irriated, say things like nevermind and whatever...which in turns sends me into sort of a panic at him being mad at me. Its the desired response he wants.
Ya, I know that will come with taking an hour to respond. Whenever she is rude to me, it always puts doubts in my mind of any progress I hope to be making.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Any plans to come to DFW and go dancing and bull riding for Christmas? lol.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Do you both understand what DETACHMENT means? Not caring about how your WAS REACTS is a BIG part of it.
Nothing you haven't heard before Kev. You have been at this for almost a year now. Waiting an hour or so to REACT is a start. That's just to give an initial reply. Most suggest waiting 48 hrs for anything heavy. REACTING with Emotions instead of Logic. Is what got 90% of us on this site in trouble.
Everytime you interact with your WAS it's another opportunity to SET BOUNDARIES and start DEMANDING the RESPECT you deserve.
I still have to do this with my X. I was a DOORMAT/ENABLER for so long that I still have to set BOUNDARIES every chance I get. As a COPARENT I now DEMAND that RESPECT. Before my self-respect was low enough where I let it go. Nothing good every came with giving in to every demand. Just like with kids. All it will do is create a SPOILED/ENTITLED child.
This doesnt mean you should be DISRESPECTFUL. It just means that you no longer make decisions based on what they think, but more importantly what YOU NEED and WANT.
Any plans to come to DFW and go dancing and bull riding for Christmas? lol.
Kevin
I will! I used to go there all the time. I love Texas. I have a feeling my son will end up moving there in a few years. He spends summers in Whitesborough (sp?) where ever that is!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
See, the issue is (IMO of course) is that you want progress with the M but what you need to focus on is progress for YOU first. Once you have progressed to a stronger place of being able to set boundaries and keep your emotions in check and not bending over for your W THEN things might look a bit different to you.
You base everything you do on how your W will or will not react hence the reason things stay really stagnant for you.
FWIW I to understand how terribly difficult it is to change the behavior pattern of being very reactionary. That was a huge flaw of mine for a long time with my H. My H isn't much of a communicator and I always felt like I had to pull teeth to get him to discuss very basic things. It used to frustrate me and I did not deal with that frustration in a good way. I never felt heard or validated and instead of doing something productive and positive to change the dynamic before it blew out of control I reacted on pure emotion. It wasn't that I didn't think, I simply had reached a dead end in trying to communicate with my H (this was before the bomb, btw). Looking back I realize I expected him to communicate with me the way I thought communication should be instead of how it could work for both of us.
My H and I got in a very dangerous dynamic of "button pushing" and we both knew how to do it well. My H in general is not very good at communicating with anybody but the husband/wife dynamic of communicating is much deeper an issue that communicating with the general public. My H wouldn't even call up for take out!
My point? Being reactionary is not always about not thinking, it's more about not being able to mask frustration about a problem that is ongoing. Had I been smart and just shoved my frustration aside perhaps I could have changed that dynamic between H and I. Or I should say that is how it was in my M.
Do you both understand what DETACHMENT means? Not caring about how your WAS REACTS is a BIG part of it.
Nothing you haven't heard before Kev. You have been at this for almost a year now. Waiting an hour or so to REACT is a start. That's just to give an initial reply. Most suggest waiting 48 hrs for anything heavy. REACTING with Emotions instead of Logic. Is what got 90% of us on this site in trouble.
Everytime you interact with your WAS it's another opportunity to SET BOUNDARIES and start DEMANDING the RESPECT you deserve.
I still have to do this with my X. I was a DOORMAT/ENABLER for so long that I still have to set BOUNDARIES every chance I get. As a COPARENT I now DEMAND that RESPECT. Before my self-respect was low enough where I let it go. Nothing good every came with giving in to every demand. Just like with kids. All it will do is create a SPOILED/ENTITLED child.
This doesnt mean you should be DISRESPECTFUL. It just means that you no longer make decisions based on what they think, but more importantly what YOU NEED and WANT.
Hold the line. PMA
If I wait even 1 hour my exh will send the same text 3 times and then start with the hello? you there?. If I waited 48 hours he would be beating down my door, calling my kids, and saying he was worried about baby because I didn't answer.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
If I wait even 1 hour my exh will send the same text 3 times and then start with the hello? you there?. If I waited 48 hours he would be beating down my door, calling my kids, and saying he was worried about baby because I didn't answer.
That should tell you something. I'm not saying you dont reply at all. IMO - You should wait an hour or so depending on the urgency of the requests. Then reply with a "I'll think about it" or "I'll get back to you" etc. That is taking CONTROL of the CONVO TEMPO. It is also setting BOUNDARIES that you are NOT a puppet and will ONLY reply when you feel you have been shown RESPECT.
I am not sure if I ever shared this before but in case I haven't this is a very good example of why it's not only important to set boundaries but enforce them. Had I enforced the boundary I had set this night never would have happened.
After my H moved out and I learned of his affair (but kept quiet about it) I told him he was no longer to just use his keys and walk in like he still lived here. Legally he didn't have to give me the keys back because nothing had been initiated through attnys/the legal system yet. When I told him this was my boundary he was actually very nice about it, said he understood and in the future would ring the bell. This was on a Thurs. evening. On Friday he sent me a very civil e-mail stating once again he understood why I no longer wanted him to just walk in and he would respect my wishes.
On Sat. he was supposed to come over at 3pm and he showed up several hours late w/o so much a phone call. When he did show up he used the key, walked in, got himself a beer and some chips and salsa and sat on the couch like he lived here. I was so stunned that I actually stood in the kitchen and wondered if I was the crazy one and I had imagined our talk both Thurs. and Friday about him NOT coming in with his key.
Internally I was fuming but I didn't say a word. Big mistake. He watched the clock until it was time to go meet OW. He actually said to me "I am not trying to be mean but I have to go meet someone". Well I exploded. I was so furious he just walked in then watched the clock to go meet his GF. He then exploded back and said that he knew I didn't really mean what I said about the key. This turned into a very long, very awful, very explosive argument that easily was one of the top 10 worst nights of my life.
Now... ALL of this could have been avoided the second he used that key. I should have said "H, since you cannot respect my wishes about not just walking in here then you must leave". At the time I was happy with any crumb he tossed me so I let my boundary slide to spend time with him. It only resulted in him further disrespecting me, a horrid argument and additional pain for me.
